Unshackling
Just two days ago(31st December,2024), I reconciled with a childhood friend of mine who hurt me in 2022. If my memory serves me right, it means I wasn’t talking to him for 2 years. And now that I think of it, I regret every bit of it. 2 years wasted because of some unnecessary grudge. All the memories we could have created, all the help we could have rendered, all the times we could have had each other’s backs. The thing is, I was hurt and as weird as it sounds, I actually forgot what he did to me and totally forgot about him but I lingered in pain all that time. And that’s not the only pain I’ve been carrying all this while.
There were days I knew something was wrong with me but couldn’t even figure out what and why. After a lot of reflections, I realized that I’ve been deceiving myself for a long time and I know but haven’t had the courage to open that can of worms. I say I forgive people but to be very honest, I don’t. I hold on to things for years. I could actually forget what someone did to me but between myself and I, there’s always a shelf collecting and storing names of those people.
Visiting that shelf, a lot of things made so much sense to me. There are people I completely cut off even after claiming I forgave them for what they did to me. The sad part is most of these people were my day ones. People who grew up with me and had my back all the time. People who loved me for who I am and always wanted to see me happy.
I’ve heard a lot of things about forgiveness and letting go. I know most of the things that there is to know but I can’t understand why it’s so hard to do it. I know it’s not going to be easy and I have no idea where to start from but I believe reconciling with my childhood friend few hours before the start of the year was the sign I needed. I have already began learning how to properly forgive and let go.
I kept on sighing while writing this because I didn’t think this little thing had this huge emotional impact on me. It really was no fun coming to terms that this was actually a hindrance pulling me back all this while especially in 2024. But the most important thing is, I have identified the root cause and I’m ready to keep working on myself till things get better.
Images are mine
Hi darling one. I love that you write about real things (though, there's nothing wrong with showing off your latest creation either!)
I want to offer a completely different perspective on forgiveness and why it's so hard. If you're interested?
!LUV
@abenad, @consciouscat(3/5) sent you LUV. | tools | discord | community | HiveWiki | <>< daily
Of course, please do☺️
Hi love. OK, I'm back.
So here's the thing: When someone hurts us, whether physically or emotionally, it is appropriate for us to be upset. It is a healthy behaviour, on our part, to communicate that we feel hurt and an appropriate response, from someone who cares about us, is to apologise for hurting us.
It is also appropriate to set or reinforce a boundary that indicates to the other person how we wish to be treated. We do this in order to avoid being hurt again.
It is then up to the other person to decide whether they're going to honour that boundary, or not.
If the boundary we expressed was reasonable and the person refuses to honour it then they are showing us that they don't really care about us enough. If they did, they would make a real effort to deal with whatever discomfort they're feeling through us standing up for ourselves, and their love for us would be stronger.
Although, some times people simply do not have the skills to actually work through their emotional reactions and will keep crossing our boundaries because they simply do not know how to change their pattern of behaviour.
In this case, as adults, we need to choose whether we will continue to be in relationship with that person, or not. In the case of family, it can be tricky as we may not wish to end a relationship with a parent or sibling or other close relative.
(In my case, I limit my time with any family members who don't honour my boundaries. Since none of them are outright abusive, they're just somewhat unwilling or unable to change things that I really won't tolerate from friends/others. But they're my kin and I choose to tolerate minor grievances because they are so deeply tied to me as people. However, I choose not to be in relationship with extended family members who have been abusive.)
So, back to the idea of forgiveness:
Forgiveness says, "I accept your apology and I choose to let go of the pain you caused me and no longer hold it against you. I accept you back into my heart, my life and near my precious human body."
But if someone who hurt us in the past, gets our forgiveness and then simply hurts us again in a similar way, what we are actually doing is ALLOWING them to hurt us. This is why boundaries are so important. It is our job to look after our precious hearts, minds, bodies, life.
We can only do God's great work in this one precious life if we are safe. And if someone demonstrates to us that they are 1. hurting us (even unintentionally) and 2. unwilling to change, why the f*ck would we forgive them/let them stay in our life???
To be clear: I'm not unwilling to listen to the people in my life and what they might be going through that may have caused them to unintentionally hurt me. I aim to be as compassionate as possible with people and to understand why they might be doing (or have done) what they have done. If I can understand why someone did something that lead to them hurting me, it is easier for me to accept them and their actions and release the anger I was feeling towards them.
BUT... if they are unwilling to change and they do it again (and again and again) why would I "forgive" them?
Why should you or anyone else forgive a person when they are willing to continue hurting you.
THIS is why I think forgiveness is hard: because it doesn't make space for the fact that healthy human beings are allowed to get angry. Anger is exists for a reason. It's not a mistake. It's not bad.
Hurting people when we're angry? That's bad.
Acknowledging that we're angry because someone hurt us? Healthy!
... This turned into rather a long comment, so let me wrap up by saying this:
Every culture is different in how well they navigate this and different religions say different things about how to deal with conflict. It is not my intention for me, way over here in a different country, with a different culture and perhaps different spiritual beliefs to "tell you what to do". You have to figure that out for yourself and what makes sense for your life and your relationships.
But what I can tell you is how human beings work physiologically (i.e. physically and mentally and in all the ways): We are designed to protect ourselves when people hurt us.
And here's what I can tell you I believe, and I believe it to be true for all 8 billion of us:
We deserve to be treated well by other human beings.
We should do our very best to treat all other human beings well, as they deserve that kindness too.
We don't need to be liked and understood by everyone.
We would do well to prioritise being in relationship with the people who really love us for who we are.
Hope that's helpful. Very big hug. Sister, C x
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Forgiveness takes time; we might say we forgive, but that doesn't mean we don't remember we were hurt.
Maybe you needed two years to heal from the hurt, stop beating yourself up.
What's more important is never allow bitterness or pain of the hurt, take away your joy and peace
Aww I’m actually smiling right now. Thank you!
Welcome 🤗
Forgiving is hard, baby girl. But you know, if you forgive, the only person you are doing a favor is yourself and not even the person you hold a grudge against.
Just like you, I have held grudges against some people but then, somehow I have also started learning how to let go of those hurt and that is because I deserve to be a better me, for me.
You’ve got this girl. 🥰
Okay okay 🥹
Thank you!
I’ve got this🥹
I'm glad you you identified the root cause of unforgiveness and have decided to work on yourself to be better. Unforgiveness always drains us of the wonderful time we could share with others and never gives us the chance to experience true love, true love always forgives. I would admonish you to learn about God kind of love and pray by asking Him to have that kind of love He has. It's not so hard to forgive but it is when the love of God is not shed abroad in your heart.Romans 5:5. I'm to know baout how you began the year so well by forgiving. May we become better, stay blessed dear. Happy new year!
Thank you for this. You just pointed the direction I should have been looking all this while. Happy new year.
The subject of forgiveness is very difficult and complicated, and even if you are a good person, you are not made of stone, and every wound needs time to heal. I am glad to read that you were able to reconcile with someone as important as a childhood friend and that you feel your heart lighter, maybe you needed this time apart to grow and realize what was really valuable between you. Happy New Year, dear Abenad ! !
Yes I believe that was exactly what I needed.
Many happy returns, Tesmoforia✨