RE: Unshackling

Hi love. OK, I'm back.

So here's the thing: When someone hurts us, whether physically or emotionally, it is appropriate for us to be upset. It is a healthy behaviour, on our part, to communicate that we feel hurt and an appropriate response, from someone who cares about us, is to apologise for hurting us.

It is also appropriate to set or reinforce a boundary that indicates to the other person how we wish to be treated. We do this in order to avoid being hurt again.

It is then up to the other person to decide whether they're going to honour that boundary, or not.

If the boundary we expressed was reasonable and the person refuses to honour it then they are showing us that they don't really care about us enough. If they did, they would make a real effort to deal with whatever discomfort they're feeling through us standing up for ourselves, and their love for us would be stronger.

Although, some times people simply do not have the skills to actually work through their emotional reactions and will keep crossing our boundaries because they simply do not know how to change their pattern of behaviour.

In this case, as adults, we need to choose whether we will continue to be in relationship with that person, or not. In the case of family, it can be tricky as we may not wish to end a relationship with a parent or sibling or other close relative.

(In my case, I limit my time with any family members who don't honour my boundaries. Since none of them are outright abusive, they're just somewhat unwilling or unable to change things that I really won't tolerate from friends/others. But they're my kin and I choose to tolerate minor grievances because they are so deeply tied to me as people. However, I choose not to be in relationship with extended family members who have been abusive.)

So, back to the idea of forgiveness:

Forgiveness says, "I accept your apology and I choose to let go of the pain you caused me and no longer hold it against you. I accept you back into my heart, my life and near my precious human body."

But if someone who hurt us in the past, gets our forgiveness and then simply hurts us again in a similar way, what we are actually doing is ALLOWING them to hurt us. This is why boundaries are so important. It is our job to look after our precious hearts, minds, bodies, life.

We can only do God's great work in this one precious life if we are safe. And if someone demonstrates to us that they are 1. hurting us (even unintentionally) and 2. unwilling to change, why the f*ck would we forgive them/let them stay in our life???

To be clear: I'm not unwilling to listen to the people in my life and what they might be going through that may have caused them to unintentionally hurt me. I aim to be as compassionate as possible with people and to understand why they might be doing (or have done) what they have done. If I can understand why someone did something that lead to them hurting me, it is easier for me to accept them and their actions and release the anger I was feeling towards them.

BUT... if they are unwilling to change and they do it again (and again and again) why would I "forgive" them?

Why should you or anyone else forgive a person when they are willing to continue hurting you.

THIS is why I think forgiveness is hard: because it doesn't make space for the fact that healthy human beings are allowed to get angry. Anger is exists for a reason. It's not a mistake. It's not bad.

Hurting people when we're angry? That's bad.

Acknowledging that we're angry because someone hurt us? Healthy!

... This turned into rather a long comment, so let me wrap up by saying this:

Every culture is different in how well they navigate this and different religions say different things about how to deal with conflict. It is not my intention for me, way over here in a different country, with a different culture and perhaps different spiritual beliefs to "tell you what to do". You have to figure that out for yourself and what makes sense for your life and your relationships.

But what I can tell you is how human beings work physiologically (i.e. physically and mentally and in all the ways): We are designed to protect ourselves when people hurt us.

And here's what I can tell you I believe, and I believe it to be true for all 8 billion of us:

We deserve to be treated well by other human beings.
We should do our very best to treat all other human beings well, as they deserve that kindness too.
We don't need to be liked and understood by everyone.
We would do well to prioritise being in relationship with the people who really love us for who we are.

Hope that's helpful. Very big hug. Sister, C x