I AM SORRY

When I spoke the words out, it felt rehearsed, not like an apology, but words that have often been spoken and had now cleaved to my tongue. I knew I was wrong, but I was not guilty, at least I did not feel I was. No matter how she screamed, with the anger on her face, I knew I had to keep quiet, not out of fear or shame, not even because I pitied her, but because I knew that I needed to get this over and done with. I just wanted peace, and if this was the way to peace, then I would happily take it. I watched her scream over and over, emphasizing on how I deliberately disobeyed her, emphasizing on how my actions had brought shame to the family. I washed her talk about those looking up to me, talked about everything I had to lose and how I wasn’t thinking clearly. She said a lot of things that I refused to take in, not because I was not hearing them, but because I knew the moment I took them in, they would break me. It was not the first time her words were breaking me, and I was not ready to let them in right now, so I pushed them away bringing up layers and layers of thoughts in my head that will help me push her words away from my heart.

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I did not want to sound cruel, and to be honest, a part of them was really sorry, but not for the reasons she even thought. But then the more she spoke, the more I felt this tightness in my chest. It was not pain, it was not regret, it was not even her words getting in, it was anger. The more she spoke the more I realized even clearly why I did it, and at that point, I would do it over and over again if the circumstances did not change. At this point I was ready for anything. The highest that would happen would be me getting beaten or being scolded like I was getting now. I was angry because I felt misunderstood and I felt unheard. It was as though I was screaming inside the ocean's depth, and no matter how much I screamed out loud I would not be heard. I was no longer a child afraid of the consequences, I was a child who was ready to get what I want through any means necessary. I was tired of always feeling bad for things I could not control, I felt it was time for them to see me and accept that this was who I am, this was what I wanted to do, and I was going to do it anyway.

It was after my mum was told that I skipped class, according to her, it was an attitude she least expected from me and like every parent will say to their child, she was utterly disappointed in me. The more she spoke the more I knew the gravity of what I did, but refused to understand even after knowing the reason for my mum’s concern was because of the position my dad held in the community. He was highly regarded in my school and was even a member of the board. I was one of the few persons who represented my school at every gathering, this was why skipping class was so much of a big deal. But what she did not know was that this was all the ripple effect of her actions and even after saying I am sorry, I was unapologetic about it. This was not the first rule I had broken in a week, I had been scolded for a number of things, from neglecting prefect duties, to coming late and even forgetting to do assignments… The list was going on and on and it was as though a bright and well behaved child was suddenly becoming rebellious.

But I did not see it that way. What I saw was the hurt and anger from knowing that after all my efforts in joining the JET club and being elected as president of the club, I was suddenly removed because my parents felt it was not something I needed. They did not understand how joining a science fare and meeting even more intelligent students was something I had always wanted, they did not understand that the reason for my hard work in school was not even to please them but to some day be worthy of that honor and I got it, only to watch it being stripped away from my hands because my parents thought otherwise. This was why as I watched her shout, and scream, knowing I was going to do something worse, the only thing I could say was the word I had been saying all week. I am sorry.

THIS IS MY ENTRY INTO THE INKWELL COMBINED WRITING PROMPT #43