The Weight of Unsaid Goodbyes

I’ve just been numb for a couple of hours after seeing something heartbreaking on my mom’s phone. I think one thing I’ll never ever get used to is hearing about the death of people. Sigh.

I was using my mom’s phone to make a call, and afterwards, I realized her message app was opened. I was going to leave it on open, but seeing this particular person’s text on my mom's phone felt a little weird. So I opened it out of curiosity, and right after reading it, I started laughing.

My mom didn’t know what exactly on her phone would make me laugh, so she came closer to see what I was looking at. After realizing what I had just read, she took the phone from me and embraced me in a tight hug because she knew what was about to happen. She knew the laughter was just 10 seconds of being in denial of what I had read.

I had just read that my senior high teacher was dead. He died on Wednesday, and my mom, knowing who he was to me, was looking for the right time to share the news. I couldn’t even cry because I was so numb and angry. Angry at myself for not going to see him when I said I would. Angry at myself for being too busy to pick up the phone and call him.

I feel so guilty to even allow my tears to roll on my cheeks. I feel like if I couldn’t make time to see him while he was alive, I don’t even deserve to mourn him. I feel a lot of things, but let’s put that aside for now.

Sometimes I wish death could give us a date, but it’s sad how it doesn’t happen like that. We say life is too short, and we all understand what it truly means, but it never really hits us that life really is too short until we lose our loved ones. I know I’m going to probably carry this regret of not going to see this man earlier the rest of my life. But this doesn’t have to happen to you. Whatever it is you want to do, do it today, do it now, because tomorrow might be too late.