Creativenonfiction #85 - Deep Reflections

For a very long time, I have always believed in staying on my own and not airing my issues in public. I believed that "Ignorance is bliss" and people can't hurt you with what they don't know. So I'd rather dedicate my time to staying on my own and not relate with people. I stayed away from friends, I barely posted on my social media accounts, ignored messages from friends, or tried to cut off any form of communication with them.

I am not a recluse nor a staunch introvert but I must say for a while things didn't work out the way I expected or should I say I put in too many expectations in life after school. I had high hopes that after my higher institution, I would get a very good job and also get to further my education.

I trained to be a teacher and I love my job but the pay isn't always a motivating factor for me and it made it seem like I was stuck in a never-ending circle, I tried out other business options as a side hustle which could help bring in another source of income, but then the money is also needed to start something.

This sometimes makes me feel bad, sometimes when I come online and see my classmate's posts, I just like the post and move on. Some of them when they notice I am online try reaching out but I try to end the conversations as quickly as possible as I dread the thought of them thinking less of me when they know what I do as a profession. There were lots of messages left unread and I sometimes replied when I did notice online.

Most times when I get invitations to an occasion, I would come up with an excuse not to go even when I don't have anything to do that day. I exit any groups created by my classmates in a bid to avoid conversations and hide myself from the outside world.

One day on my way back from getting groceries, I saw one of my classmates on the other side of the road, I wanted to act like I didn't see her but it was too late as she called me;

"Rukkie!!!", she screamed almost jumping up. She crossed to the other side of the road and ran up to me hugging me in the process.

"Hey Amanda", I pretended to be overjoyed to see her.

"Look at you, pretty as always", she complimented twirling me around.

"It's been ages girl, what do you do?" She asked.

"Oh I teach in a school around" I replied almost feeling ashamed because I figured she would deduce I don't earn much as it's no news that teachers earn peanuts. My situation worsened when she told me where she worked and even without her telling me how much she earns, her appearance gave her off as someone who probably earns 5 figures.

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She noticed I felt ill at ease around her and opted for my phone contact which I gave her reluctantly. She waved goodbye and promised to reach out to me.

Some days later, she called me and we talked at length and afterward, she talked about my lack of presence online and why it felt like I hid away. From our conversations, we figured we needed to have a face-to-face conversation so we agreed to meet up the next week.

I went to her place and we had a lengthy conversation, she told me that most people might appear to have everything figured out but almost everyone has things they are facing themselves but instead of feeling sorry for themselves, they wake up, put on smiles, and connect with people. In most cases, more opportunities come up from connections.

When I got back home, I sat down and had a deep reflection, then I promised to turn over a new leaf. I would put myself out there more, reaching out to friends, going out together, and making other connections.

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Now I go out with my friends, we hang out, talk about life, work, and relationships and I got to know that sometimes people despite their unhappiness find solace in connecting with others.

I am glad to have met Amanda and that we had that talk. Yes, I am not where I need to be at the moment but I am taking it one step at a time.

Thank you all for reading.

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