The thin line between financial discipline and deprivation

I learnt how to save money at a very young age. I remember vividly how my mom would give everyone double the amount they had saved throughout the academic term. And of course, I always had the highest amount. My mom was always worried about my massive saving habits and always advised me to learn how to spend money.

To be honest, I always found it weird that she wasn’t happy that I always had the highest amount. But then I later realized she was only teaching me something very important. There were days she got so angry at me for saving money instead of spending it on food when I was very hungry. She taught me not to save money that needed to be spent. And trust me, I didn’t even listen to any of that. I always gave the excuse that I would start spending when I start earning.

After I grew up, I got to find out I was just deceiving myself with that statement. Back then, I was only saving money that was handed over to me, and the other side was that I never had to touch the money because I was being fed, clothed, and sheltered, and I had no bills to pay. So that means it should have been easier to splurge some after all, I didn’t work hard for it, right?

Now the whole point of this post is that I’m at a point in my life where I find it so hard to spend, especially on myself. I thought it would get easier when I began earning, but it got a whole lot worse right after that.

The other day, my friend was saying she has never seen any lady like me before. Someone who has to do a whole PowerPoint presentation to convince herself to spend her money on pizza but doesn’t think twice when someone asks her for money. I laughed about it, but I felt sad listening to that.

There are times I plan on going shopping but feel so guilty that I would be spending money on material things when there are people out there who need food to eat. Just like you are thinking, I mostly end up giving the money out and just return home empty-handed.

I think I was too focused on learning how to save money when I should have also learned how to spend because it’s beginning to feel like I confused financial deprivation with financial discipline. It’s been hard, but I’ve been learning and unlearning a lot of things, including spending. I know it’s weird because mostly, we hear people having spending issues, but mine is the exact opposite: not spending. I’m beginning to understand that once in a while it’s important to give myself a treat after my hard work. After all, I only get to live once.