The Hunt For Approval

I’ve always been a local girl with local vibes. But I used to hide it. I remember when I was in senior high school, there was this girl who was right beside my bed. For me, she was one of the coolest girls on campus, and I wanted her to like me. They actually had a squad. A squad of girls and I wanted to be part so bad.

And they all used to sing international hip hop. Songs by Bruno Mars, Justin Bieber, Cardi B, and all. You guys, I didn’t even know who Justin Bieber was. In fact, I still don’t know Bruno Mars. Is it weird? Because if it is, I honestly don’t care because Bruno Mars doesn’t know me. And I'm also not a small person.

Anyway, so I started learning all these songs just so I could sing along when they were singing. I will never forget how I used to stay up all night copying lyrics from Cardi B’s songs to those of Nicki Minaj. This thing just pisses me off because I should have known better. What happened to my chemistry textbook? Or my physics textbook? Actually, let’s take physics out because I never liked it, and I still don’t.

Oh, I’m only talking about the songs. You guys, there was some dancing included too. I remember how I joined a choreography team because of the “squad.” I actually don’t regret that because it made me know I could dance. It was a self-discovery I made. And I’ve enjoyed it ever since.

But back to what I was saying, I had to dance just to be around the cool kids. Everything I’ve said so far was just done for me to be around the cool kids, not even to be part of them. So I remember one particular Saturday. We had entertainment night. And then we normally start with gospel songs.

That night, I couldn’t sing any of the new gospel songs. After those songs, I could also sing my favorite local songs. And I wasn’t happy about it. I don’t know if I should call it an inner conviction, but from that time, I just stopped learning all those lyrics. It just didn’t make sense that I was wasting that time on things I didn’t even like or on things that didn’t make me happy.

Eventually, the cool kids became my friends, but not because I was learning all those songs. Plot twist: they actually admired me and my academic performance. So they started coming to me, and then we ended up forming a study group. I don’t even know why I didn’t think of that way in, but anyway, it doesn’t matter because now, I don’t even know where any of them are.