My Hardest Pill To Swallow

I literally get wowed anytime I hear people say they are able to let go easily. Like someone hurt you or you lost someone and then you consciously got up one day to come to a conclusion that, they are no longer in your life and that’s fine? The tears, the pain, the hurt and everything?

I mean it really is fine and healthy but I just admire such people. They don’t do no processing, no evaluation, no nothing. Especially when those they are letting go are people who were close to them. People who meant a lot to them at one point. People who made them happy and made them feel on top of the world. People who held their hands in their darkest times and helped them on their feet when they hit the rock bottom.

It’s very different and difficult for me. Especially when I think about all those years I’ve been with person. All the times and things we’ve been through. And the funny part is that I am a very nonchalant so people assume I should be able to easily let go. But that’s the thing with nonchalance. When you get to truly care about someone, letting go is like cutting part of your heart away. I know it sounds like exaggeration but I’m serious.

In 2023 when the friendship between my best friend and I came to an end, I couldn’t believe and didn’t want to agree. We were friends for about 8 years and it felt like part of me was being ripped away. You know that thing where the heart wants something different from what the mind wants? It happened to me. I knew the friendship was due for an end but I just didn’t want to let go.

It took so long for me to accept that the friendship was over. And that even happened with the help of my sister. I took my time to evaluate how the friendship has impacted me and 70% of it wasn’t what I wanted at all. And I know that friends should make you feel better and want to make you do better but this was different so I kind of accepted it that it was time to move on.

And when I finally was ready to let go. I had to live in denial. And that’s my defense mechanism. As someone who hates letting go, I mostly live in denial that the person I lost is still around. Whether death or end of friendship, I just live in denial and assume the person is still there but has relocated to somewhere very far away. Far away to a place where I can’t even reach them.

There are certain deceased relatives of mine that to me, there are still around. I know they are dead and it’s really hard to let go so the only way to deal with it is to just make it up in my head that they probably traveled to a different continent and lost my contact and vice versa.