Dear Ade, I Couldn't Keep Quiet Anymore

"Oh wow! He looks so cute." I found myself staring at his display picture on WhatsApp while resting on the sofa in the parlour after I had helped my aunt with the laundry. I couldn't stop myself from crushing on him ever since we met each other, and I would always bump into his DM trying to build a conversation with him. I wanted his attention, so I made sure to be on alert, even commenting on all his statuses.

We talked. We played. We shared many things, particularly about our journey on a writing platform we were both on. It was easy for me to approach him first whenever a contest came up because I wanted us to do it together. I don't just understand how the feeling kept growing and how it affected the way I interacted with others, too.

Ade was a member of the writing platform, and we were also together in a WhatsApp group that was created for Nigerians to vibe together and have fun. It was always an interesting time chatting with him, and yes, he was also friendly and nice to talk to.

On several occasions, I would lie down on my bed imagining us being together, and other times, the imagination that he proposed first would come. I would always be lost in thought, thinking about him, and the fantasy of visiting different places together, and putting on matching clothes, overwhelming my mind almost every day, distracting me from the normal activities I needed to do. "Am I in love already?" I asked, grinning.

I was too shy and afraid to ask him out first because I used to think that when a lady did that, it meant she was throwing herself cheap to the guy and could be dangerous, and that he could be taking advantage of her, too. But at one point, I didn't think about it. No, I never minded that. "Whatever happens, let it happen. Let me try first," I confidently told myself.

But it was always a hard step to take any time I needed to do it. Imagine someone so shy of herself that she feels she isn't good enough for anyone. I had numerous thoughts within me, like undervaluing and doubting myself, mostly in the aspect of thinking I wouldn't be anyone's taste. I struggled with impostor syndrome, and it took me a long while before I decided to throw caution to the wind. I never bothered about the consequences because my mind was all made up to approach him.

"At least if Mohammed doesn't go to meet the mountain, the mountain will come to Mohammed," I said to myself, which means if he doesn't ask first, I will do it. I didn't know where I got the courage from. I was blinded by the love, or should I say lust, because of how attractive he looked. He was the definition of a down-to-earth man. He looked so cute that I began to see any lady lucky to have him but I wanted to be that lady, too.

But before then, Vivian, who was the admin of the WhatsApp group, came up with a game session idea. "Guys, let's do something fun. I will give you just seven days to write an email to me about your crush on the platform. Express yourself freely, and you might reveal their names or not," she typed, and everyone cooperated. They loved the idea, including me. Why won't I take such an opportunity to express myself in words when it has come to me so easily?

The idea was that after seven days, she would make a post revealing every entry while everyone had fun reading love stories.

I decided to take it from there. "Should I write his name below?" I asked while contemplating after I was done expressing myself explaining how I have had a crush on him and how I would be glad if he could accept me as his girlfriend.

"Oh my," I felt so embarrassed while letting my hand stay on my face for some minutes. After some seconds, I shrugged it off. Nothing felt wrong anymore, but I saw myself as the brave girl who would go for what she wanted. I didn't see the risk in what I was doing but allowed my emotions to cloud my values.

Only if I had waited for the seven days but I was too anxious and eager. Yes, I wanted to express myself quickly and not hold back. I couldn't wait. So, I went to him.

"Hi, Ade. How are you? I have been longing to tell you something, but I don't know how to approach you first. You are very handsome and I have had a crush on you for a long time. Can I be your girlfriend, please?" I didn't think twice before sending it and immediately logged out, turned my phone down on the bed and stood up to do other things.

My mind raced. It dawned on me how I sold myself cheaply to a guy. I was disappointed in myself, and at the same time, I felt guilty about what I did. I couldn't pick up my phone for fear of what will he say? How would he start seeing me from then on?"

But the deed has been done. It can't be undone again," I reminded myself. I braced up and was waiting for what would happen.

Thirty minutes later, I checked my phone, but he hadn't replied. One hour had passed...then two...and then three. I became restless. "Has he read it already? What is going on in his mind? Does he not want to reply?" I kept asking myself questions, hoping for a quick answer.

After hours and in the evening, my phone beeped. I got it! It was the sound of the notification from WhatsApp. "Eyy, he has texted back," I said as my heart rose. Giving it some time, I breathed in and then out, and then rushed to open my phone.

I read the content and that broke my heart a little. I didn't expect to be turned down but it happened. In his context, it read that he has a girlfriend already and he appreciated my boldness to approach him first. He explained how he wouldn't want to break my heart later, and then, he ended with, "I am sorry, Princessbusayo. I appreciate your sincerity."

I felt a bang on my soft heart, but at the same time, I was relieved of releasing my feelings to him. "I love his response and he's a good guy," I said as I thought about how some guys wouldn't even mind saying yes while playing on your feelings and heart.

After seven days, Vivian published her post with everyone who had sent emails to her expressing their feelings for their crushes. I read mine and I covered my face in shame. This was because I knew Ade would know it was for him. Also, Vivian and Ade are very close friends from school. So, I was sure he would have hinted to her about it. But I decided to face whatever consequence might show up and eventually, it didn't.

---

_{Images' Source: Chatgpt}