Everything I Swallowed (Creative Non-Fiction)

Dear Reader,

Years ago, I was eighteen and she was seventeen. They were both seventeen. We sat in her father’s living room planning what we wanted to do with our lives. How we’d save money and stuff. We coined her brand name and I felt it rhymed too much with ‘hymen’. I thought it was fitting because she had a biological condition that had to do with that part of her anatomy but I pointed it out all the same, and she wasn’t bothered. She liked the name anyhow and we moved on from that. We got jobs the year after that and we thought our dreams were just within reach.

But then our little friend group dispersed. She moved to school with the other and I was left here finding my footing and filling spaces some people my age would never understand. We talked off and on and she came back on some holidays but she had built her base there. Her posts and her snaps told stories I wasn’t part of and that made me angry. I was angry at myself mostly, at my situation, at God. I didn’t have the start she had. She had both her parents and didn’t have to worry about tuition or house rent. She didn’t have to worry about feeding extra mouths. It fueled my anger and inevitably…envy.

I became bitter and then went off social media for a while. I couldn’t stand seeing the successes of others. It hurt every time I did. It was a reminder to who I wasn’t, my circumstances and the lack around me. I always felt defeated when I would see them going out together, keeping the friend circle tight. I felt so sad. I missed my friends, I wanted new friends but I couldn’t make them. I was not the social butterflies they were. I would toy with the idea of just calling them and spilling it all. I wanted to tell them how much I missed them, how I felt left out, how their absence guts me. But then I wouldn’t because what if I word vomit and they just dismiss me? What if they called me clingy? What if I’m called “cheap”? Worse, what if they don’t say anything at all?

So, I went from one survival mode to the other. I muted them on social media and tried to create stories for myself, but I should have known, you can teach the heart to love but you can’t teach it to stop. It never stops, it just loves more. This love it pours on those who are available. You don’t forget the others, you don’t stop loving them.

I realised that I was unfair to my people, the new ones I met and those I tried to forget. This realization left me in a limbo. Maybe I am way more dependent on my friends than I thought. Maybe my dependency has created way too much toxicity that was now seeping out of me and affecting my relationships. I realised that I needed to be a better person too. I shouldn’t be angry at the success of my friends, that speaks poorly of me. That wasn’t who I wanted to be. I should celebrate them and love their leaps. Their success is a message of what could be in my life if I believe. If I work towards it like they have.

Like a sign, she launched her brand with the name we had coined in her father’s living room. I didn’t feel that sting or the bitterness. Rather, I felt anything was possible. She is someone I know and grew up with, not someone I met online. She knows more about me than anyone. She did it! She took on that name and manifested her dream. I watched the launch post with tears in my eyes and a humble heart. I felt nothing but joy at what she had accomplished, her success a spring to my falling footsteps. I realised how much I needed to see my friends succeed and celebrate with them rather than get all in my feelings. I haven’t been a good friend and this made me realise it. So, I sent her a message and prayed with her. Her response was nothing but love, she remembers.

I felt that was a turning point. I realised that I am surrounded by wonderful people but my pain and ungratefulness would not let me see it. Her success showed me that dreams do come true, and I needed someone close enough for it to happen for me to realise it.

Truly,
Deraaa.