The Noise I Had to Outrun to Find Myself

A lot of people will not say it out loud, but deep down, they are afraid of silence. And I am not talking about the usual late-night silence or when the environment is silent. But the deeper kind of silent. The silence when someone purposely decides to lock in and hear their own thoughts out loud, like when you can hear the sound of a ticking clock. At some point, I ran away from this too. All my free moments used to be filled with one distraction or another. From music to scrolling to watching movies to chatting, or anything that can just distract me. But when I looked at the past, my take was that I was running. Not from anything external in particular. But from what is sitting inside of me quietly.

After watching similar podcasts back to back. The funny thing was that my YouTube kept bringing related videos to me, and then I decided to try it one day. I sat alone, but I was not really feeling anything. I was physically present, but I had another distraction, and this time it was an inward one because my mind was just wandering all over the place. From thinking of what I will do next to another thing. Though I set an alarm before I started and after my time elapsed, I reached out again to my phone. This happened a few years ago anyway. But now, things have changed because my continuous practice is giving me results. Now I do it just as my spirit directs me, especially when I need to take a deep self-reflection on myself about some unresolved things in me.

The major thing I will say led to this was because I got tired at some point. Not tired of life actually, but just doing a lot of things with an unsettled mind. That can be so frustrating. But I needed to understand life better than just reacting casually to what is going on around me. Tired of doing things in a circle or in someone else's shadow. The morning quiet became the one place where I could finally find out what was real for me.

There used to be some days when nothing profound happened in my morning. I just wake up, sit, continue my day, and move on with my life. While some days, the first thing that will come to my mind even before I pray is this thing I have ignored for days, and it's just there, in front of me, until I deal with it carefully. And to me, assuming I was rushing, I wouldn't have seen that type of clarity. Because it usually comes when I stay long enough to stop pretending that everything is okay.

A lot of pressure, man, future questions, how to make better decisions, money pressure too, a lot of contemplation if I am doing the right thing, especially in the right way. All these things will never go away during a quiet time, they just become more visible. And to be honest, they helped my decision making because I noticed that mornings when I have a very deep and quiet time, I don't usually panic in making my decisions, unlike other mornings. Some other habits like that in me have already earned their place slowly and quietly. But this quiet time has earned it completely.

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