I'm Tired Of The Conversation About Abuse
pexelsNot to be a prophet of doom, but, I fear abuse (domestic violence especially) is never going to end. It's gotten so common and even normalized and there's hardly any repercussion for offenders.
I don't know why a supposedly sane person would beat someone else up, especially someone they decided to marry, and I don't know what can be done to change such a person, especially in a lawless society, but I do know the victim can get away if they resolve to.
My views about abuse are based on the society I live in which is Nigeria. I'll also focus on domestic violence of women because I am a woman and women suffer abuse the most. You can write your own views as it affects men if you wish to by following this prompt.
When it comes to domestic violence, many women are not willing to leave their marriages or relationships because 'what will people say?'
People here refer to extended family, neighbors, religious groups, and even random people with no affiliation to the victims whatsoever. Now, I'd understand why reputation is important but then when did marriage or a romantic relationship become a personality trait?
Why is marriage so important to the extent that it is what makes a person and even when it isn't favorable, women especially can't do away with it. The answer is, society made it so.
The reason why women are asked to find themselves before marriage is so that they can build self-worth and be aware enough to know that they're complete without a man. We need to break out of the conventional thinking of grooming girls for marriage.
Most mothers groom their girls for 'their husband's house' and these girls grow up attaching their worth to the man that they get married to. Women are shamed when they're a certain age and unmarried, they're shamed for just being themselves or reaching certain heights when they're not involved with a man.
Common insults are, 'who will marry you?' 'that's why you're not in a man's house'. It's crazy, but that is what is normal here. Women are encouraged to 'keep the home' 'keep your marriage' and 'be prayerful and endure'.
If we groom the girl child with the knowledge that she has a right to be by herself, then we've groomed a strong woman. Enduring abuse is not a quality of a strong or submissive woman, that is just slavery.
My opening statement about domestic violence never-ending is that the younger generation is no different from the older generation. As much as we think we're woke on social media, there are thousands more of us out there who are stuck with the mentality of staying with a man no matter what.
There are so many young girls who get beat up by their boyfriends and they stay because of whatever reason they have. Now if young girls that aren't even up to 20 endure abuse what is left for their unborn daughters?
It's a generational curse at this point to place a marriage above your safety. I read leaked conversations from a closed Facebook group about a woman who found out her husband was sleeping with her daughter. This is rape but she called it 'sleeping with'.
Now, this group is called Super Mums and this woman brought this delicate issue to the other 'super mums' to seek their advice. A majority of these foolish supermoms advised this woman to save her marriage and send her daughter packing.
This is exactly how a lot of women carry marriage on their heads, over themselves and their children. Now imagine how many of these women are probably getting abused but they 'endure' because they have to keep their homes.
We make up the society and we can only cause change by starting from ourselves. We have to groom girls that are self-aware and not dependent on anyone for their happiness. We need to teach them that they shouldn't take nonsense from anyone and to stand up for themselves.
For boys, they need to be groomed to know that they're not lords over women. Most men who show the animalistic behaviour of beating up women are those who picked up this idea of being higher than women when they were younger.
I did say that abuse like domestic violence is never-ending but we cannot stop talking about it. I'm tired of talking because it saddens me, but will I stop? No, I won't.
We cannot save the whole world but then we can do our part by advocating for people when we can and spreading awareness against abuse.
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Marital abuse in Nigeria will only stop if the victim speaks up and doesn't care what others think. Also, before you say "yes, I do," make sure you know your partner well and don't rush into marriage. The majority of women marry only due to family pressure, competition, and peer pressure, which is extremely harmful.
Actually, it will only stop if people stop being dickheads and treat their spouses with respect. There's only so much a victim can do.
You nailed it....Thanks for bringing this to the table
I completely agree with you; it is no longer 1800. Women are capable of leading independent lives without the help of these men. Perhaps one of the reasons why women are still misunderstood by society today is that some of them base their worth on men's perceptions, which is quite unfortunate. The moment has come for women to STOOD UP.
It's crazy, society's perception of a woman's worth is based on men's own perception. We really need to break out of the conventional way of doing things.
Thank you for stopping by.
This is so apt. I really wish more humans could think of their self-worth before getting into any relationship, be it romantic or professional. We just seem to get constantly short-changed in our bid to lead societally acceptable lives.
Most times, we tend to choose money and reputation over our wellness, which is a big price to pay.
What us required, in my opinion, is decentralized community governance using concentrated consensus. This can be used to educate and nurture all beings so emotional blockages (cause of violence and all suffering) can be integrated. #fractally & #matrix8 are potential community governance systems which can help humanity transistion to an abundant and peaceful world.
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I think there is a lot of validity to what you say, and I do not know much about Nigerian society. It is insane what those "supermoms" are advising. Revolting. That being said, the issue of domestic abuse is, I believe, more complex.
Many people don't understand the cycle of abuse and violence. They don't know why any sane or intelligent woman would stay with an abuser. And they don't realize that the most dangerous time for a woman who is with an abusive man is when she leaves him.
Leaving is nearly always the correct decision, but if she doesn't do it right, she may end up injured or killed.
Is there a good system of women's shelters in Nigeria? It is pretty good here, but, even so, it is hard for women leaving bad relationships. I corresponded with a lady on Quora some years ago who was in India trying to leave an abuser, and the lack of resources and support was a major issue for her.
When I was a girl, I couldn't understand how any woman would ever be with an abusive man. Then, I met my husband. He was not abusive on day one. Or day two. Or day three. I shouldn't have married him, but he really didn't show who he was until after the marriage. I was "beautiful" before we were married and "ugly" after.
When he was awful, I always determined to leave him. We had a baby, but I am an intelligent woman and I thought I could make it alone. Better that than being with him! That is when he would cry and tell me how sorry he was. He loved me so much, he said. He brought flowers and gifts. I was young and full of empathy. I thought he was truly sad and sorry. We had a baby together.
He said, "Please don't leave with my baby," as he cried his crocodile tears that I believed.
I tried to leave him every time he was awful, and every time he had tears and promises and gifts. I started to despair that I would never escape.
Finally, one day, he refused to take me to the store to buy food for the baby. "WE eat first," he said. I could not drive and it was too far to walk.
"We eat first when she is old enough to get up, go to the fridge, and make a sandwich. Either you take me to the store or I shall ask my mother." He hated my mother. He had separated me from her and all my friends. It was so gradual. He would get angry or sulk when I was around them, and it was just easier not to be. I have never been passive, but abusers are clever in their own way.
He called my bluff and I called my mother. I left him by tricking myself. I told myself I was only going for groceries. But then I went to my mother's house with my daughter. I called him to tell him we were safe and that he would see his child again, but that I was leaving him and I did not want to see him or speak to him for two weeks. That's when the nightmare began for real.
And, compared to some abusive assholes, he wasn't so bad although he was by far the worst man I ever dated. Obviously, it was foolish to marry him, but my point is that, even someone who comes from a culture that does not advise women as Nigerian girls are told, and even though I considered myself a feminist and a strong, opinionated woman, I fell into this trap. What I take from this is that it can happen to anyone. I am just grateful I got out early.
Most of my life after that, I had no taste for marriage. Now, it is 30 years later, and I am engaged, but I have been engaged a long time. I am very reluctant to actually get married. I wanted to be engaged because I wanted to know that my partner wanted to marry me, but I think I can easily wait forever.
I thought I would share my perspective.
You are right. It is a complex issue and there's no one size fits all approach if we're being honest.
There isn't a system of women's shelters as far as the government is concerned. What we have are NGOs who make these shelters but people aren't even aware of these or are not willing to go there. It is understandable why some women stay back just like you said, the isolation is a gradual process that the woman doesn't notice immediately.
Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm really happy for you, for the stage you're at right now.
It was a bad thing to me when I hear about the woman's death also.. I just wonder why you will say you get married to someone and you still don't have peace of mind in the marriage you are in.. I just hope this kind of act will stop
Sad stuff. Makes you wonder about the many cases we never get to hear.
Yeah and it's making most cry Internally.
I do agree with you on your take on your topic.. I believe it's how most of these individuals were raised that has the effect of thinking they are higher than others and I think religion has a roll to play in this as well... Also people's opinions should not be a priority but your well being should be.... Thanks for you effort as well.... Happy Easter
Thank you for taking time to read through.
You covered this brilliantly. They groom females as if marriage is heaven and all they should aspire to have. Once a divorce happens they see it as the woman failed.
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The women always takes the blame, sadly.
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It's the case of boyfriend and girlfriend that gets me furious most. Like what the hell? But you're right. The matter don tire me sef.
That one is just crazy but it's more psychological I guess.
Congratulations on your sensitivity.
Sarcasm?