Throwback Thursday. Nice subject, and not unknown of course, although I have never consciously written for this subject. Someday will be the first time! So let's dive in!

Photo 1

The first photo I share was taken on December 21, 2007. Micky is sitting in front of our parents' memorial plaque.

Now I've told many times about how our parents died, the whole rollercoaster of emotions you go through from the moment we heard that dad was terminally ill. Until the moment when mom had also died. I have also written about depression that I ended up in after their death.

This photo was taken during that depressive time, A day before my birthday in 2007, I felt bad. The first birthday without both our parents. The first Christmas without both our parents. The 'hole' I fell into after our mom passed away was still very big. And both my sister and I still had to find our way in how to proceed.

Micky was a source of comfort and joy to both of us. He was always there, unconditionally, just as our parents had always been there unconditionally.

On that day in 2007, my sister and Micky went to the resting place of our parents to place a Christmas piece at their memorial plaque. The first birthday was difficult, it felt strange, the Christmas coming up, all those first times without ... But by going to that place at that time, they were a bit there.

In the meantime, Micky has also crossed the rainbow bridge, and we like to think that he can now take the long walks with our dad again, just like they did together before our dad passed away. And that he gets back that same love from both of them that he used to get, so that he gives them both the same love and joy that he has always given since he came into the house as a puppy. R.I.P. Mom, Dad & Micky.

Photo 2

The second picture probably doesn't tell you anything at all. And I get that... It's actually the reason I've always kept this photo, and why I chose it for Throwback Thursday. There's a story behind this.

For this photo we go back to July 2007, about 3 months after our mom passed away. I had bought my first DSLR. An Olympus E-510 and I THOUGHT I could go out with that camera and immediately take the most amazing pictures. After all, photography wasn't new to me anymore, I thought! LOL! I hadn't realized at that time that there is an essential difference between shooting with a compact camera and an SLR. Of course I knew that I had no idea how those manual settings actually worked together, but you know, you only learn by trying. And I really thought I could do it without any trouble at all. How wrong was I!

I felt so awesomely professional

The subject didn't even matter that much to me, but a new environment is of course always fun. So I drove about an hour and a half to arrive in Harderwijk. Why exactly Harderwijk, I seriously have no idea. Maybe that had to do with the fact that I just wanted to get as far away as possible and Harderwijk was the first thing that came to mind at that moment. At that time, I often didn't think much. I just did something, a side effect that I had very strongly because of the heavy antidepressants I took. Anyway, once there in Harderwijk I just walked around, I photographed just about everything I saw, and cluelessly just played a bit with the wheels of my camera. I seriously had no idea how to do that, but I felt like I was doing a great job and was taking the flashiest shots. I don't have many memories of that time, most of it is just completely wiped out of my memory. That is also a side effect that you can expect if you take such strong antidepressants. But I do remember that I was really proud of myself for just driving there, and especially that I was shooting so 'professionally' there. Now I put it in quotes because I know better now. But at that moment I felt fantastic. As I drove back home I couldn't wait to see my amazing results on my iMac. That would be a party.

Ow the horror!

Once home, I quickly went to my iMac and loaded up my photos. While waiting, which took quite a while (yes hello, we are talking about 2007), I made some tea. And when it was finally done the fun could begin. Only that fun turned into horror, disbelief and immense disappointment in myself. All the 'great pictures', totally failed! Overexposed, underexposed, meaningless, in short, simply worthless. Nothing remained of the proud feeling of earlier that day. Instead of feeling proud of myself, I felt like a total failure. And that day I broke. I sat down and cried tears, because even the only thing I thought I was good at, the only one thing I still enjoyed, even that was now taken away from me. I felt really desperate and life just lost all meaning for a moment. Not just because I couldn't photograph, but because I felt I couldn't do anything, and was just a worthless figure. Just the only thing I still thought I could achieve something with and which still gave me some joy in life. So I turned out to be worthless in that too. That day I put that camera in the closet, and seriously starting to think about taking my own life. That was the darkest 1,5 year of my whole life. It only started to get lighter again after I bought Rowan in September 2008, and that's when my camera came out of the closet again. And these pictures I've kept for myself all these years as a reminder for myself that I've overcome this darkest period of my life too.

Quinto's cruel fate

For the last photo we go to 2011. Thanks to Rowan I picked up my camera again, and didn't give up. I also knew that my passion lay mainly in photographing dogs. And thanks to the dog forum I had joined, I had also been able to make the necessary contacts to photograph other people's dogs, in addition to my own dogs.

The two dogs here in the picture lived with their owner in Rotterdam, and there is a sad story behind it that touched me very much personally. Although they both look very happy in this photo, the young Large Munsterlander was to be put to sleep the next day due to behavioral problems that every effort was made to change this and avoid this cruel fate. This was not successful and the owner had been given an ultimatum, the dog had to be put to sleep. She was also not allowed to rehome the dog. She was really heartbroken, had spent all her money on behavior therapists, lawyers and nothing had helped. The verdict was irrevocable. Quinto had to be put to sleep.

Now she only wanted one thing before the terrible day arrived, a lasting memory of the dog who was so dear to her despite everything, only she didn't have a penny left to pay another photographer.

I hated this story so much that I drove to Rotterdam and built a studio setting in her small apartment to be able to do that photo shoot that she wanted so badly. And yes, I did that for free. The gratitude I received was enough. This story hit me so hard at the time that I felt like I had to do this. And to this day I'm glad I did, and seeing this picture still hits me. Quinto was a treasure of a dog, unfortunately he was only allowed to be 1.5 years old due to the rules imposed by a society where there is no longer any understanding for each other and for animals.

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