RE: STOLEN OWNER

Hi @kilvnrex. This is a touching story. You did a nice job of describing the tensions between you and your mother.

Now and then we provide some feedback to help a writer see where there are opportunities for more development of a story, or some improvements. Here are some tips for you:

• While the tension between you and your mother is clear, there is no explanation of why she moved to another state, or why you didn't want to see her when she returned. So that seems like a missed opportunity. Just a few sentences describing the reasons you are no longer close to her would help the reader follow the story.
• In the following paragraph, it is not clear if you are speaking of one person (your mother) or two people (a girlfriend and your mother). A little more information would have been helpful.

There was no need to be happy after I had just lost the very person that made me happy. I have had to end things with the person my joy revolves around, and although I knew I needed to do it, it had to be done because I needed peace between the women in life. It was a necessary decision that broke me, and even though I loved both of them, I guess she knew she had also lost something the day I lost her. She had lost a part of her son, and needed to find it. Finally I knew why she was coming and I bluntly spoke the words. Park a few of my things, I will be home to collect them.

• When you write dialogue, you are placing quotes around the part of the sentence that is not dialogue, which is not correct. Here is one of the examples:

Quotes should be placed on both sides of the what is spoken, like this:

"I am not ready to see her," I said to myself." I know she means well, but I need to be alone, the pain from the loss I feel is too much, I know her, I know she would not understand, I know she would want to bend me to her will when she sees me, but I am not easily bent, and she would have to see me first. With this in mind, I rushed home from the office, got my things and went back to the office. At that point I knew my workspace would offer me the refuge and peace my house could not give, and I was so ready to accept it. I decided I will be seeing her in my own time, I was too hurt and too angry to listen to reason. What I wanted was not what was right, but something to calm me down.

Here is another example

Here is a suggested revision, with quotes in the correct place:

"Sorry mum, I would not be coming home tonight." This was my reply to her hours later after I pretended to be shocked about her coming. "I have work to do," I lied. "I need to be on site tonight and will not be back until tomorrow." I knew she knew I was lying, but there was nothing she could do about it. She knew I was running from her so she decided to play the waiting game as though she expected that I would do just that. It was as though she had already predicted the outcome before I even knew of her intent. She was already ready to make her next move as though we were locked in a tight game of chess.

You can learn more about how to write dialogue in this article in our catalogue of storytelling tips,

Taking time to read through your story carefully as a last step before posting, and considering the reader experience, is a great way to improve the quality of your work. We hope these tips are helpful.