Only Because I Permit You

Few days back, I shared a post in this community titled ‘Why Are You So Angry?”. I recall writing that I did some self reflection when I realized that my anger was disrupting the flow of my life and friendships with other people. I also remember where I wrote that a major part of my anger was because I hadn't gotten any of the things on my wishlist.

One thing I wished for was to find true love or at least, a love worth fighting for. I wanted to experience a sweet romance at my young age. And I was no close to getting it. When I think about it now, it wasn't as much of a need. Just a want. It is something I can very much do without now, but at some point in my life, I desperately wanted to be in a relationship, wanted to experience the term, “true love” and that desperation was part of what sent my romantic self into flames.

A major reason why I wanted to be in a relationship was because at one point, my life made no sense and it felt like I had no purpose. It was higgledy-piggledy. And in the midst of all that, I wanted someone that could help me make sense of it all. I wanted to at least find purpose in that person, be a better person for that person. Find happiness, maybe.

In my desperation to find this, I fell into some tumultuous situations, where I met people who weren't even meant to be in the picture at all. I got infatuated with people, crushed and obsessed over some, even thought I was in love with some and all of them were not meant to be. Because they couldn't give me what I wanted. It wasn't that they weren't good people in their own right but that security and trust and love and hope that I needed couldn't be provided because they just weren't the right one. They weren't interested in the commitment and just wanted the surface level interactions. And as soon as I discovered that one couldn't give what I wanted, I would flit away and wait for the next person that caught my eye.

Getting into these situations or flings (for lack of words) were adding something to my life that I hadn't even realized then. It was adding mental clutter and chaos. By inviting people anyhow into my space and sharing a certain level of intimacy with them was a whole truckload of negative energy I wasn't supposed to be dealing with. And somehow, after each encounter, I ended up coming away more drained and emptier instead of fulfilled. Draining my hopes away, making me think there was something wrong with me, making me think like I would never get the depth of love I deserved.

It took a while for me to get my head straight. It took a lot of straight-talking from a mentor before I came to terms. It was a good thing to find out that I could get the safety, commitment and trust I needed, from my family and closest friends. They could pour their love into me and fill me up. Those situations I had put myself into wasn't necessary. I could do well and stay positive with the people I loved around me. The transformation was sweet as I became happier in coming days, as the clutter started reducing.

Joining the minimalist community and reading people's stories and how they make conscious efforts to right and shape their lives in a good way also helped (still helps) me.

I still get lonely sometimes (cause who doesn't), but i'm not that desperate girl anymore. I'm now very mindful of who I allow into my life and space. You are only in my life because I permit you. It doesn't take too much effort to push out anyone who might decide to disturb my mental and emotional health. I still very much wish to find true love 🌚, but I'm willing to be patient for as long as it takes, till the right one comes along.

Thanks for reading.

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I would like to give credit to my friends who took and sent these lovely pictures to me, because i needed them.They are the absolute best.

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Always Remember To Take It A Day At A Time.