Into The Light

It all started with morning sickness early last year. A day never went by without me throwing up right after waking up. The hospital became my second home and the frustrating part of it was that, none of those lab tests showed anything. It continued for a while and at a point, I was beginning to accept the situation.

One particular night, I got into a big fight with my closest friend. I was so scared that the friendship was going to come to an end so all that time she was screaming at me, I kept how I felt to myself. When I woke up in the morning, the usual happened.

Weeks later, I found out that was me going through anxiety. It didn’t make sense that me not wanting to express how I felt about things could make me anxious. To me, it was extreme. I needed to be sure that the main cause of that morning sickness was anxiety, so for weeks, I made sure to confront anyone who stepped on my toes to sort things out. All through those mornings, I woke up very calm. No fast heart beats, no stomach turnings, no nothing.

I later realized those emotions I was bottling up all that while was fear. Anytime I had an issue with someone the fear of losing them or hurting them with my words kept my mouth shut. And then it would later engulf me so much that anytime I woke up, that would be the first thing to haunt me. It was just me choosing to stay in that dark place.

That was when I made a conscious effort to walk in the light. It was a bumpy ride last year but I’m still on this journey. I began expressing my emotions instead of harboring them. Was it fear or anger? I expressed them all. I made sure at the end of the day, I never went to bed carrying anything so heavy in my heart which could send me back into that dark place.

This year, I want to go back to the person I was before it all started. Thinking about #travellighttuesday immediately made me realize that no matter how light you travel, moving darkness is even worse. The darkness itself becomes a hindrance to your motion, development and direction. So now, I’m going to continue expressing my emotions and thoughts as and when they come. And that’s totally on me sorting out things as soon as I smell any smoke.

What I went through the beginning of last year taught me a lot. And during the time I was clueless of what was happening to me, it felt like I was drowning in so much darkness. The peace, the calmness each time I woke up in the morning feeling okay is something I will never trade for anything. I’m going to keep walking in the light and allow nothing to draw me back into that dark place again.