Post Traumatic Distress
As I mentioned in my post yesterday, this is one of my favorite times of year, but it is also a time that I sort of dread. More so this year than in years past. You see, it was right around this time almost a decade ago that I started a journey many people face these days. Being diagnosed with cancer is one of those things that kind of sticks with you forever, and even if you are lucky enough to beat it, you still have this latent sort of fear anytime any kind of medical issue pops up.
I've written about this several times before, but the fact that I had the "good kind" of testicular cancer isn't lost on me. As if there could be any good kind of cancer. It all pretty much sucks one way or the other. Luckily though, they were able to remove it, and for the better part of eight or nine years I have been clear.
I'm not sure if "clear" is the right term. It might technically be "in remission", but since they cut out the tumor, I don't know if that is exactly accurate either. To me remission seems more like they have abated it versus actually eradicating it. I think I'd actually be a little more uneasy if the technical term were just remission, because to me that makes it seem like it could come back.
Which actually leads to the point of this post. Now that I am 50, there are other tests that men of a certain age need to have done each year. Typically, about a week before my check up appointment, I get some blood work done. They check my blood for tumor markers related to the testicular cancer, and then when I got into the doctor he looks at the numbers, checks out my junk, pats me on the back, and I am on my way.
Like I said though, I am older now, so they are starting to check more things than they used to in the past. In fact, they took four full vials of blood from me yesterday when I went to the lab.
I'm not a fan of needles.
If you are talking about trauma, that is enough right there to put me on edge. Add to that the fact that I am having these new tests run, and I have been a bit out of sorts lately. I'm not going to diminish those with PTSD by claiming I have it, but I think anyone who has fought and won against cancer knows, that there is always this underlying fear that it is going to come back.
Maybe in the same area, maybe in a different one, maybe they didn't get it all the first time. It's enough to make your head spin.
As I said, I have been a bit out of sorts, with this overall sense of dread. Unfounded or not, it's there. I realized the other day I was actually putting off getting my bloodwork done this year because of it. Like me waiting until the last minute would change the outcome or any of the numbers.
I realized how foolish that was, so I finally went and got stuck yesterday. I went to a different place than I usually go and I had a really great phlebotomist. Kudos to Mrs. whatever your name was, you did great!
So I spent the day waiting yesterday for the numbers to show up in my health app. Which honestly is about the worst thing they could have ever created. They really should have just had your numbers go right to your doctor and you find out about them after they have had a chance to look at them. It would definitely cut down on the generation of Google doctors getting themselves worked up that they might have some kind of infectious disease or something.
I kind of forgot about it, but then I woke up this morning to find my numbers had come across at 2:30 AM.
Of course, the one specific number I was most interested in doesn't seem to be there. I don't know if that test takes longer or I just don't know how to read it (because despite Google, I'm not a doctor), but what I was hoping to get some relief on doesn't seem to be there.
Which means I have to go old school and wait a couple more weeks for my appointment to see what the doctor has to say.
It's scary the dark places our minds can go in the midst of waiting. Fingers crossed it all goes well, but trust me when I say, if you know someone who has gone through a major medical issue, they might be fighting some inner battles you don't see or even realize.
Your support could make a huge difference to them.
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I totally agree with you about the anniversary dates, not all of them are "good" to remember... And fortunately, I'm lucky enough for not dealing with a oncologic health issue. And on this days, it is a "rare" thing, since I'm heading to my 50yo.
I have another heath condition that it's progressive/degenerative, that from time to time, I post about it too.
We all have some "ghost" in the closet. They might differ from importance and from severity, but all of we struggle from them. I congratulate you about talking and exposing your fragilities, and PSTD intermittent status.
"Which honestly is about the worst thing they could have ever created. They really should have just had your numbers go right to your doctor and you find out about them after they have had a chance to look at them. It would definitely cut down on the generation of Google doctors getting themselves worked up that they might have some kind of infectious disease or something."
I was born in 78, and all of this running, and constant search for optimization comes with a BIG cost. Our tranquility, and the ability of waiting the necessary time to have the feedback, the results, whatever...
We have been used to have all things in the tipo of our fingers...
Continue to stay strong in your battle. As you said, "Some inner battles you don't see or even realize."
Fingers crossed for your results, my friend!
Have a great week
Thanks for that. I definitely remember the days when you didn't get your numbers right away and while sometimes it is nice, other times it just leads you down a dark hole of scenarios that may likely never happen. It's a double edged sword.
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You don't have to wait a couple of weeks. Have your wife call and get the results now. If it's a tough call like that, my husband and I call for each other. It softens the blow, if there is a blow coming, and it certainly relieves anticipatory anxiety.
We have been dealing with renal cancer here. Renal cancer is a strange bird. There is really no way to tell if it's coming back. Husband had a nephrectomy in 2016. It came back in 2023, and we are still dealing with it. But that's the thing. You'll deal with it. You're vigilant. You'll catch it early if it comes back, and you'll zap it, just as you did the first time.
As I say, put this on your wife (she'll hate me). I do all the calling for my husband. Makes it easier.
Good luck. I have great confidence in the treatments available. You'll be writing many, many more blogs 🌸
Yes, that is a good point and a possibility. Thank you. My mother in law just had a softball size mass removed from her bile duct/gall bladder/pancreas area. Luckily it went well and was benign, but she is still dealing with dialysis and all of that. I am sorry you are having to go through that together and thanks for the encouragement.
Glad it was benign, but that is painful! And dialysis...hard!!
I hope this works out for you. If the test results don't come out soon, take action. I've been thinking about the word 'patient'...it describes our role in medicine when we seek treatment. We suddenly fall into a passive role, being patient, waiting. Takes as much attitude adjustment as the illness itself.
Good luck. Keep us informed, please.
he words you share convey with absolute clarity that heaviness known only to those who have walked the path of cancer. That blend of uncertainty—waiting for test results in the middle of the night while your mind drifts to dark places is a deeply human response to a trauma that never fully fades, no matter how much time passes.
Your honesty in opening up about that silent anguish, the kind that arises between a lab test and the doctor's appointment, serves as a valuable reminder to us all. It takes great courage to face that fear head-on, overcome procrastination, and commit to self-care, even when every part of you wants to put it off.
I am sending you a hug filled with strength and positive energy for these weeks of waiting. May the days pass quickly, may your mind find moments of calm, and when you finally speak with your doctor, may you receive the reassuring news you deserve so you can continue enjoying this time of year in complete peace.
Wishing you great strength and light on your journey.
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Thank you, I appreciate that. I actually feel a bit better now that I have the blood work out of the way. It was just a mental barrier I had to work through.
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I had my last batch of blood tests earlier this year and everything came back good. But I didn't have cancer like you, if I did these would have been scary...
Yeah, I get the regular ones too, but these are extra special that I get to have in addition to that for the rest of my life now I guess :P
Thank you for sharing something this personal, it's not easy to put that kind of anxiety into words, but I imagine a lot of people who've been through a cancer scare will recognize themselves in it.
That waiting period, between the bloodwork and the actual appointment, sounds like the hardest part. It makes total sense that even years later, routine tests can bring back that underlying unease. Glad you found a good phlebotomist at least, small comforts help on days like that 🙏
Wishing you clear results and a quick two weeks until your appointment. Take care of yourself, and thank you for the reminder that not every battle is visible from the outside.
Greetings from the Marche countryside 🌿
@caparadiso
Thanks, I appreciate that. Yes, the waiting really is the hardest part like they say. All the uncertainty can play tricks with your mind.