When Happiness Doesn’t Answer Me Back

There are times when everything seems to be going so well and perfectly, yet I feel some strange heaviness in my soul, not because I receive bad news or something terrible happened, but because my mind will just refuse to rest.

Before, I usually thought maybe I am not okay because when I look at myself, I am happy on the outside, but there is no reflection of it when I check my inner self. And it always feels off, most especially in a country like mine when everyone always expects that since I am a man, I should automatically be strong, keep pushing, and be grateful. But I am also human too.

I could remember one time like that; I got good news about something, but instead of me being extremely happy for myself. I was just there, not sad, just not present, and that made me really confused. Even those that I shared the news with look happier than I do.

I have heard it countless times when people say, "Choose happiness." I have been there. And some days it works perfectly for me, while some other days it goes the other way around, and it looks like I am forcing myself to even smile, let alone laugh. And this happens especially when I have divided attention.

But then life is always funny, and it always comes to us as it seems fit because there are some days that I have laughed like I won a jackpot even when things are not going my way as planned. Make the room lively even when I know that I don't have it figured out at that time.
So, from my experience, I will not say happiness is not a thing I can fully control. Sometimes, my environment shapes it; even life does not lie about that. Yet, I respond to that in a small way.

And these days, I have learned not to force myself to be happy all the time. I just allow everything to flow and not send the wrong signal to my body because that is what I need sometimes, not forced or false happiness.

Thank you for reading.

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