The Quiet Weight of Letting Go

There was a time someone offended it. It was a long time ago, and an elderly woman said I should let go and forgive. To me then, I was still feeling anger, and someone asking me to forgive looks so easy, like, "Just like that, I should let go of this hurtful thing this person did to me?"

But as I was growing up, I heard it over and over, during my secondary school assembly, then during family morning devotion, in church, and even among my friends, that forgiving someone is a sign of strength. I hear something like, "Hmmm, just let it go. Don't hold on to it. God has instructed us to always forgive those who offend us." But has anyone really talked about the depth of what it is to forgive and how it feels like a battleground in the heart of the person who was hurt? To be honest, it is not always as easy as people just saying the word.

When I was in my second year, a very close friend of mine did something very terrible to me, and it broke my trust. Not in a way I can possibly imagine because I was not expecting such from him. That kind of hurt made me replay everything between us in my head over and over again and question myself: if I were in his shoes, would I have done the same? For a very long time, I kept my distance from him, stopped visiting him, and just allowed things to be when we saw each other. Though on the outside, I looked okay; I was still greeting him when our path crossed and even smiled at some of the things he said when we were in groups. But deep inside of me, it was another scenario.

The anger I felt was like a volcano that was about to erupt, but I was holding up. But the funny thing was that this guy just moved on like nothing happened, maybe because I didn't challenge and question him, but I was going around with that pain.

During this period, it was like everyone saw my soul. For two weeks straight, all the church programs I went to were centered on forgiveness, and that was when it occurred to me that this is a message, and I had different perspectives on forgiveness in a way that I stopped pretending like nothing happened or keeping the hurtful feelings inside of me. But I decided to not allow myself to erupt like a volcano.

At that moment, I allowed him to stay far and maintain that distance. I didn't try to reconcile because that was what I learned, and it happened to be the best thing I could do as I let go of all the bitterness that I was carrying around, and to be honest, it was not easy, but I did it with courage.

But these days, I look back to my younger self, and I realize that I was weak then when it comes to forgiving. But now, I do not see it as a sign of weakness because, for me, and like I always say, I prioritize my peace more these days, so it's best for me to let go of some things even if it will create distance.

Thank you for reading.

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