(edited)
Hello @kilvnre
You have powerful material. A few modifications in your writing style would make it more effective.
One thing that always helps in a piece that is meant to be creative nonfiction is dialogue. Straight narrative is tedious for the reader. Break up your narrative with dialogue. Many opportunities exist in this story.
Also, be careful that you do not substitute commas for periods. At the end of a complete thought you need a period. These also helps the reader along.
We give this advice so that your writing journey will be one of progress.
Happy writing.
0.00000000 BEE
Thank you, I will do well to improve on it...