A WALL INDEED.

Throughout my life I have put up several walls based on things that I see happening to others and things that have happened to me, and I've watched several of those walls crumble into a million pieces. Even worse than the wall of Jericho. And it has made me to realise that those walls were put up not because they should be there, but because of fear.

The first wall I can recall right now is the wall of No forgiveness. I know it's not usual, but I have had that wall once in my life. I believe if I didn't forgive whoever hurt me, the person will always know that they hurt me and they will continue to feel guilty just as I was feeling hurt. How stupid that was. It was when I realised that in doing so I was only hurting myself the more that I let go of that wall. Turns out the wall I put up was crushing me slowly and I was still holding on to it.

The next is the idea that being in a relationship was a very bad thing to do. This was fueled by the things I saw as a young child in the romantic relationships I saw around me and in movies. I focused on the wrong thing couples did, especially the men. How they committed all manner of vices all in the name of making their girlfriend happy. Even the ladies too. They were doing unthinkable thinks just to please their men. I can't even go into details about the things I saw. So with the upbringing I had, I concluded that relationship were bad. I also said to myself that I would never have a partner till I was ready to marry. I wasn't even yet a teenager when I started building that wall. Because of that, I avoided any person of the opposite gender that seemed to be coming too close. But when grew older and understood more and better, I personally kicked that wall down.

Moving on from that, I started being more open to the opposite gender, but there was a problem. Anytime I started feeling things for them and I found the courage to tell them, I get a particular response, "I am in a relationship". This happened so many times than I could count and eventually I started laying the bricks for another wall. The title of the project was, "forget about relationships and make money". Matter of fact, that project was initiated this very year. But before it could go to far and become too strong and rigid, I met someone. At first I decided that I would just give it one last try, and honestly I was ready for the usual response, the one I got from my previous trials. But that response never came. That is how that wall has been abandoned, and hopefully, I will never have a reason to revisit the site. Though the other part of the project is still on, making money, that is, I've decided I don't have to do it the way I initially planned.

One other wall is the that of fear. I don't like apportioning blames, but I owe that wall largely to my upbringing. Back then airing your mind was high sacrilege. You don't even dare. You only could say when you were hungry or ask for things you were asked to bring or pay for from school. Because of the strictness if that environment, even the things one was supposed to ask for I couldn't, and I unfortunately grew up with that mentality. Were even now as an adult I still holdback things that aren't worth holding back. Things that will actually change my situation, I still keep quiet about them. That has been the tallest and strongest wall I had unwilling built, just not to offend anyone. But I know gradually, that wall is coming apart brick by brick. I don't know how long it will take, I don't know exactly what I need to do to wreck it faster, but I know that that is one wall I want to, and am actively bringing down. I want to know who I would be when that wall totally crumbles.
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peace out ✌️

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