Hope and loss

“Hands in the air, stay where you are! Ma'am step away from the criminal!” the police shouted repeatedly. Amira shook her head to block out their voices and focused on the young man in front of her. Sweat dropped into her eyes, but she refused to blink, Amira was scared to break eye contact. I need to get the person I saved back, she thought to herself.

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“TJ please, look at me, everything will be OK. Drop the bag and walk towards me” Amira replied.

“I’m sorry Miss Amira I tried…you did your best, and I'm grateful that I got to meet someone like you” TJ replied blinking furiously and shaking his head. Suddenly, a dark look came over his eyes and Amira knew that was the end. She'd seen that look before in her brother's eyes. It was a look of finality…of farewell…of death.

“TJ Noo!” Amira screamed, but it was too late. TJ reached behind him for a weapon, and she watched helplessly screaming as he put the gun to his head, and as his body slumped to the floor, she blacked out.

---

Amira woke up feeling disoriented, she knew was supposed to be somewhere doing something important. Amira had been in her office when Alicia had called her crying frantically over the phone about…

“TJ” she gasped, bolting upright and wondering where the hell she was.

“Babe…calm down” Amira heard a male voice say as strong arms circled her in a bone crushing hug. Why was she hearing her boyfriend's voice, and where was she? Amira thought to herself, looking around. Suddenly, the events of the past hours replayed in her memories, and she broke down in tears.

“Shh, it's okay. You're in the hospital, you'll be fine” her boyfriend Jamal said, still hugging her.

“He’s gone, I failed his mother… I made her a promise and I failed her. She called me and I got there and tried to talk him out of it...” Amira babbled, wailing.

“Amira, you know you did everything you could. I won't let you blame yourself for this, you hear me?” Jamal said, releasing her from his embrace to look her in the eye.

She nodded and then tried to get herself together, all she wanted now was to go home and curl up in her bed, and crying hysterically would only give the doctor more reasons not to discharge her. After what felt like an eternity of checkups and prodding, she was allowed to go home.

Throughout the ride home, she gazed out of the window silently and gasped in pain as Jamal drove past the megastore where TJ had ended his life. Amira had grown up in this neighborhood, and somehow she had been one of the few survivors. Growing up, she had witnessed a lot of violence, corruption, and crime on the streets of her city.

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A lot of her friends had followed the bad path and become sucked into the dark vortex of its underworld, including her only brother Max. But Amira had determinedly pushed through, stayed clean and focused on her studies. She got a degree and a PhD, then a good paying job. Now she ran a charity organization that helped reform youths who'd made bad decisions with their lives.

“Thank you love” she said to Jamal, squeezing his hand as he tucked her into bed immediately they got home.

“Promise me you won't cry again if I leave you to go make dinner” Jamal said.

“I pinky promise” she whispered, offering him a wobbly smile to reassure him. It worked because he went into the kitchen and Amira tried to blink back the tears that seemed to be pouring out of her eyes without her permission. She bit her lips, closed her eyes and tried to relax.

Images of TJ flashed through her memory. TJ had been a star boy, capturing the heart of everyone in the organization. His father had been abusive to his mother and the trauma had troubled him, leading him to drugs and robbery until Amira had found him. He wasn't her only survivor, but TJ had somehow found a special place in her heart.

He reminded her of her brother Max, and he was always willing to be better, always willing to help others like himself become better people. Amira had promised his mother that she'd make sure he never went back to crime, and she was accomplishing that goal. What had happened? Why had TJ gone back?

Oh God, his mother…how was Amira going to face Alicia. She'd failed her and watched her son die. All Amira wanted was a better world, she longed for a better place devoid of hurt and crime and bad things…why couldn't she save TJ? She had high hopes for him, and he'd even gone back to school…

“Dinner is served” Jamal announced in a singsong voice.

“Am I a fool for dreaming of a better world?” she asked Jamal as he placed the tray on the bed.

Jamal sighed and looked at her sadly. Then he stood up and went to the living room to fetch her photo albums.

“The world is already a better place with someone like you in it. You're the most optimistic and thoughtful person I know. I know how much you love TJ and how hard it is for you, but you've saved thousands of kids and families so you are not a failure” he said.

Amira started crying again, so he hugged her and continued talking

“Only God knows what made TJ go back to his old friends, but it definitely wasn't your fault. Plenty of other kids need you, so I can't let you break down. Look at the albums of smiling faces whose lives you've touched” he said chucking as she blew her nose with a corner of his shirt.

“Sorry about your shirt, babe. I'll wash it tonight” she said with a hiccup, smiling at the albums in front of her.

“First you eat, then you shower and try to sleep. I'll handle every other thing, I love you” Jamal said.

“I love you too” she whispered, eating her dinner and trying not to think too much.

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Just before she drifted off to sleep, Jamal lay beside her and told her ridiculous stories, trying to make her laugh.

“And babe…there's one more thing I didn't tell you, but you have to promise not to cry” Jamal said in a warning tone.

“I think my tear ducts have dried up” she said hoarsely.

“Alicia called, she was worried about you. She says you shouldn't blame yourself and that you tried your best. She wanted to come over, but I asked her to come tomorrow” he said and watched as Amira breathed a sigh of relief and choked on a sob. A few minutes later, she had cried herself into a bone-tired sleep.

---

Over the coming days, they figured out what happened to TJ. He'd actually agreed to go for a robbery with his six so-called friends because they had threatened to kill Amira and his mother, Alicia. He'd believed them and made the wrong decision instead of confiding in his mother or Amira. The remaining two friends who survived the ensuing shootout with the police had been arrested and they would be locked up for a long time.

If only he had told them, they could have saved him by going to the appropriate authorities. Amira would have personally moved him to a different city and school. TJ made a mistake and its repercussion was one they would all have to live with for the rest of their lives…a world without him in it.

Slowly, Amira got over her grief and moved on with her organization, offering hope to people around her and changing lives for the better. Jamal was always by her side as usual…her backbone, her confidant, her love.