The topics this week apply to everyone

This week, I think all the topics of the weekend engagement apply to everyone. And that immediately makes it difficult to choose one. Because 1 topic from this list became difficult, I decided to put two together in a blog. It may not be what you immediately expect, but it's really true... From the saddest times of my life I definitely went straight to the happiest times of my life. Bounced from one to the other.

An entire series of sad moments.

The saddest moment in my life has been in a very sad time. Actually, there is not really one saddest moment, but an entire series of sad moments. Unfortunately. I have written many times before about how my father died of lung cancer, how my mother died 1.5 years later from COPD. Those are of course 2 very sad moments, but strangely enough not even the saddest moments. No, in those moments, no matter how sad they are when you have to say goodbye to your parents, my sister and I were at peace with their passing. And in our mother's case, we were even relieved. Relieved that her hard struggle had finally come to an end, and she no longer had to feel pain and fear.

Can you imagine ...

But the saddest moments are in the period before their death. Because can you imagine how you feel as a daughter when you have to watch helplessly as the father you have always admired for his strength, is eaten from the inside by the cancer in his body? Can you imagine how you feel when your father, who always could and did everything himself, has to admit that he can't do it himself anymore? Can you imagine if your father forgets your birthday? Can you imagine the pain when your father suddenly says to you in the hospital, “Who are you? I do not know you!".

Making impossible decisions

The conversation in which I had to make an impossible choice whether my father could come home to die or whether he should be moved to a nursing home to die there. The impossible choice that rested on my shoulders, and the pain it caused me to say I couldn't care for him around the clock. Mentally I knew that, of course, but emotionally you don't want that at all. I wanted to give my father everything, even if it was beyond my reach. And that didn't even have to do with me, but I wanted to avoid hurting my father at all costs. And there were also some of the saddest moments that I have never forgotten. During that conversation, I asked my father what his wish was. The doctors responded to my question with the answer that my father was no longer able to express an opinion. To which my father responded by getting emotional, saying that he might not be able to do everything he wanted to, but that he was well aware of what was going on. That answer went through my heart, it has always stayed with me, the despair, the sadness, the vulnerability, and powerlessness of the whole situation. My father then indicated that the situation had to remain livable for everyone, and if that meant that he couldn't come home to die, he understood that. 5 days later, he closed his eyes for good.

The last place in her life

On February 14, 2007, the irony of the day, I had to pick up my mother from the hospital. To take her to the nursing home where she would die. We didn't know how long it would take, we didn't know exactly how, but we knew this would be the last place she would see in her life. During the interview for admitting her in the nursing home, my mother was completely ignored. All questions were asked to me. Although my mother was in poor physical condition, she was mentally quite capable of managing her own life. Being completely ignored was hurting her very badly! And yes, it was definitely disheartening for me too to see that.

The years from 2003 to 2008

There have been so many more moments in this period that I honestly don't even want to think about anymore. If I do, I can still get emotional. The years from 2003 to 2008 have actually been a series of sad moments, and that makes that whole period my saddest moment. There are simply too many examples to cover it all here, and even now...so many years later, I can't write them down without tears rolling down my cheeks.

In order not to end this blog on a sad note, I'm going to tell you how I got from these sad moments into one of the happiest moments of my life.

And there comes the dog

So imagine that you have lost your parents, you are severely depressed, you even sometimes think about ending your own life because you don't think you are worth anything anymore, and then decide not to. But to buy a dog. After all, you live, and so you have to make something of it.

The happy times started, and still last

The dog that came into my life at that moment was Rowan, I have described him so many times. I'm not going to do that again. But the moment I saw him, the moment I held him in my arms for the first time. The moment when he gave me his trust, his heart, that moment is one of the happiest moments of my life. And buying Rowan also immediately started a happy period in my life, and that period, which lasts to this day!

I'll keep holding onto the happiness

Even though I had to say goodbye to Rowan in December 2019, I have learned so much in the years he has been my companion. Built up so much self-confidence, was able to experience so much together with him, so much love from him, and received through him that the happiness he has brought with him is in me. And as long as I can carry that with me, there may be setbacks in my life...but I'll keep holding onto the happiness.

Happiness comes from appreciating what is there, enjoying what you do, and being proud of who you are.