What's Going On With My Life?

Some of you probably noticed my inconsistent activity on this platform. For instance, I was active for this whole month, and then suddenly I would be gone for the next few weeks. I am aware that this is hurting the image I want to build on Hive, but it seems my willingness to do the things I love will suddenly leave me for a long period of time. Although I am trying to get back on track as soon as possible, my mind and body are not cooperating. Trust me, I tried to sit on my computer for an hour, staring at a blank Word document, hoping that I could think of something to write, but I just couldn’t. I also came to the point where I couldn’t type the word peakd.com on my browser because of guilt and fear: guilt because I just left everyone without telling them what the reason was, or guilt that I may have given them confusion because of my inconsistency. I am afraid because I am scared that they may think that I am not serious and just playing around, or they might misinterpret me.

I am an emotionally immature individual, or maybe you can also tell that my mental capability for handling emotions is weak. Whatever the reason, I am quite sure that my emotions can easily affect me and my daily activities. If I am happy, I am most likely to be motivated to do what I want to do. While, if I am sad, hurt, anxious, etcetera, then I will just lay on my bed with no energy to do the things that I need to do. I am too dependent on my emotions. Mentioning that, I already gave you a glimpse of why I suddenly became inactive.

Photo by Verne Ho on Unsplash

I just went through a heartbreak, which is basically the reason why I lost my will to do anything I liked. It's kinda embarrassing to share this with you since I am not used to sharing personal stuff on the internet. I am also scared that someone might invalidate my feelings and further worsen my situation. Another thing is that it makes you cringe at some point because it is so teenager-like, which is funny because I am a teenager and I am cringing at myself, hahaha.

To make it more concise, my ex cheated, and I am the one who decided to stop our relationship. Given the situation, it's more difficult to forgive and move on. Plus, the fact that this is the first time that I have committed on someone brings me to a deeper level of pain. I also feel betrayed because I gave my 100% trust to this person, but in exchange, he used it as a weakness or loophole to entertain someone secretly. He took advantage while I was looking away.

\Image by SAFA TUNCEL from Pixabay

That experience gave me lots of sleepless nights, headaches, and emotional breakdowns. It's unfair; whoever loves truly is the one who gets hurt the most in the end. But I guess that’s how this sht works.

Going back to Mark Manson, he said in his book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, that we should be the ones to act on our emotions. Although there are times that other people are the ones who give pain to our ass, in the end, it's up to you what steps will you do to feel better. Blaming someone or the situation won’t change anything.

Would you choose to suffer forever, or would you do something to be happy again?

Knowing this, I find ways to alleviate my condition. I deleted him from social media, where I always see him, deleted his photos, archived his messages, and hid him from my newsfeed. I also slept early and found other healthy distractions.

Fortunately, my friends also invited me for a nightly hangout. This is a great chance to have fun and temporarily forget the ache in my heart. I am so very grateful to them!

I really enjoyed talking to them, despite the noisy environment. The guest bands also helped me to sing out of my lungs and pour all my emotions into every lyric they sang. I also love the taste of the alcohol we drink, which tastes a little sweeter when you’re sad.

Also, this is the time when I got accepted by my university's admissions office. This is another dopamine boost that I am lacking. Plus, the reaction of my parents, knowing that they will never pay any cents toward my tuition fee, gives me an even happier feeling.

As a reward, my father bought me a brand new laptop that I can use for my programming journey. I am grateful to them because they are so supportive of the path I am taking, and that alone makes my heart warm.

As of now, it's already my first week in college, and so far I am liking the environment. This is really helping me cope with my recent heartbreak, which is pretty understandable because who doesn't get distracted by the heavy amount of workload? Just kidding!

And today, since I'm already feeling better, I wrote this. I also thank @dennnmarc for always checking me out. Despite my super late replies, he still talks to me like everything is okay. He’s also the one who pushes me to write and show up here.

The regular programming might continue again. I want to commend myself for choosing to escape the prison of the dark side, and I also want to give a huge thanks to the people around me for saving me. Thanks also to Mark Manson for sharing his words of wisdom.

See you again in the next blog, and thank you for reading!

Fin.