Very difficult Walk on a cold and gray March Wednesday
( EN / DE ) Today, as I set off on the streetcar, everything in me was screaming to just jump in my own car and head south....
A few hours and I would be on the Croatian or Italian coast.... A few more hours... Greece? Sicily? South of France? Cappuccino by the sea? Café au lait and chocolatines in a nice little French café? Tempting!
But neither the circumstances nor my bank account really provide a basis for such an escape. So I did what had to be done and set off.
Als ich mich heute mit der Straßenbahn auf den Weg machte schrie alles in mir danach, mich einfach ins Auto zu setzen und Richtung Süden abzuhauen...
Ein paar Stunden und ich wäre an der kroatischen oder italienischen Küste... Ein paar Stunden mehr... Griechenland? Sizilien? Südfrankreich? Cappuccino am Meer? Café au lait und Chocolatines in einem netten kleinem französischen Café? Verlockend!
Aber weder die Umstände noch mein Bankkonto bieten wirklich eine Grundlage für solch eine Flucht. Also tat ich was zu tun ist und machte mich auf den Weg.
"Chemotherapy initial interview" ... Sounds like crap, right? Well, it is. Well, not the conversation itself, the people there are all very nice, but all the thoughts and feelings that there in me could not - and let not - calm down.
"Chemotherapie Erstgespräch" ... Klingt beschissen oder? Tja, ist es auch. Also, nicht das Gespräch selbst, die Leute dort sind alle sehr nett, aber all die Gedanken und Gefühle, die sich da in mir nicht zur Ruhe bringen ließen - und lassen.
Instead of the cappuccino in the sunny south, I now had a reasonable 1-hour ticket from the Graz public transport company in wintry, cold Styria for 2.70 EUR. Also good.
Statt dem Cappuccino im sonnigen Süden gab es also für 2,70 EUR eine vernünftige 1 Stunden Karte der Grazer Verkehrsbetriebe in der winterlich kalten Steiermark. Auch gut.
My hometown Graz and with it thousands of memories passed peacefully by the windows of the streetcar. In general, a lot of almost forgotten memories have been surfacing lately.
With some memories also creeps such a feeling of "have I done something wrong in my life?" "Is it my own fault?" "Should I have taken better care of myself and my body?" creep up in me.
But most memories are just beautiful and make me smile.
Meine Heimatstadt Graz und mit ihr tausende Erinnerungen zogen friedlich an den Fenstern der Straßenbahn vorbei. Überhaupt tauchen in letzter Zeit sehr viele fast vergessene Erinnerungen auf.
Mit manchen Erinnerungen kriecht auch so ein Gefühl von "habe ich etwas falsch gemacht in meinem Leben?" "Bin ich selbst schuld?" "Hätte ich besser für mich und meinen Körper sorgen sollen?" in mir hoch. Aber die meisten Erinnerungen sind einfach nur schön und lassen mich lächeln.
Arrived much too early I got off the train at my destination and with this time of course I immediately started to do what I love anyway: to search my surroundings for photo motives :-)
Viel zu früh angekommen stieg ich am Zielort aus und mit dieser Zeit begann ich natürlich gleich das zu tun, was ich ohnehin so liebe: meine Umgebung nach Foto Motiven zu durchsuchen :-)
With an elevator I got to the roof of the building and from there a bridge leads to the huge area of the state hospital.
Mit einem Aufzug kam ich aufs Dach des Gebäudes und von dort führt eine Brücke zum riesigen Gelände des Landeskrankenhauses.
I had mentioned before that the building complex was built over a hundred years ago in the architectural style of Art Nouveau. These beautiful geometrically perfect buildings still stand there as originally built.
Ich hatte schonmal erwähnt, dass der Gebäude Komplex vor über hundert Jahren im Baustil des Jugendstils errichtet wurde. Diese wunderschönen geometrisch perfekten Gebäude stehen da immer noch wie ursprünglich errichtet.
But over the decades, many new buildings have also been built inbetween. A mix of old and modern, like a small town in itself. Calming trees and nice places to sit everywhere.
Aber es wurden über die Jahrzehnte auch viele neue Gebäude und Anbauten errichtet. Ein Mix aus alt und modern, wie eine kleine Stadt für sich. Beruhigende Bäume und nette Sitzplätze überall.
Here you can also see again the small church in art nouveau, from which I could make this beautiful "church and full moon" snapshot the other day. The time passed so quickly and it was also very cold and gray, so photos of the interior of the church had to wait for another opportunity.
Hier seht ihr auch nochmal die kleine Kirche im Jugendstil, von der ich neulich diesen schönen "Kirche und Vollmond" Schnappschuss machen könnte. Die Zeit verging dann doch so schnell und es war auch sehr kalt und grau, so mussten Fotos vom Innenraum der Kirche noch auf eine andere Gelegenheit warten.
The waiting room was comfortable and warm, and the conversation was actually as expected. Although the tumor in my abdomen itself could be completely removed, it is probably necessary to eliminate any remnants by means of chemotherapy. This will start at the end of next week and will last until July.
Der Warteraum war gemütlich und warm, auch das Gespräch war eigentlich wie erwartet. Obwohl der Tumor in meinem Bauch selbst vollständig entfernt werden konnte ist es wohl nötig eventuelle Reste mittels Chemotherapie zu eliminieren. Diese startet Ende kommender Woche und wird dann bis Juli dauern.
No, I am not really happy with this decision, yet I see it as the way to be completely healthy. Clearly I lack the courage and conviction to say "No, I can do this without conventional medicine".
In theory, yes of course! But honestly, so to speak, "in the middle of the practical exercise", well, there it all looks very different.
Nein, ich bin nicht gerade glücklich mit dieser Entscheidung, dennoch sehe ich es als den Weg um ganz gesund zu sein. Eindeutig fehlt mir Mut und Überzeugung, um "nein, das schaffe ich auch ohne Schulmedizin" zu sagen.
In der Theorie, ja klar! Aber ganz ehrlich so quasi "mitten in der praktischen Übung", na da sieht das alles ganz anders aus.
So everything was soon cleared up and I made my way back. This time without detour and without many photos. Yes, it looks like I have a long way to go. I hope it will bring me happily to my destination.
So war auch bald alles geklärt und ich machte mich auf den Rückweg. Diesmal ohne Umweg und ohne viele Fotos. Ja, es sieht so aus, als würde ein langer Weg vor mir liegen. Ich hoffe er wird mich glücklich ans Ziel bringen.
Closing words
I have known my diagnosis for almost 3 weeks now and knew that I am most likely facing chemotherapy.
I have long thought about whether I should tell it here on hive or not. But it is a fact that I have more in common with some people here than just "crypto blogging". Some have become real friends and important people in my life during these 1 1/2 years.
I also had to realize that it's hard for me to just continue blogging as if nothing happened and to keep quiet about this very current part of my life and to fade it out completely.
Why doesn't beeber do the edtopic anymore... why doesn't she assist Tengo with the new show anymore... why doesn't she answer comments sometimes... is hardly present as a mod in the Ecency discord?
Now you know why. Because there are so many thoughts in my head, emotions pop up like rockets and even a simple post sometimes requires full concentration and a lot of energy.
Schlusswort
Seit fast 3 Wochen kenne ich meine Diagnose und wusste, dass mir höchst wahrscheinlich eine Chemotherapie bevorsteht.
Ich habe lange überlegt, ob ich es hier auf hive erzählen soll oder nicht. Fakt ist aber, dass mich hier mit manchen Menschen mittlerweile mehr verbindet als bloß "Crypto bloggen". Einige sind in diesen 1 1/2 Jahren zu echten Freunden und wichtigen Menschen in meinem Leben geworden.
Auch musste ich feststellen, dass es mir schwer fällt einfach normal weiter zu bloggen als wäre nichts passiert und diesen jetzt gerade sehr aktuellen Teil meines Lebens zu verschweigen und komplett auszublenden.
Warum macht beeber das edtopic nicht mehr... warum assistiert sie Tengo bei der neuen Show nicht mehr... warum antwortet sie manchmal nicht mehr auf Kommentare... Ist als Mod kaum anwesend im Ecency discord?
Nun wisst ihr warum. Weil da so viele Gedanken in meinem Kopf kreisen, Emotionen wie Raketen aufpoppen und sogar ein einfacher Post manchmal volle Konzentration und viel Energie abverlangt.
But dont't worry, I don't plan to report only about this one topic, there will still be my Food Flowers and Shadowhunting posts, because often normality can also be very healing and helpful.
Ich habe aber nicht vor nur noch über dieses eine Thema zu berichten, keine Sorge, es wird weiterhin meine Essens Blümchen und Schattenjäger Posts geben, denn oftmals kann Normalität ja auch sehr heilsam und hilfreich sein.
So I use this somewhat unusual #wednesdaywalk post @tattoodjay to tell you what's going on in my life right now :-) Yours B.
So nutze ich diesen etwas ungewöhnlichen #wednesdaywalk Post um euch mitzuteilen, was gerade so los ist in meinem Leben :-) Eure B.
all photos by @beeber
Liebe @beeber,
die Diagnose Krebs ist immer ein Schock und krempelt das Leben erst einmal um. Ich musste es schon zweimal in der Familie miterleben...bei meiner Mutter und meiner jüngeren Schwester. Gott sei Dank sind beide mittlerweile wieder wohlauf, aber das Thema Krebs ist immer irgendwie präsent.
Ich wünsche Dir alles Gute und ganz viel Kraft in dieser Zeit, und das Du das Ganze schnell hinter Dir lassen kannst. Und dann wirst Du vielleicht an diesen Wednesday Walk zurückdenken, alles stehen und liegen lassen und mit dem Auto Richtung Süden fahren und einfach einen Cappucino am Meer trinken ;) Das würde ich mir für Dich wünschen!
Hallo, danke für die aufmunternden Worte.
Schön zu hören, dass es den beiden wieder gut geht, solche Berichte geben Mut.
!ALIVE
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Oh Mann, B., das sind ja echt ganz üble Neuigkeiten. Beten ist nicht mein Ding aber ich sende Dir so viel positive Energie wie ich kann. Bleib stark und ich wünsche Dir von Herzen, das alles gut geht und Du dann im Sommer Deinen Cappuccino an der Mittelmeerküste geniessen kannst.
Und zum Thema das Problem mit Deiner Hive Familie zu teilen kann ich nur sagen, ja, es mag nichts am Problem selbst ändern, aber es dürfte Dir helfen darüber zu reden und hie und da ein paar virtuelle Hugs zu bekommen. In diesem Sinne
HUGS 💜
Danke für die HUGS und positive Energie :-)
Ja! Der Cappuccino gesund am Meer wird mein Leitstern der mich führt
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I'm sorry I'm just getting here now. I have been writing and trying to catch up on comments also - but not for health reasons. only our crazy weather - but now power and internet is restored for good (i hope) for the last 24 hours.
let me get right to your post!
of course you did nothing wrong, and you take good care of yourself. cancer is nothing to do with this, my friend. This is the world that we live in now, where it is more rampant and comes to attack us from all angles, but you... YOU... will be victorious in this my beeber. you will. You already are!!! Now, you will just take the steps to lead you to the victory that you ALREADY HAVE in your body!! I know it.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this now - but don't worry about not being in certain places and taking time for yourself and needing to balance. You will come to where you feel that balance and you will know exactly where it is as it comes. in waves, in bursts, in peace.
Right now you are seeing things with different eyes. And it is difficult but it is also a gift in some harsh ways. You know? Because it is a disruption in the life that we have. and sometimes, a disruption is needed . We dont always enjoy the way they come. because it can come with fear and anxiety and pain.
but i remember seeing one of my favorite movies. "collateral beauty"
and we usually hear this word... collateral - with war. as in , collateral damage.
and its true. that is there also!
but amongst that - is also collateral beauty. and when we have this disruption - as your post even shows... we SEE things differently. we can talk a walk, and feel the warmth of a room, and admire the architecture and simply experience things that we might have been floating past before.
and it will stay with you - this appreciaion - AFTER you've had the victory also. because that is what life-changing experiences will do for us.
And I'm glad that you shared. because I do think that you will need people in new ways here. the connection - that is what we are here for. on this earth - to connect to one another, and to nature, and to change and be changed in the moments that we have.
the friendships here are very real, and they matter to all of us. In the busy - sometimes we wander and find new orbits temporarily - and that's ok. because when the time is right - the orbits realign and connect
i love you dearly. and i'm sending so much love to you, pink fairy.
love, meeber
Thank you so much my dear meeber and feel my hug, your words mean so much for me
! LUV
I am so glad that you made the decision to share this news with the community that loves and cares about you so much.
So einen post zu verfassen braucht sehr viel Kraft!
Und genau diese wünsche ich dir in den kommenden Monaten!!
Ich bin mir sicher wir alle drücken dir die Daumen das die Chemo nicht umsonst ist,
und im Sommer das Meer in vollsten Zügen wieder geniesen kannst!!
@germansailor teilte mit uns ein Ähnliches, ihm hatte die Krankheit MDS, das ist eine Form von Knochenmark-Krebs vor 7 Jahren erwischt, dank einer Stammzellspende und Chemo seit über 2 Jahren wieder als gesunder durch die Weltmeere segelt!
Alles gute, lg !PGM , !LOL mit etwas !hiqvote 🤠
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Danke ja die Unterstützung der Community ist wertvoll und tut mir gut
!ALIVE
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I am so sorry to hear this and I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers but remember this: it's not something you did and it's not your fault. When there is Hope anything is possible.
xoxoxo
Hey I was thinking of you this afternoon while browsing through Power Thoughts sounds :-)
Thank you for your kind words !LUV
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Aw, that is so sweet to hear 😊
Lots of hugs and healing energy to you.
I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and I can't imagine what you have been going through these last weeks or more. We are here for you in the community and our thoughts and prayers are with you. As Sandra wrote, you are not to blame and it is not your fault. Life throws us these awful curveballs and I am sure you will get through this and come out stronger than ever. ♥️♥️♥️
Oh thank you so much dear Steve. ! LUV
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Dear beeber, I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope you will soon recover your health and be healthy.
It's hard to find comforting words for something like this. But I understand the feeling of not knowing whether to say what you are going through or not. When I had a heart attack last November due to blood clots I also doubted if I should write about it, but in the end, I thought, here I show myself as I am and this is part of me and my life. In Hive, I have also made friends that even though I have not seen in person and have not been able to hug, I consider true friends. I'm glad you wrote about what is happening to you because it helps us to drain a little. I send you a big hug, with the best vibes, and thanks for showing this journey today.🤗
Didnt know about your heart? Ist it okay now?
Yes seems we had the same thoughts, the last view posts it felt like not being truely me.
Thank you for the good vibes and here comes a hug from Austria back to you :-). !LUV
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I'm okay and under treatment.
My best wishes to you, and please keep a positive mind. I know it must be very difficult to face what you are going through, but the mind is powerful, and our attitude helps to go through life curve balls. A big hug
!LUV
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So sorry to hear this and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for the treatment to go well
I know it must be hard at a time like this but stay strong and keep the positive thoughts in the foreground
Thanks for joining the Wednesday, its always fun for me to visit the walks from all around the world, getting a feel for communities where people live and what they see on their daily walks
Thank you very much
The good news are, by doctors advice I should make many walks in nature, wich will bring a lot of wednesdaywalk posts ;-)
!ALIVE
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Most welcome and enjoy the walks i always say they are good for us mind body and soul
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Well i can only wonder why does it always happen to the good ones ...
if you need a stranger to talk you can always whisper / dm me on disccord !
i hope you make it through this , i don't do prayers not my thing but i do wish you al the power to fight this .
Thank you Mick its so good to read all the friendly supporting comments !LUV
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Absolutely. It is. I send you lots of love. ❤️
!LUV
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You will have the long road of recovery ahead of you, but you are correct - it is the path to becoming completely healthy. I know you have many wonderful friends here that will support you in every way they can.
Thank you for supporting me and believing in my way !LUV
You're in our thoughts and conversation! ♥️
There are so many people praying for you. It means that you have your place in their heart. This too shall pass. Sending you hugs. Get well soon...
Yes and having them means so much :-) thank you dear !LUV
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I just send many love and good vibes for you <3
Thank you. !LUV
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Wishing you speedy recovery. Hope to see you back soon.
Thank you @weone
Nice to read you here
Have you thought about Rick Simpson cannabis treatments?
You have an amazing amount of friends here on the internet and we would like to support you in your journey.
Thank you for posting and sharing this information with the world.
Guess believing and lot of supporting Friends ist the best way to geht through this
Thank you. !ALIVE
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You are very welcome and look into the Rick Simpson story. Full spectrum cannabis oil has been known to reverse the growth of cancers.
Curse words! All of them. I've been the driver to and from that chemo treatment for two different people. Really important people, to me.
The stories don't end well.
Much love Beeber from whoever you want me to be. = }
Sorry to hear those Stories didnt end well and sorry for you loss
So lets Hope the best and thank you for your love
Oh, I feel sad for it. I must pray for you and always remember you in my prayers all time.
blessing⭐
Das ❤️ lasse ich hier, und wünsche dir viel Kraft und Glück!
Dein Post hat mich sehr berührt, wahrscheinlich deshalb, weil ich schon mehrere Freunde in dieser oder ähnlichen Situation begleitete.
Ich will keine grossen Worte verlieren sondern den Kommentaren von @oceanbee und @dreemstreem anschliessen.
Wünsche Dir viel Kraft und glaube an Dich.
Don't give up! One tip (I know everyone is giving you advice now, but anyway), two of my friends started taking THC and CBD intensively, i.e. daily, during chemotherapy because it makes you feel better and you have a better appetite.
My prayers are with you ♥️ As has already been said, you did take care of yourself! Don't try to second guess yourself. Thank you for sharing your journey here, please keep us updated?
!PIZZA !LUV
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I had no idea as I have only been posting MarketFriday once a week since January. So, I have been in the dark about so much, for which I am so very sad.
I am so sorry to hear of this and I have been back reading tonight to catch me up. I have been a terrible friend to all, and I can finally feel some relief in my schedule. I am glad you shared your story and can see you have many people by your side, so glad to see this.
Thank you for being so thoughtful and caring, even though you have enough on your plate.
You are so loved, my friend. Your calm nature is so very beautiful. xoxo
Dear @dswigle ❤️ no, please dont feel sad ❤️
Its so difficult to see and read everything on hive, and you are one of the most caring people here! How would hive be if we had more of your kindness? 🙂
Also I never took my health topic as a "Attention catching headline" because I thought thats not what I want. So only those who read my posts would know about.
Thank you so much for your words and well wishes