DIVORCE: Between the Child’s Trauma and the Parent’s Peace—What Comes First?
Divorce is no doubt one of those topics that once talked about immediately touches a nerve because of how traumatizing and painful it can be to those involved, regardless of if we're experiencing it ourselves or witness it from a neighbour or loved ones, one thing that's certain in all is how it always leaves behind a emotional ripple on the partners, and in a situation where children are involved, it becomes even more and in this article I'll like to address the topic of whose trauma should be considered during divorce between the partners or the children.
Taking a deep thought on the thought provoking question of if the children trauma from a broken home should be weighed against that of the wellbeing of the parents that are seeking divorce, which of these such come first, I must say that this is a quiet a difficult one to respond to because I've witnessed first hand what divorce lead to for parents, and also on several occasions so how such impact the lives of children in such situation.
As you all know I'm a teacher and work closely with children, these has helped me observe the emotional toll that happens to these kids beyond the surface, like they say when two elephants fight, it's the grass that suffers, that's the situation of children in a broken or about to be broken home, as you'll literally notices changes in them, from becoming withdraw, to acting out, or even carrying the burden in silence, or even even thinking they're the reason their parents drifted apart.
All of the instability in emotions can go on with them for years, even till their adulthood, not forgetting how it can affect their academic and other aspects of their lives, or even how they ended up having to stay with a relative or new dad or mum who maltreat them, I remember one of my students came to school with bruises all over her body and when I asked her how she came about all of those because I know her to be very respectful and gentle, she went on to tell me of how her step mum was the one who beat her for not washing the cloths of her step sister's before trying to leave for school that morning, it was painful seeing her go through all those after her parents divorce which lead to her dad remarrying, leading to her home turning to a tense atmosphere full of violence and maltreatment.
While I sympathise deeply with the situation of these children from a divorce home, I can't because of that push aside the mental wellbeing of parents, and that's why I'm not one of those who'll advise anyone to keep enduring a toxic home or an environment where they're not emotionally and mentally stable, like we all know, it takes a stable parents in those aspect to raise emotionally healthy children, and that's why I believe it staying in a toxic, unhappy or abusive marriage breaks the parent, then one way or another it'll affect the children too.
That a parent seeks peace of mind outside the four walls of that marriage doesn't mean they're selfish, instead I see it as a foundation of good parenting, because a good parent won't want his or her child to grow in such an environment, because in the end they won't be able to raise them well when they themselves are emotional and mentally unstable.
But then misunderstanding and and issues are bond to happen between two people, so regardless of if there are children between these partners or not, I think divorce shouldn't be the first thought that comes to their mind, instead effort should be put in place to make things work, from going for counselling together, communicating and compromising for the sake of the children or the love that was once between them, however, If after trying everything and things still is still going south, then walking away it is, for the opportunity to heal, grow and hopefully find a better environment for not just you but also your children, be it alone or in separate homes.
I think at the end of the divorce what can help children is if both parties are ready to co-parents In peace, if they're ready to be intentional about protecting their child mental wellbeing despite their own issues, and if they won't see time when one parent came to see the children as an opportunity to pick a fight or damage the other parents to the children, in my opinion I think what matters is finding a balance, that ensures that both the children and parents are protected and supported, it's not about who should come first, because both needs help and should be prioritised, a parent who is in a perfect state of mind tend to raise children well, than one who's drain mentally and emotionally.
All photos are taken and edited on canva.
Posted Using INLEO
I am not married yet and I feel I can't understand the actual thoughts between married people but I can guess. I think I don't have the right to say if anyone go for divorce or not but they should try to make efforts before they come to such a ending point as their children will face the maximum emotional damage. In this case either child affected by the divorce otherwise by the toxic relationship of parents if there were not divorce. It's hard to predict the outcome for me.
Children would be affected if the parents stay married despite being in a toxic home, and so divorce is necessary if measures to solve the misunderstanding isn't resolve, what matters is being intentional about the wellbeing of the parents and children in the end even if it outside the marriage.
I knew this particular prompt will have a lot of approaches from entries and I must say, I didn't expect to read a more deeper approach like yours.
It's true that some divorce for their peace, but an intentional decision to keep their children away from the trauma that follows is very important.
Nice approach Boss.
Thanks boss, it's a complex issue that involves not just the partners, but also the children and that's why everyone's wellbeing must be considered.
Great. You know sometime we just keep telling people to stay back and take care of their children without asking how far with their own mental health. We need to let it be for a while before coming back again so as to stay alive and take care of the children.
Thanks for sharing
Everyone wellbeing must be considered, we can't because of the children neglect the feeling of the parents.
Leaving does not mean you should shun all that happens to you at a glance, at least, we should try to look back as a parent for the purpose of the kids left behind.
Some parents are not worthy at all👌
That's just it, parents need to be there for their kids regardless of if they divorce or not.
If they care
Some marriages are so brutal and divorce is necessary if there is no changes after going through everything you mentioned. Few days ago I read about a man beating her wife because of money for food Online, the news are everywhere and it was so brutal. Imagine raising a child in that home.
Although we need to protect both parties, but sometimes everything doesn't goes the way we used to plan it. I will say parents well-being matters first, if we are about to choose. At least he or she will be able to take care of the children afterwards.
Understand your opinion and why you said parents wellbeing matters more, but then both can still be put into consideration when deciding on divorce or resolution.
My brother stopped going to see his daughter since two months ago because the wife will always pick fight ...even to Co parent in peace has not been easy
Divorce is not something I wish for my enemies
Divorce is very deep and complex, quite difficult to reach a mutual ground and I hope your brother finds a way to get around the whole situation because although going to court about the matter will help him gain access to the kid, it'll also cause him alot has he'll be task to drop certain amount depending on his income for upkeep and school fee.
Divorce affects both parents and children, and it’s tough to say whose trauma should come first. The key is finding a way for both sides to heal, and for parents to co-parent in a way that doesn’t add more pain for the kids. It’s about balance and ensuring everyone gets the support they need.
That's just it my dear, if they can both coparent without issues, it'll go a long way in helping not just the children, but then themselves in their healing journey.
This post has been manually curated by @bhattg from Indiaunited community. Join us on our Discord Server.
Do you know that you can earn a passive income by delegating to @indiaunited. We share more than 100 % of the curation rewards with the delegators in the form of IUC tokens. HP delegators and IUC token holders also get upto 20% additional vote weight.
Here are some handy links for delegations: 100HP, 250HP, 500HP, 1000HP.
100% of the rewards from this comment goes to the curator for their manual curation efforts. Please encourage the curator @bhattg by upvoting this comment and support the community by voting the posts made by @indiaunited..
This post received an extra 1.07% vote for delegating HP / holding IUC tokens.
I have seen how divorce affects children in many ways and I think you are right not to take sides between parents and children as most people do, the part about parents mental health and how it affects the way they raise their children is very true but it is not talked about enough, your opinion about trying to work things out first but knowing when to let go is realistic not that fake positivity that people promote nowadays. I read somewhere that children who live with parents who fight all the time end up more messed up than children with divorced parents who get along well which makes a lot of sense when you think about it.