The Weight I Quietly Put On Myself

Sometimes great needs a little pressure

Some people say that they are usually pressured by family members, society, and all those things, but when I take a deep and closer look at myself, I am the type that is not easily moved by all that pressure from society, family, and friends. I only pressure myself and go hard on myself when I need to because sometimes I usually expect too much from myself, most especially when I sit quietly in my space.

That silence timeline and inner pressure have always stayed in my head because I always like to have things figured out on time, like telling myself that by this time I should have gotten this thing done. By this age I should have gotten a stable income. By this time I should have gotten that right and solid connection that will help my life and career without stressing myself too much. And to be honest, those expectations are real to me even though I don't know where I got them from, but they are just in me already.

The funny part is life will always have another plan, and most of those plans I set for myself will not work as planned, and sometimes I become my own critic. Any little mistake kind of looks like I have fumbled big time, and one little failure or delay looks like everything is coming down on my head.
I remember a time like that. I already planned when to start a client design, but unfortunately, I was unable to finish it just because of some unforeseen distractions and delays. But deep inside me, I was so pressured that I should still have managed to get it down, and I am beginning to sleep on things. I became restless over it until I was able to finally get it done.

And now when I take a mad flashback on some things I have done, I get to know that I was not gentle on myself, and that wasn't fair. Life will always come at me, and that is understandable, and no matter how straightforward my plans are, life and situations will always bend them. There will always be physical factors, environmental factors, and even health factors. My energy will not always remain charged up, which might slow down a lot of things at that moment.
Yes, I am still a work in progress, and I am still and will continue to learn and teach myself how to be accountable without getting hard on myself. Though it is not easy, most especially in my line of work, it is something that I am figuring out day by day.

And now, I am more gentle on myself. Not as harsh as before because I realized that if I am hard on others the way I am hard on myself, they will be running again. That thought alone made me reduce the type of pressure I put on myself. It is not that I made myself become lazy by not putting in work or effort, but I just softened how I pressure myself, but the expectation is still high. Because when I look at it, too much pressure can destroy, but when it is moderate, I will definitely continue to build myself in the way I want it. And that alone has made me to realize that even when I don't finish something on time, it doesn't mean that I am left behind.

Thank you for reading.

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