Why Did I Do That?

I must be a masochist. Seriously, what is wrong with me?

I pretty much cut a mini-vacation short. Instead of staying at home for the next couple of nights, I agreed to work another night shift tonight. I could've been resting, but instead agreed to do this. And, as I was agreeing, I had a bit of a sinking feeling, knowing that this was a ridiculous thing to do, and that I should instead be resting.

On the bright side, it'll help me reset my sleep schedule, which became completely bonkers over the past few nights. Additionally, I'll be getting paid for this extra shift - probably just a few hundred dollars minus taxes. Not to mention, I've not been very productive at home these days because of my broken sleep schedule.

The downside is rather obvious. Not taking advantage of resting time. Admittedly, my next 5 1/2 months aren't as heavy on work hours as the 6 months I had from July to December, but there's still going to be time dedicated to other significant pursuits such as licensing, studying for specialty board exams, etc.

In the meantime, I haven't engaged in a single hobby while I was at home. I did read about some potential investments for my Roth IRA, which I plan to implement as I continue funding it. That's a positive. But I simply didn't pursue my hobbies. I don't really know why.

While I did watch some more TV shows, it seems like I'm just disinterested altogether. Nothing's really sparking me at the moment. I'm feeling unfulfilled and like I'm dragging through life, and this is right after a "vacation" during which I didn't do much fulfilling activity either. So now, even when I have a bit of time to engage in some hobbies... I don't. I wasted time on my phone while trying to fall back asleep because my sleep got messed up (bad idea, folks... blue light is not good for sleep, but I'm a hypocrite).

So yeah, that's my current state of mind.

I'm certain that stopping my depression medication last week didn't help me mentally, but it was necessary. Certainly, the poor quality and quantity of sleep was also a big contributor, arguably larger than stopping the aforementioned medication for a week.

I guess I'm taking the extra work hours to fill the time, even though it's taking me away from my mother for several hours. It seems I just don't spend enough quality time with her, even when I'm at home.

What the hell am I doing with my life, folks? This all just feels so wrong.