I Feel That I Deserve My Pain... But I'm Trying To Stop

I get into that loop once in a while wherein I feel that I deserve the pain I inflict upon myself. It is pure self hatred to a degree that I have never experienced upon anyone else, even those I'd regard as the world's worst people (yes, I'm talking about people like Hitler... this is how low I think of myself). Hence, hitting myself seems rational. Yet, I know it's irrational. Yet, I continue.

A few years ago, I had a similar thing happen. I was clinically depressed. Being a doctor myself, I decided to prescribe myself St. John's Wort because I didn't want to take SSRIs. Frankly, I didn't wan to take any medications at all (similar to this time) because I hated myself... but my mother convinced me. Anyway, St. John's Wort has been clinically proven to be effective for mild-to-moderate depression in a number of studies. I took the recommended dose, and it wasn't sufficient (my depression was rather severe - I was feeling suicidal and on the verge of planning it out), so I raised it by 50% and found it to be a good balance to keep me stable. It worked for 3 years.

Due to a side effect I thought it had, I stopped taking it. I was good for a while, then a few big stressors came along, and a brief family rift simply threw me over the edge. I was back exactly where I was 3 years prior, again suicidal, in that irrational hellhole of my mind. I'm still there right now, but less than I was was a few days ago. I'm gradually climbing out of that mess again.

Again, my mother convinced me to restart the medication I had prescribed myself. I started it last night. It's going to take a while to take its full effect. I'm still in a terrible state, but at least I'm calmer today. Less angry outbursts. Maybe my allergies distracted me today... I've been sneezing and with a runny nose most of the day.

I haven't hit myself since morning. Maybe my mind's turning around. It seems a little bit too fast, but then again, I am determined to help my family. Maybe that's driving me forward. It's certainly quicker than 3 years ago. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I suppose I'm trying to find a light to lead me out.

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