Got Sick... and Angry
Caught a virus just in time to miss the one event I wanted to go this year. I have no social life outside of work right now. I'm just trying to rewire my mind to accept that things aren't meant to go my way. To be content with what I have and nothing more. To hold no expectations and to not "plan" anything. That way, I won't be disappointed. Maybe that's an immature approach, and more than likely shows how truly lucky I have been and how spoiled I am in life, but my experiences over the past several years have culminated in this mindset. I know a lot of people have it far worse, and I should be more grateful.
My Mom's pain is worse today. It brought me a great deal of anger. I am angry at the world and at God (if there is one... I'm agnostic) for her continued pain. I keep asking, often in anger, for it go away, and if not, to be transferred to me. I just want her to not be in pain, at any cost. Unfortunately she heard me expressing my anger and that made her unhappy. While I'm not hitting or physically hurting myself (I feel too weak to do that right now anyway), I have to be a little more covert about this so that it doesn't upset her.
At least I helped her out today even though I felt a bit like sitting at certain points. I can tell I'm running a low grade fever, but that didn't stop me. Her health is more important to me right now. Although it would've been nice if we did this tomorrow instead of today. This was my one day off work, and I have to be back very early tomorrow. Maybe I can rest a little bit now, but it's not going to be enough.
(I will say that my Mom wanted me to stay home today but I wouldn't let her do this alone - I'm concerned that she'll worsen her injury. She wanted to make chicken broth for me because I'm sick and I couldn't convince her out of it, hence I went along.)
I haven't been eating well at all. No appetite at all. This little sickness extended it. I'll gradually get back to a more normal diet as I get better physically and mentally. At least I can see my abdominal muscles and even some of the intercostal muscles clearly, but those love handles don't want to go. Stupid body lol.
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🙏🏻
!LUV
The body is a reflection of the mind, they say.
Complicated days! Each little joy tells as victory
Hello my friend, I just stopped by to say hello. Sorry to hear about your viral infection, hope it is flowing into resolution, as you know only symptomatic treatment. The fact that you are active working and busy is valuable, it is a great strength. Let your mother spoil you, we mothers are like that and more so when our children are sick, it gives her joy and satisfaction to take care of you, give yourself a chance to savor her meals. I continue with my contact, Love, much love to you! !LUV
I did end up eating her soup. Her love makes it a genuine healing concoction that nobody else can replicate. It's custom made. :D
One of my wishes is to be able to spoil her more. I want her to experience everything she wants without concern for finances. She must be healthy in order to do that, so I want her to focus on her recovery.
I am very glad, dear friend. I don't know much about you, but my maternal instinct is very much alive. I sense that you both need each other in your own way, sometimes it is hard for us to express it. As a mother I can assure you with propriety, that our connection with our children is eternal, magical and powerful, it is the most sublime and selfless love that can exist. I understand her concern for you, although from the other side sometimes it is difficult to understand, we mothers live for our children and although they grow up that does not detract from our love, we will always watch over their care and well being wherever they are. Keep in mind that she watches over you, try if possible to give in a little and let her assume what she wants to do, it is a way to show you that she is still useful to you. I will keep looking out for you, write me whenever you want. Rest tomorrow, take things calmly and gently, I know it is not easy what I tell you, but you can do it and much more. Lots of strength and fortitude.