Staring into the Void
It was supposed to be a fun Friday. I took the day off and my wife and I woke up thinking we were going to be taking a road trip to Northern Michigan. However, our dog Jovi had a rough night on Thursday night, and Friday morning her old legs weren't working much better.
@mrsbozz found me crying at the kitchen sink and we finally had the conversation we had both been dreading for months. She made the call to the vet (I wouldn't have been able to), and within the next two hours and copious amounts of chocolate (because every dog should get the chance to taste chocolate), we had said our final goodbyes to our steadfast companion of 14 and a half years.
I'll be damned if The Beatles "Golden Slumbers" didn't come on the radio as we were driving her to the vet. Thanks for the stab in the back universe...
Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing could have prepared me for the crushing sadness this was going to bring. Wave after wave like person lost at sea. Just as I thought I might get some respite, another wave would come crashing into me (us).
As the day passed, I started to realize one of the things that hurt the most was the emptiness, the void. She was gone and of course that hurt, but the absence of routines, things that we would do at a fixed time with her, the absence of certain sounds, and even the absence of some of the annoyances she brought in her old age.
I can't tell you how many times I expected her to be peaking around the corner, or laying down next to me on the floor. Pulling into the driveway and not seeing her peaking through the blinds is torture. No longer will we be greeted at the door after a long day at work with her barking and telling us everything she witnessed during the day.
We have started to clean some things up, but there are others that we just haven't been able to touch. Toys, beds, her leash.
We went for a walk today, something she loved to do, we just couldn't bring ourselves to go to our old park though. She loved it there. She would get so excited when we even said the word "walk".
There's a good chance we won't wash this window for a long long time. Right now I can't even imagine attempting it. I am sure there will be a day, but I don't even want to think about that.
My wife and I were talking the other day and we agreed that neither of us were even this sad when we lost our grandmothers and we were very close with our grandmothers. I know that probably sounds horrible, but I can't remember my heart ever breaking this much.
Everything just seems so pointless right now. Our lives are so much emptier now. The house is so quiet and everything is just one great big meh. We have to go back to the vet early this week to get her ashes. I know that's going to bring another wave of grief our way. Can't say I am looking forward to that...
I know people mean well, but I almost think their kind words make it hurt more than if they just kept their mouths shut. Of course I am not saying I want people to do that, but every time it's like a cut. I have to give respect to the company Chewy though. Later on Friday I cancelled our account and the next day a delivery man shows up at the door with these flowers from them. I'm talking about a global company. They took the time to do that. It still makes me a bit teary...
I cried less today than I did the other two days, and I know it will get better with time, but right now... I don't know. Whatever.
I can understand why people dive right into getting another pet right away sometimes. The emptiness is ridiculous, I know some of you have gone through it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I can definitely understand why people turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. I know it isn't healthy, but if I could just block this all out I would.
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I’m truly sorry man. FYI that feeling never leaves you.
Thank you and UGH!
Feel for you both. Hugs to both.
K
Thank you so much!
That is always rough, but it comes with having a pet as part of the family. I haven't replaced my last dog still and it's been years... I know what you're going through, sorry to hear that!
My wife was talking to her mom on the phone tonight and I think her mom asked if we were keeping some stuff in case we ever got another one. My wife said that will not happen. This gutted us too much.
Don't feel guilty about not picking up stuff, or cleaning those nose marks off that glass. I still haven't cleaned our front door or rear door for that matter. I can't bring myself to do it. There's also a mark on the door leading to the garage area, that has some marks on it where she used to lightly scratch hoping we were on the other side of it. I haven't cleaned that either. I still have a couple of blankets and beds lying around. Not ready yet. i'm sure your time will slowly remove one thing and clean up another. But in my mind there's no timeline when it comes to that. And if anybody comes over our house and says something they can mind their business.
The loss of a pet is similar to the loss of a child. I know when my wife had a miscarriage it was similar but different. The loss of grandparents is similar but different. The loss of those close to us but yet again different. The loss of Our dogs, all three of them, has been the worst heartache of our lives. Nothing has compared to it. Similar but just not the same type of hurt.
I wish you guys a speedy recovery from this loss. No need to rush it, but it has gotten easier for us overtime. I find the worst is when I sit and I start to think about things. I find it better just to write about it and get it out of my mind. I see some post that follow this one you were doing the same. Our thoughts and prayers are with you guys and I hope you get to smile again one day, when you think of her. We will be thinking of you guys.
Thank you so much. Yes, the worst times are when I sit and think about her or when someone offers their condolences. I've had to walk away from a couple people over the last few days. I've also had to take a breath before I replied to some of the thoughtful comments I have gotten from people here. I'm going to write about it tomorrow, but we have her ashes now and for me it helps a little just having her close again.
I am happy that receiving her back has given you a little closure. I remember picking up the ashes.. I was balling my eyes out the whole way home.
So sorry, bro, my pupper is getting to be 16 pushing 17 here...not looking forward to this. 😢
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Like I said, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's the worst. I'm tired of feeling anything at this point.
Qué triste pero sé que tendrá un mejor lugar. Te entiendo es un dolor indescriptible. Me hiciste recordar cuando tuve que despedirme de mi mascota amada.
Last brave act one can do for our beloved four legged companions, tough! Always hurts, take care and be strong you two.
Thank you.
Very sorry to hear this Bozz! Been through this loss before as a child and I'm going to have to go through it again as an adult, it'll be no easier. Not ashamed to say I cried with you, as much for the good times you described as the bad.
Thanks, that means a lot to me. Not to ruin your day, but I feel like it's worse as an adult. I was a teen when I lost my last dog and I know I was sad, but this is just devastating.
No problem. Unfortunately, this is part of what we sign up for when we get a dog. The only way I can think to look at it is that we're privileged to be able to spend any time at all with such loving and faithful companions. They are truly amazing creatures. Hope it gets easier for you man, look after yourselves.
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I'm so sorry to hear about Jovi. I know the pain of loosing a dog, they are very much part of the family. All the best to you and you wife.
Thank you!
First of all, so sorry for your loss :( It's heartbreaking to read, losing a pet is like a family member but I agree, sometimes even worse..
I can relate to this a bit because I remember being heartbroken losing pets and harder to deal with the losses than a family member passing.. pets bring SO much joy in our lives.. it's hard to let that go..
What a shitty realisation to have that talk and the call to the vet.. I'd say take the time you need to remove her toys/bed or even the wet noses on the window, I totally get it.. Everyone has another way of grieving and I hope for you both, it will be less painful and more filled with beautiful funny memories that take over the mood rather than the pain and tears now..
PS what a beautiful gesture of that company. I will shut up now ;)
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Thank you! I think the issue with us being more upset is twofold. First, we were with her every day, so that just makes it more conspicuous. Second, both our grandma's passed naturally at an old age. While Jo was definitely old age, we had to make the final decision and that is brutal.
Yes, of old age then you kind of see it coming and naturally even better than losing someone in a horrible way.. We've been from our home country since 2016 and that also leaves a gap of relationships with family members that will not make such an impact anymore when they die compared to a pet you have been caring for for years...
It's hard to make that decision for sure, but she needed you to do it for her, as she could not do it herself. She'd have kept going as all dogs are so loyal to their owners..
It's an act of love, I wish you strength and much love to get through this...
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Im really sorry, having a pet is like having a son, hope you the best and time helps you to get over this hard moments 🙏💪
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Please accept my condolences @bozz
Thank you for allowing us to be part of this very personal event.
Greetings and best wishes from Venezuela.
Thank you!
👍
Unfortunately, I know the feeling all too well. We had to go through the same in February with Lana, and if that was not enough, we had to let Myla go at the end of March. Two dogs in less than two months.
I cried a river ever since.
Wishing you and your wife lots of strength. Cherish the good memories you made with her in the past 14 years!
I can't even imagine. That has to be so hard. One was enough for me. I think two so close together would just put me under. I'm very sorry you have had to go through that.
I can't even properly put into words how difficult it was, luckily we still have Skipper, and with his help and some extra help from CBD oil, I managed to keep myself afloat.
I have also written blogs about both Lana and Myla. It helped me a bit in processing the loss but the void remains.
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Theyre not pets they are family. I still remember every dog ive ever had and miss them in completely different ways.
Remember, no matter how hard it was for you, you did right by her and she wasnt suffering anymore than she needed. We do the hardest things because we love them unconditionally.
OH my god!! I just found myself a little teary-eyed....
Yes indeed. My wife and I don't have any kids, so she was like our daughter. I hope she was happy and she knows that we loved her.
You and me both!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. 😢
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Thank you.
The hardest thing of having a pet is saying goodbye to them. @bozz I hope same as me, time will heal the pains you've experienced of losing a pet. 😊
Thank you, I appreciate that. I had a dog when I was a kid and I remember that being hard, but this is just next level. It's kind of hard to even function or want to.
I feel you. @bozz It was the first time having a dog as married woman, I cried a lot when it's gone. The trauma lasted two years that I'm afraid of adopting new one. But later, time heals. 😊 We had a new dog in our home. 😊
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Did you get a chance to stand by her until the very end?
Yes, we were sitting on the floor with her at the vet through the whole process.
I'm very sorry. Nothing prepares you for it or softens the blow. Your experience played out much like ours, we had no idea it was going to happen until we were in the moment. I've come to believe dogs are higher beings, at the very least they're more pure than us. I believe they know when it's their time and they welcome the relief from their suffering. This, in no way, makes it any easier. Two days before Amstel left us or son was visiting and Amstel walked into the middle of the living room, and just stared at my wife and son until they agreed to go on a walk with us. He had never done this before. During that walk he was like a puppy, he barked and wanted to run like he did when he was young (only it was for about 5 feet instead of 5 blocks). Amstel just wanted one last walk with "his pack". The only thing that I've found to stop the hurting is to remember the good times, to imagine his spirit is still around, as long as I do this the void of him not being here is tolerable. Again, I'm sorry. I hope reading this didn't make you feel worse. They are such special souls.
Thanks. I think it would be so much easier if they could talk to you. Her mind seemed fine, but we could tell her body was failing and there was no telling how much pain she was in. We knew we were just being selfish possibly making her suffer for so long. But then you question yourself. Maybe she would have been fine for another year... Ugh. It's hard too because we have never been in this house without her. It seems so much bigger and empty now. This morning was really hard not going through the usual routine of giving her her pills and feeding her before we headed off to work.
I know, this is what we struggled with too. After we replayed it over and over about a thousand times in our heads we realized that it was the right thing to do. I've seen people who hang onto them longer than they should and it's so unfair to the animal because nature wouldn't allow for them to linger if they weren't domesticated. The void afterwards is the excruciating part. We got Amstel about a month after our first beagle passed and that really helped but, unfortunately, we couldn't do that this time. Originally our plan was to travel but then my wife got sick (I haven't shared anything about this online). Now we're in and out of the hospital and doctors' appointments so much it would be impossible to have a dog now. Hang in there. It's helped us to talk about our memories of Amstel. We still talk about him almost every day. When it's nice my wife and I go to the park and feed the squirrels, any contact with nature helps.
I believe it's when they stop fighting that they get that burst of energy. Our girl did the same, got up & bounced around like a puppy and had an amazing time at two beaches. She was gone the next week. I'm glad she got that last amazing day though!
That makes sense. Our beagle had been sick off-and-on for the last two years. He would have low points and then miraculously bounce back. This last time was different, he knew it and we did too.
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I’m so sorry. Love to you and your family.
Thank you!
I feel for you. There are no more words.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry!! * tears* - I could have written this post. Said goodbye to our Flow 1 month ago - she was 14 & a half too. I still haven't cleaned her slobber off the window. The carpet needs to be vacuumed less now as there's no fur - and it absolutely SUCKS!! You're right about it being worse than losing a person. I'm not sure why! It just hurts different right? Jovi is so beautiful! Flow got to taste sweet sweet chocolate also & that is a little comfort. Big loves from our Flow to your Jovi - hope they're having a blast up there!
Ah, yeah, I am so sorry. I just totally sucks. We still have her water bowl out, waiting for the water to evaporate before we clean it to donate. We've been sleeping with a couple of her blankets too. I don't miss having to clean up her messes every day, but I'd gladly do it if it meant having her back.
Would 100% do it again too! <3
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