Letter To Flo

Dear Flo,

I write this letter from a place of admiration. I admire your unwavering strength and courage. I just got to know you recently, it's been a couple of months now. I admit that when I first met you, there was no love lost. I felt you took up too much space but I finally found out that it was your way of being.

We grew from acquaintances to friends, though we didn't become friends from the purest of intentions. We became friends through the mutual dislike of another person. Eventually, you took me as someone you could confide in and you started telling me things you hadn't even told your mother.

You told me about how much you loved someone. You had been in a relationship with Anthony for three years. You told me it was lovely at first, until it became tumultuous. You were Anthony's backbone and support. You never asked from him but you kept giving and giving and yet, he got tired of your giving. You were stuck because you loved him.

You told me about how he had gotten you pregnant. Thankfully, he had taken responsibility for it, though he wasn't ready to be a father. So, he brought up the suggestion of abortion. You weren't ready to be a mother also and even if you were, you weren't ready for the stigma and trauma that would have come with it and so you decided to go with the suggestion.

You sourced for funds with him cause Anthony wasn't buoyant enough to carry the costs alone. You couldn't tell anyone about it because you were scared of judgment and so every night, you cried yourself to sleep. You wished you could tell your mother, she would know what to do but you were afraid of the look of pain and disappointment you would see in her eyes. You wanted to keep being a good daughter.

The day of your abortion came and Anthony took you to the hospital. Anthony tried to calm you down. He told you it wouldn't hurt so much but you looked at him with disgust. How would he know what it felt like? All he knew how to do was penetrate and release. Just then, you regretted not abstaining from sex or forcing him to use protection. You were so naive and you hated yourself for that.

The doctor led you to the operating room. Tears pooled in your eyes as you changed to the surgical gown. You were about to lose the first life you should have brought into the planet earth and this reality wasn't lost on you. You laid down on the bed, glaring at the fluorescent lights. You were dosed with anesthesia and soon black spots dotted your eyes before you sank into oblivion. Hours later, you woke up to blinding pain. It felt like your womb was on fire, like your whole body was burning. A nurse came in and helped you to clean up before helping you change into your clothing. Later, Anthony came in and he joined to lead you into the doctor's office where you were prescribed drugs and told not to do strenuous work for the next few weeks.

You were weak and numb, not feeling anything but when you got home, you had to gather strength and pretend nothing was wrong. You walked in with your head high and greeted your parents like it was just any usual day but when you got into your bedroom, you sank to the floor and wept silently. You wept so hard that at some point, the tears just stopped flowing.

The next two weeks was pain and torture. Blood became your constant companion and stupid Anthony didn't bother to check in with you. You avoided him like a plague. You lost weight and looked sick. Your mother kept asking what happened, but you told her it was malaria. She gave you money for it but you didn't use it to get drugs. You saved everything up including the money you earned as a sales girl. You knew something was wrong with you. The doctor hadn't fixed anything. Your womb still hurt and it felt heavy like there was a weight inside. The blood hadn't stopped gushing out.

You finally saved up enough to go to a better hospital. There, you were scanned and you found out that there was a dead fetus in your womb. The quack doctor from last time hadn't removed anything. He had just played around in your womb, extinguishing the small life inside. You were scheduled to come the next day to get it removed. You were also advised to bring a change of clothing. Tears dropped from your eyes again as you thought about the painful process you would have to go through again. You cursed Anthony in your head over and over and you faulted yourself for the terrible mistake you had made.

You went the next day and you got the dead fetus removed. It was the worst day of your life because after the anesthesia wore off, you were in excruciating pain. The doctor advised you to stay in the hospital for the next two days. He also told you that it was good you showed up when you did as you were already risking having a bad womb infection. You called your mum and told her you would be staying at a friend's place. You explained to her that a project from school had come up and you needed to figure it out for the next two days. She prayed for you. You wished she wasn't so oblivious to the pain you were going through, that she could just figure it out with her motherly instincts and help you through. But you knew deep down that it was better she didn't know. She would be so heartbroken.

After being admitted for two days and getting thorough medical care, you got better. The nurses on duty had been nice to you, buying you food and fruits. They had raised your spirits and they had told you that abortion wasn't the end of the world, some of them even sharing stories of their trauma. You left the hospital better and stronger. During that period, Anthony had no idea of what you had gone through. He probably thought you had needed your space from him and he had decided to give you that. You sailed through those troubling times alone and came back to school. When I saw you in school, I could see that you had been through hell but I had also been oblivious, thinking you had a serious bout of malaria.

Fast-forward to four months later, you were still with Anthony. I wondered why you stayed with him. I guess you were still deeply in love with him even after everything. But then, Anthony broke up with you and that was where everything came crashing down. He accused you of cheating on him but you knew it wasn't that. You would never cheat on him. You loved him too much. You knew he had gotten tired of you and he had been looking for an excuse to get rid of you. You pleaded with him but he stayed adamant on his decision. And that was when you knew grief. You cried and cried and cried and you couldn't be consoled. You had thought your traumatic experience would have bonded you both but it had not been so on his end. You felt he owed you his love. Later on, you started getting used to life without him. You still missed him sorely and sometimes, I caught you staring at pictures of him when you thought no one was looking.

It was during this period you told me everything about the abortion. I faulted Anthony for not being there, for not showing love as he should have ought to. For giving you space you didn't ask for. You told me you hated him for dumping you. I thought you were gradually getting over him. But what I would never understand is why you took him back when he came begging for your love again. I saw him coming back to beg you for forgiveness, I saw you forgiving him. But I didn't see you taking him back. I would never understand it. I won't judge you but I also wouldn't try to understand you either.

All I wish is that you are wiser now and you wouldn't repeat past mistakes. I hope you try to let go of all your hurt and hope for better things. I hope you are given the strength to keep moving forward. I hope joy is yours. I hope Anthony loves you better.

All my love,
Dera.