LOH Community Contest #289 ~ My Chaotic Mind
Feeling like you don't have enough time is often a sign that you're trying to ignore your own physical and mental limits. Are there any particular situations that make you feel like you're doing "too much" lately?
These days, I always wake up with migraine and sleep with migraine, I also suddenly developed insomnia and I am sure that if I decide to use the scale to check my weight, there would be a decrease in my size, even though I know that it is because of how I have increased my overthinking attitude, I just can not have a grip on my thought no matter how I try.
I mean, I am naturally an overthinker, everyone knows that about me, you know the kind where you do not stop thinking about an incident that probably happened weeks back, the type where you start thinking about a possible or better possible outcome of an incident if you had done something different, the type where you think about the pros and cons of an incident that had happened weeks back and how you wish it could happen again, so you could do something different, the part where you do not stop beating yourself about something that went wrong, that is who I am.
I could have a full-blown conversation with myself and in my head even before an incident happens or after it has happened, I could sit alone and envision something happening and if it happens how I could be of help and it is draining, I know I am physically, emotionally, and mentally drained but I do not know how to reduce the pressure on myself.
Few days from today I will be clicking a big age, and for so many reasons I have say myself down and pondered on my I am still where I am even at this age, I mean I had bigger plans for myself and for this age, I am currently going to be clocking, I am supposed to have attain something big and worthwhile but it just feels like I am still down there, like far from where I want to be at this age and far behind in the age.
I am happy that I am clocking that age, but the fact that I had my whole life planned and I had planned that before I get to this age, I am supposed to be at this level in my life, with stability and all of that, but in few days I would be there but I have nothing of such in life, i an truthfully anxious and wondering how I will get there now.
A lot has happened lately that has made me retreat from my normal free-spirited, happy self, maybe I am happy, but I do know that it is not wholeheartedly, it is not genuine, I do not want anyone knowing or asking about what is going on with me and the fact that talking about it leave me thinking more and hard, only gives me reason to retreat and leave it at the back of my mind for whenever I am free to be able to go back and rewind everything.
Sometimes or on some days when it becomes overwhelming, I wish I could switch off my mind and thoughts, but I guess that means being brain dead, which is not possible for someone living and healthy.
Nowadays I wish I could have that inner peace and happiness but it's hard to come by, because my brain is clouded and foggy with sadness that I can not describe, about the outcome of life, it doesn't mean I am not grateful, it just feels like I expected more for this age but here I am.
Deep down, I have a little flicker of hope that there is still more to come but my overthinking attitude keeps making me feel like I have wasted a lot of time, I am behind, and I do not have much time to be able to achieve all that I had mapped out, and this keeps me wavering from time to time, one minute I am standing on both legs with a strong solid assurance and it's going to be fine, and better sooner than I expect and the next minute, I am shaking with no atom of hope to hold on to, i just wish I have just a little and more solid conviction or maybe reassurance because I do need the break from everything, I need a clear cloud and a more brighter day, it would do a lot to give peace to my doubtful and chaotic mind.