It All Leads Back… (LOH #249)

Life is unpredictable. I keep saying that, keep telling myself that, and I’m only just realising that now, like I do every other day. I’m only realising that I will not ever know the future and I will always feel that fear, that slight anxiousness at not knowing what my day would be like tomorrow and I guess, that’s okay. We can’t know everything.

Trying to be focused on the present can be incredibly hard. Especially when you’re coming from a place where you used to have ultimate control. The place where you plan it all and then lose your shit when those things don’t go the way you planned.

You get impatient and then make very questionable decisions all because it needs to go as planned. Young and healthy I am, I learn to live one day at a time. I’m learning to take control, not of my days, but my thoughts because that is where true joy lies. It all starts from a declutterred mind. I have had to accept (as hard as it was) that I am doing well for someone my age. I have had to stop comparing myself with others especially their accomplishments because we are not the same. Our shoes aren’t the same size. This is what makes us different and what makes us beautiful in our own way.

Everyday, I keep telling myself that life isn’t a movie. I can’t fast forward or reverse. I can only live in the moment and take it one step at a time. I can only learn to live with my decisions (be it good or bad), learn from my mistakes and grow with the challenges. I can only enjoy the process. Decisions I’ll have to make aren’t life and death. They are decisions that when I do calm down and take a deep breath, I’ll find that it is not as big a problem as it seems.

If I could meet the fifteen-year-old me, I would tell her to calm down. She was in a rush. She was always running and never taking time to enjoy the life around her. Eighteen-year-old me was always buried in work. She needed to make money and lots of it. She did questionable things for it and she placed a very low value on her time and effort. Twenty-year-old me was always depressed because life wasn’t going the way it should. It was always bleak because there wasn’t enough money. She was already taking on things more than her age with little to no help from anyone, and she never felt it was enough or that she was worth applauding. She was a mess.

And now, this me. Who grew tired of always feeling tired and just wanted to enjoy the moment of every day. This me had to learn to let go of everything to gain new things. So, when it begins to seem like I’m drowning and it’s all overwhelming, I go back to my blueprint. That story was written from past actions and lessons learned from past mistakes. It always leads me back to one thing: As long as there’s life, there’s hope.