I (SOLELY) AM RESPONSIBLE.

The first lesson I learned in life is being accountable. Of course, it took so many bad decisions and feeling like shit after I made them to get to this realization. When I did, I felt peace, not the kind that just fades away the next day but that has remained until date. It is so easy to point fingers. So easy to be always right and never wrong. So easy to look at everyone as the problem, I guess this is why there is a saying that your only enemy is the one staring back at you when you look at the mirror.

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My favourite mantra has been, is and always will be, “I am responsible”. There are so many ways in which this phrase can be appropriated, to me however, these words means taking a step back to evaluate my actions. I learned this from one of my favourite authors. He proposed an exercise where when you feel that rage, that anger, that heat, instead of responding immediately, take a moment and say the words, “I am responsible”.

I tried this for the many times my patience was tested and here is what happened. When something does not go my way, my first port of call would be to look for who to blame. I could blame traffic. I could blame my mom for sending me on an errand at the dying minute. I could blame my friend for being late. I could even blame my uncle for the current hardship I face. However, I learned that mantra, and a time came when I felt that heat, the itch to say, “It is your fault”. Because it would make me feel better about myself and excuse my mediocrity. It is the perfect wall. However, it comes at a giant cost, which is my growth.

For the sake of growth, emotionally and mentally, I was ready to accept and take responsibility for my actions. It was never easy and is still hard to this day because I am human and I make mistakes. What I have come to find is that when I mutter those words to myself in the midst of that situation, there is an immediate effect. I do not know how to explain it. It is like my brain leaves defense mode and takes charge. My actions play before me like slow motion and somehow, I have a perfect vision. The words, “I am responsible”, has a very powerful influence just like, “I am sorry”.

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Personally, I would feel the storm cool and there is clarity. The headaches that seemed to come with my anger would just disappear. I would inhale and exhale, then retract my steps. Whenever I do this, I find there are things I could have done better, words I should have said softer. I find loopholes and while it may not be totally my fault, I could have handled it better. On very rare occasions these days do I let my anger known. When I do, I always regret it.

Which is why, I say this mantra every day. It lives rent free in my head. I could just be pondering on a certain thing I did and wonder, “Was I right? What could I have done better?” Conversations I had with people, I am looking back, playing every word again, and my brain actively picks them apart. Moments I got too passionate, moments I said what I should not have, moments I tried to belittle someone. All this happen within a moment and I always learn something new. I learn something new about myself and about the world at large. I am forever grateful for Brian Tracy, who taught me through his books to be myself and be better too.

This is my entry to the Hive Naija Weekly Prompt | Edition 64 in the Hive Naija Community.