SECRET N °° 360 The Great War of the Chairs chapter 2


ENG


Chapter 2: The Straw Spikes

At sunrise, the Woven Glade shimmers with golden reflections. This is where the Straw Chairs have made their camp. As far as the eye can see, rows of wicker chairs, garden stools, and rattan armchairs rustle softly in the breeze like a living wheat field.

At the center of this bustling sea of straw reigns Coussin-de-Paille, their supreme leader. He is broad, imposing, his finely woven strands forming intricate patterns reinforced with colorful bindings. At his feet, a squad of young Bistro Chairs fidgets excitedly, their rounded backs trembling with anticipation.

Coussin-de-Paille rises upon his platform of compressed hay bales, and all murmurs cease. Only the wind hums through the fibers.

Coussin-de-Paille (in a honeyed yet firm voice):
"Strands upon strands, my supple seats! Do you know why we are gathered here, in this dew-blessed glade?"

A murmur of "No, Chief!" slithers from chair to chair. Coussin-de-Paille theatrically flicks away a stray strand that had fallen on his armrest.

Coussin-de-Paille:
"Because out there—beyond the deadwood and the arrogant forests—those pretentious planks believe themselves more comfortable than us. They call us weak. Fragile. They call us… seat-prickers!**"

A half-frayed lounge chair groans in shame. Garden stools bounce in place. Indignation is woven into every fiber.

Fauteuil-Flétri, an old, shriveled rattan armchair, speaks up in a crackling voice:
"And what if… what if we tried to show our softness another way? With a little seating test? A fair cushion comparison?"

A ripple of confusion runs through the assembly. Coussin-de-Paille raises a threatening strand toward Fauteuil-Flétri:

Coussin-de-Paille:
"Old backrest, your rattan creaks more than it reasons! Softness is proven by strength! We will show them that Straw can be sharp… and cutting!"

Tabouret-Paillasson, young and fiery, leaps up:
"Yes! Catapult our cushions! Slash their frames! Let them bend beneath our honed strands!"

Coussin-de-Paille:
"That’s the spirit, my little weave!"

At his signal, squads of Wicker Chairs unravel long reed ropes, stretching them between tree trunks to form giant slingshots. The boldest braid stiffened straw into swords—tiny fiber spears that sting like a thousand needles.

At the back of the camp, a small workshop buzzes: chair backs are stuffed with brambles, strands are dipped in sticky sap to harden their tips. A few Bar Stools improvise a war chant:

"Weave, weave, rebel strands,
We’ll prick the deadly woodlands!"

Amid the frenzy, Fauteuil-Flétri sighs and turns to a frail but attentive Garden Chair:

Fauteuil-Flétri (softly):
"One day, all this will be covered by a cushion. One day, they’ll understand it’s not the strand nor the wood that matters… but the softness."

The Garden Chair nods its backrest, a little dreamy. But already, Coussin-de-Paille proclaims:

Coussin-de-Paille:
"At dawn tomorrow, we march upon the Ancient Wood! Let our strands rise, let our points aim true! For Straw! For Supreme Comfort!"

A thunder of crackling straw, snapping strands, and war chants echoes under the pink morning sky. The Straw Chairs prepare. Their flexibility shall become a weapon, their prickliness a badge of pride.

In a corner, Fauteuil-Flétri closes his eyes. Deep down, he already knows this will all end with a cushion. But hush… that’s for later.


FR


Chapitre 2 : Les Piques de Paille

Au lever du soleil, la Clairière Tressée s’illumine de reflets dorés. C’est ici que les Chaises en Paille tiennent leur camp. À perte de vue, on voit des rangées de chaises cannées, de tabourets de jardin, de fauteuils de rotin qui bruissent doucement dans la brise comme un champ de blé vivant.

Au centre de ce fourmillement de brins, trône Coussin-de-Paille, leur chef suprême. Il est large, imposant, sa paille finement tressée en motifs complexes, renforcée de liens colorés. À ses pieds, une escouade de jeunes Chaises de Bistrot s’agite, leurs dossiers ronds tremblotants sous l’excitation.

Coussin-de-Paille se lève sur sa plateforme de bottes de foin compressées et tous les murmures cessent. Seul le vent fredonne dans les fibres.

Coussin-de-Paille (voix mielleuse mais ferme) :
« Brins et brins, mes souples assises ! Savez-vous pourquoi nous sommes ici, dans cette clairière bénie de rosée ? »

Un murmure de « Non chef ! » serpente de chaise en chaise. Coussin-de-Paille écarte théâtralement un brin rebelle tombé sur son accoudoir.

Coussin-de-Paille :
« Parce que là-bas, au-delà du bois mort et des forêts arrogantes, ces planches prétentieuses se croient plus confortables que nous. Ils nous traitent de faibles. De fragiles. De… pique-fesses! »

Une chaise longue à moitié effilochée gémit de honte. Des Tabourets de Jardin bondissent sur place. L’indignation est tressée dans chaque fibre.

Fauteuil-Flétri, un vieux fauteuil en rotin tout racorni, prend la parole, la voix crépitante :
« Et si… si nous essayions de montrer notre douceur autrement ? Avec un petit test d’assise ? Un comparatif à coussin égal ? »

Un frisson d’incompréhension parcourt l’assemblée. Coussin-de-Paille lève un brin menaçant vers Fauteuil-Flétri :

Coussin-de-Paille :
« Mon vieux dossier, ton rotin craque plus qu’il ne raisonne. La douceur se prouve par la force ! Nous leur montrerons que la Paille peut être piquante… et tranchante ! »

Tabouret-Paillasson, jeune et fougueux, bondit :
« Oui ! Catapultons nos coussins ! Lacérons leurs dossiers ! Qu’ils se courbent sous nos brins affûtés ! »

Coussin-de-Paille :
« Voilà l’esprit, mon petit tressé ! »

À son signal, des escouades de Chaises Canées déroulent de longues cordes de jonc, qu’elles tendent entre les troncs pour en faire des frondes géantes. Les plus téméraires tressent des épées de paille raidie, de minuscules hampes de fibres qui piquent comme mille aiguilles.

Au fond du camp, un petit atelier s’active : on rembourre les dossiers de ronces, on trempe des brins dans la sève collante pour solidifier les pointes. Quelques Tabourets de Bar improvisent un chant martial :

« Tressez, tressez, brins rebelles,
Nous piquerons le bois mortel ! »

Au cœur de l’agitation, Fauteuil-Flétri soupire et s’adresse à une Chaise de Jardin, toute frêle mais attentive :

Fauteuil-Flétri (voix basse) :
« Un jour, tout ça sera recouvert d’un coussin. Un jour, on comprendra que c’est pas le brin ni le bois qui compte… mais le moelleux. »

La Chaise de Jardin hoche son dossier, un brin rêveuse. Mais déjà Coussin-de-Paille clame :

Coussin-de-Paille :
« À l’aube prochaine, nous marcherons vers le Bois Centenaire ! Que nos brins se dressent, que nos pointes se tendent ! Pour la Paille ! Pour le Confort Suprême ! »

Un tonnerre de crépitements de paille, de brins qui claquent et de chants de guerre résonne sous le ciel rose du matin. Les Chaises en Paille se préparent. Leur souplesse deviendra arme, leur piquant deviendra fierté.

Dans un coin, Fauteuil-Flétri ferme les yeux. Il sent déjà qu’au fond, tout cela finira par un coussin. Mais chut… c’est pour plus tard.


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