SECRET N° 368 Spectral Express


🇬🇧 ENG VERSION


No one really knows who first had the idea to found Spectre Express, the world’s first ultra-fast delivery service to the afterlife. Officially, it was meant to “reconnect the living with the dearly departed” by letting restless souls receive packages from the other side. Unofficially, it was mostly a genius marketing stunt to reroute all the parcels lost by the regular post office.

Everything might have gone smoothly if Rémi, the intern, hadn’t had the IQ of an empty mailbox. Rémi’s only job was to sort packages before they passed through the Trans-Dimensional Portal (basically, an old fridge door painted purple). But Rémi mixed up everything. His very first mistake? He accidentally shipped the boss’s four-cheese pizza lunch order straight to the town cemetery.

When the first ghost got this pizza, he was confused at first — then ecstatic. No more nibbling on mist and wailing near headstones! Soon, the entire graveyard was clamoring for a slice. Thinking he was doing a great job, Rémi started sending whatever he could find: a box of rubber ducks, a string of fairy lights, a vintage toaster, three kilos of popcorn, even a Sudoku book.

Within days, the spectral realm turned into a ghostly carnival. Restless spirits drifted around clutching squeaky ducks under their arms, fairy lights flickering between crypts. At night, mournful quack-quacks echoed through the graveyard. Once-solemn ghosts now pelted each other with popcorn in midnight snack fights between tombstones.

Chaos peaked when Rémi accidentally shipped out a pink vibrator (which his coworker Margot had ordered for… personal reasons nobody wanted to discuss). Legend says the ghost of Count Von Glavius used it as a scepter to declare the first Festive Republic of the Free Spirits.

Spectre Express’s CEO, Mr. Brémard, tried to save face with a press conference, claiming the delivery of “non-essential goods” was no accident but a “cultural enrichment initiative for the afterlife.” Unfortunately, mid-speech, Rémi pressed the wrong button and opened the Trans-Dimensional Portal right behind him. Result: a tidal wave of inflatable ducks spilled onto the live TV set.

The living had no idea what to think. Some folks showed up at Spectre Express drop-off points with packages “for Grandma” — knitted sweaters, cookies, old gossip magazines. Others tried to send secret messages to the beyond: unsent love letters, botched wills, confessions of stolen garden gnomes. Rémi, true to form, kept mixing up the labels: rumor has it he once shipped an entire crate of frozen French fries to a coven of vegetarian vampires. Now and then, people swear they see a ghost nibbling fries and sipping a milkshake by the old cemetery gates.

To stop things from spiraling out of control, Mr. Brémard announced a new rule: every package must be approved by a “Mediator Between Worlds.” Naturally, Rémi was promoted to this vital role. Bad move: his first “approved” shipment was a giant trampoline for the ghosts at the old seaside graveyard. Now the townsfolk sometimes spot spirits bouncing gleefully over gravestones under the full moon, cackling with delight between eerie chants.

Today, Spectre Express is a global sensation. They ship more plush toys than funeral wreaths, more pizzas than lilies. Some even say the ghosts are too busy playing with their ducks and toasters to bother haunting the living anymore.

And Rémi? He still wears the same vacant grin and the same sticker on his forehead: “Intern of the Month… of the Afterlife.” Rumor has it he’s hiding one last secret box behind the Portal, filled with something so ridiculous it might blow up the whole border between the living and the dead. But hush — that’s for the next delivery.

THE END


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🇫🇷 VERSION FR


Personne ne sait vraiment qui a eu l’idée de fonder Spectre Express, la première société de livraison ultra-rapide vers le monde des morts. Officiellement, c’était pour « réconcilier les vivants et les trépassés » en permettant aux âmes errantes de recevoir des colis depuis l’autre côté. Officieusement, c’était surtout un énorme coup marketing pour détourner les colis perdus du service postal normal.

Tout aurait pu bien se passer si Rémi, le stagiaire, n’avait pas eu le QI d’une boîte aux lettres vide. Rémi était censé trier les colis avant qu’ils passent dans le Portail Trans-Dimensionnel (une grosse porte de frigo retapée et peinte en violet). Mais voilà : Rémi confondait tout. Sa toute première erreur ? Une pizza quatre fromages, commandée par le patron pour le déjeuner, expédiée par mégarde au cimetière central.

Quand le premier fantôme reçut cette pizza, il fut d’abord interloqué. Puis euphorique. Plus besoin de grignoter de la brume et de chouiner près des pierres tombales ! Bientôt, toute la nécropole réclamait sa part. Rémi, pensant bien faire, commença à envoyer tout ce qui lui tombait sous la main : une boîte de canards en plastique, un lot de guirlandes lumineuses, un grille-pain vintage, trois kilos de pop-corn, et même un livre de Sudoku.

En quelques jours, le monde spectral se transforma en véritable foire fantomatique. Les revenants flottaient partout, canards en plastique coincés sous le bras, guirlandes clignotant entre deux mausolées. La nuit, on entendait des coin-coin lugubres résonner dans les couloirs du cimetière. Certains fantômes, jadis solennels et dépressifs, se livraient désormais à des batailles de pop-corn entre tombes.

Le chaos atteignit son apogée quand Rémi expédia par accident un vieux vibromasseur rose (sa collègue Margot l’avait commandé pour des raisons personnelles dont personne ne voulait trop savoir). La légende raconte que le fantôme du comte Von Glavius l’utilisa comme sceptre pour proclamer la première République Festive des Esprits Libres.

Le PDG de Spectre Express, Monsieur Brémard, tenta bien de rattraper la situation. Il organisa une conférence de presse où il expliqua que la livraison « d’objets non-essentiels » n’était pas une erreur mais une « expérience d’enrichissement culturel post-mortem ». Malheureusement, pendant son discours, Rémi appuya sur le mauvais bouton et ouvrit le Portail Trans-Dimensionnel derrière lui. Résultat : une avalanche de canards gonflables se déversa sur le plateau TV en direct.

Les vivants, eux, ne savaient plus quoi penser. Certains venaient déposer des paquets « pour Mamie » : pulls en laine, petits gâteaux, vieux magazines. D’autres tentaient d’envoyer des messages secrets au-delà : lettres d’amour jamais lues, testaments mal rédigés. Rémi, lui, continuait de confondre les étiquettes : on raconte qu’un jour, il a expédié tout un stock de frites surgelées à un club de vampires végétariens. Depuis, on aperçoit parfois, entre deux brumes, un spectre sirotant un milkshake et grignotant des frites avec passion.

Pour éviter que tout parte totalement en vrille, Monsieur Brémard décida d’instaurer une règle : chaque colis devait être vérifié par un « Médiateur Entre Deux Mondes ». Rémi fut évidemment promu à ce poste. Mauvaise idée : son premier contrôle consista à autoriser l’envoi d’un trampoline géant aux esprits du vieux cimetière maritime. On vit alors des fantômes s’envoler joyeusement au-dessus des tombes, rebondissant au clair de lune, hurlant de joie entre deux incantations funèbres.

Aujourd’hui, Spectre Express est devenu un phénomène mondial. On y envoie plus de peluches que de couronnes funéraires, plus de pizzas que de chrysanthèmes. Certains prétendent même que les fantômes, trop occupés à jouer avec leurs canards et leurs grille-pain, ne veulent plus hanter personne.

Et Rémi, lui, a toujours le même sourire béat et la même étiquette collée sur le front : « Stagiaire du mois… de l’au-delà ». On dit qu’il garde un dernier carton secret, planqué derrière le Portail, avec un contenu si absurde qu’il pourrait faire exploser la frontière entre vivants et morts. Mais chut : ça, c’est pour la prochaine livraison.

FIN

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32 comments

I love how Rémi, with his clumsiness, ended up completely revolutionizing the spectral world.
The pink vibrator as a scepter and the ghosts jumping on trampolines is just great.

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