When reality hits (a poem)

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The smell of white roses awakens me
The reality hits like howls of alien sounds
I am blind and there is so much to see
it moves and it growls like hell hounds

What if I lose myself in the horrific truth?
What if the lesson is too difficult, forcing me to go down?
winning was much more easy in my youth
having courage happened only in the first time around

I want to see, I want to hear, I am here
I want to look, I want to listen, I am near

I laugh hysterically at the sentimental babbles
in the distance there I see the naked truth
repetition is part of life, to know it, is how you win at this battle
mistakes, more mistakes, which one to choose?

I sleep in this death-like awareness
I see the mirror of myself in the darkness
How can I see the beauty in this unfairness?
cutting the pieces of my soul with its sharpness

I desire to see, I desire to hear, I am here
I desire to look, I desire to listen, I am near

nobody is there with me, against myself I commit a crime
its dark, I am lost, I will be brave next time

this poem is about the realization of the repetition of mistakes, The speaker knows that she is stuck and she is making the mistake over and over again but she doesn't know how to break this cycle or maybe she knows but she chooses to not act on the truth she found out questioning suffering in the first place