The "Waiting" Game
A person came to visit me yesterday. Before she came, she had already called me in the morning that she was going to come by after church. I reluctantly picked up the phone in the morning. apparently I didn't want to pick up the phone, I didn't have the vigor, but then, it wouldn't be nice, she had always been a good person to me, but sometimes having people around reminds me of everything I've lost, and when they're gone it's always difficult for me to balance my mood.
Sometimes, I just want to remain in my cocoon, not being inclined to get back into the world. My way of seeing the world is now flawed, or maybe I'm just seeing what reality is, away from its shell and all that ignorance, or maybe not. However, I just find it more comfortable to exist in my own mind.
The previous day which was Saturday wasn't really a good one, I spent the day half reflective and half conscious of my immediate environment. Nevertheless, I picked up the phone and answered the door. After she left, I went back to my pensive state, stuck in endless imagination and deep into my fears and anxiety again.
Some days I wake up okay, some days I just wake up generally uncertain, unsure of everything, and basically tired. I wake up with sapped energy, not knowing whether it's the medical conditions or just my mind generally tired of everything. A lot has happened, but I just don't want to talk about them anymore.
While ranting lets you blow off steam and makes you feel better sometimes it just makes you a wailer, screaming about doom and gloom that feels strange to anyone out there. Talking about pain is not communicative, it's just a language that's solely understood by you, and when you begin to talk about things you can only understand, mentally your communicative process becomes flawed.
Choosing to keep it all in is not about showing strength, it's about truly understanding that you're speaking without being understood, without reaching any audience, or without completing any communicative process. As humans, we generally rely on feedback and when one's ranting is starved of feedback, whether they feel better or not, they'll have just ranted for nothing. It's a coping mechanism, true.
However, some of the advanced stages of pain are silence: staying back and being reflective, listening, watching, doing nothing, and not being active no matter what. It's not easy, sometimes I seek quick fixes to resolve my immediate issues, but it's Painful that I just have to watch and wait without truly knowing what to do.
Of course, I take time to do a few things, but I know I've lost that flair, that instinct to see life as a beautiful journey filled with challenges, laughter, and bliss. I can't seem to see life in a different light anymore. For me, it has become a "waiting" game. One thing about grief is that you can't wait it out. While you still need to wait it out, the time and process become too long the moment you cannot find closure, it becomes an enduring game. I've been making efforts, but I've found it difficult to still get my head back into life.
I've tried various approaches and still no way. My recent health escapades have taken time and resources and yet it still remains inconclusive, everything I've done to get some relief hasn't worked, and having these multiple uncertain mostly keeps me up at night. On the bright side...... (is there a bright side?)
These feelings fluctuate. If I can establish a 50/50 emotional stability, then it'll be good for balance. Right now, I find it hard to maintain some good moments, but I already know it's a waiting game, time will take its course, and imagining the "time" is torture on its own.
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Man, I understand that things might be different as you’re older, but I think you should go out more and meet more new people.
In my city, there are a number of fun youth groups that organize discussions and fun events every month for people to socialize. It was great for me when I was having a hard time last year about that thing I talked to you about. Maybe you could find groups like that in Lagos? It’s a nice distraction, and with time, it turns into something you genuinely enjoy doing and looking forward to. Hive it a try.
It's just.. I have a burden, and it's not letting me become associative. It's not who I used to. A lot is happening and being overwhelmed by it all saps the energy out of me. I'm still in the midst of trying to do the best I can for my health and just losing everything around me makes it difficult to just continue. I'm a very social person, at least I was. It's not just happening anymore.
hmm I understand you. But still, keep trying, man. Things will change with time.
True, what can I say, one's designed to to go again. Have another go at life, again and again and again
Staying in your cocoon for long might endanger a lot of things for you. You should move out, interact with people or stay somewhere interesting like a garden park, nature etc. Just for you to leave your home without doing anything as that could make you keep being in the 'waiting game' as you said for long.
Yeah, I understand your perspective, and thank you. Makes sense and I appreciate too.
Life is a waiting game. Though we do things we don't know when it'll be our turn. We don't know when either the positive or negative side will hit us.
However, life is worth living. It is not easy, and pain isn't just something that goes a way. It takes a lot of steps, reflection, boredom of truly living anymore, and others.
Life is unfair, and I am deeply sorry you are going through this unfairness. However, you have people around. Friends who want you back, and I know it is kind of frustrating sometimes. You just want to be alone and brood. And I get it. Take your time, though the presence of time can be torturous, and it is sad. However, I know our God is faithful, and He sees you. He won't leave you.
Yes, it's worth living, the mindset works best when one's wired to normalcy and things are going well. I'm a great advocate of good living and life itself in general, yet, there's only so much the human mind and body can take irrespective of the initial strength and capacity.
Yes, there's a limit to what we can take, and that's when it gets frustrating. I hope time heals you. Tha ks for sharing your thoughts.
That feelings come when one feels they deserve more than life is offering at the moment, it happens to most people, but we can't keep ourselves down and away from the good things life still has to offer just because of the once we lost in the past.
There is always a bright side, hear that others are going through and you will understand that there is always a reason to lighten up, go out there, have fun and forget about your struggles... Life no had my brother 😁
I hope that, over time, you start to find a way to enjoy life (a little) more, once again. Keep breathing
and no matter how hard, try to be grateful for the things that you do have.
Sending a hug.
Thank you too, well I hope so too, I'm generally hopefully irrespective of everything, because I just think it's a choice one can choose to have
You need to learn the secret of appreciating what is rather than sink into the worries of what isn't. Over thing and depression has a huge health effect.
I hear you, it's hard to participate in life when you feel like the end may be coming. I've been that way too at times. I'm forcing myself to socialize more even if I don't want to, and it does help to keep my mind off of the problems. Pain is a tough thing to beat, with the arthritis I have from the COVID vaccine it hurts pretty much anytime I move even with pain killer. On bad days I try not to do too much! The situation just plain sucks...
At least having Hive to express yourself is healthy. I've been piling up HSBI shares and at time I question why since I may not be around. But it helps me look at things more positively I suppose. In the end all we can do is move forward the best we can. It's tough not having family support, but you do have friends. I don't like drop by visits from church people that much so I get you there completely!
5 months ago, I just moved into my new rented apartment, elated about life and elated about prospects, then suddenly things happened, lost my brother and all that diagnosis. It still feel unreal because I can't believe everything was good 5 months ago. I think that's where the pain lies. Not knowing how things can just change in 5 months.
It's not like I don't want to be participative. I just feel I can't, really. I do not see the endgame, or maybe it's generally not having the right people (used to think I did) or maybe just one loss and you truly feel the sting of being the only one.
However, in all my fright, I'm still hopeful.
I've changed the course of my life, accepting a new challenge, choosing heavenly, and God-like way of life, I find peace in it.
Funny how your view on life can change so quickly. I was the same, one day I was fine and the next I was living on borrowed time... Finding peace with it is important, but hopefully you have a lot longer run ahead of you. You never know!
Life is usually better when we fluctuate from the good to the bad and vice versa. But when we only fluctuate within the bad, it becomes really hard to have that drive to do or achieve something. Or even see the positive or bright side of life. I think the waiting season can be painfully exhausting or draining but it's good to remember that it's a temporary state, not a permanent one. Things will change eventually, and for the better :)
You're right. Well this state isn't looking temporal, it's been happening for many years, but losing people just becomes the worst of it all and the last thing I actually wanted. But, I have hope despite everything
Right. Losing people worsens the state and makes it more unbearable. But I'm glad you have hope despite everything because hope can be a powerful feeling that always keeps us going.
The down moments can really extend for long, a lot longer that many people can accomodate.
Keep the positive outlook Jose. Life is indeed beautiful. The ups and downs make our individuals stories a lot richer
I'm probably not seeing the beautiful aspect, maybe I used to, maybe not anymore.
!discovery 20
Thank you
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It sucks but I do agree that there are times when you just want to be left alone, but I hope you get better soon. I don't know if it will help but finding something to keep you busy might be a good idea. It could be with other people or games. Stay safe and I hope you feel better soon.
Staying alone is not something I always treasured, liked or wanted, it's just a phase where I'm trying to interprete what I'm currently going through. But you're right, sometimes it just feels like it's better to be left alone.