The Drawing Board: Seeking For Clarity

One of the ways I try to cope with pain is trying to believe or create the imagination that someone out there might be going through something similar or even worse. Sometimes it works, some other times it doesn't. The times it worked, I have gotten my act together and it has helped maintain my sanity.

However, anytime I'm reminded of my loss either by seeing things I wish I could have or by coming to terms that my loss is more devastating than I try to downplay it, it creates this fresh illusion of reality, thus, reminding me of my present state.

My aunt has tried this mechanism on me. Recently she's been telling me of people who have survived outrageous losses and how they've coped.

Inasmuch as her intentions are good, I still cannot imagine how we lost my only brother in her care. Part of me tries to blame her, and also I sometimes try to share that blame. I kind of feel that we could have done better to save him. I might probably carry this burden of guilt for the rest of my life. I don't mind. Sometimes I wish I had done better, but I'm mostly caught up with trying to take care of my life.

That burden kept me extra busy and that was because I was trying to stay well, just to achieve a future where I could better my life and simultaneously better his life.

He was just beginning to grasp the concept of life and trying to figure out what to do. I admit that he was a bit extravagant and not really mindful of himself. I was just trying to help him see life more constructively, but he had a mind of his own and wasn't ready to go that structural path. He had a lot of things that he needed to fix in his life, I just felt that time and age would get him to be more responsible. Of course, he didn't make it.

He couldn't figure out his life and wasn't ready to follow through on advice. The relationship we had wasn't rosy as I was always disagreeing with his choices. I did not doubt that he might have turned out better, but I just felt if he had been more cognizant of himself then maybe.....just maybe everything might have been different today.

Irrespective of everything, he could have been here, and I still can't let go. Maybe it's because he was the only direct kin I had. However it is, it's been a devastating period for me and no mechanism for coping with loss has worked.

My aunt's attempts were terrible even if they came from a good place.

I felt she could have made better choices for him because she was a medical personnel and he was under her care. But she was probably the only thing he had close to a mother. Just like me, we both left home at tender ages, never experiencing the joy of having a nuclear family to call our home. We mostly ran from what was our family, because of the violence and discoordination.

I wouldn't really blame him for the mishap. This is why I think I'll do better for myself when I have kids.

Losing makes you go back to the drawing board

You begin to check the fundamentals and begin to wonder where it all went wrong. I'm in this place where I'm beginning to imagine where it all went wrong, trying to see if I can get it right, or make it right for the sake of my mental health and wellness. However, I guess I'm always going to come back without answers. I'll try to take the best steps in my life and make the best decision for myself. It's all gone now, but I can't help apportioning blame. It's man's response to regret.

When things go wrong, we all crave justification

and sometimes justice, but life isn't our own to decide what happens or what shouldn't happen in the grand scheme of things. There's no justification and life mostly doesn't have answers, especially when the bad things that happen to us are not logical whatsoever.

I don't think there's any logic to what has happened to me in the past 16 months, and this is where it hurts the most. However, I'll just have to accept life and this new reality. It's been almost impossible, and it's been difficult, but asking questions never comes with any answers, so I'll learn not to ask again, as this brings more frustration rather than clarity.

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