Fabric of life

Sunday, 2nd of July 2023 [76]

It’s been a week since my last post on this main account. My writing mojo is pretty much non existing at the moment. But hey, laying on the sofa and worrying about the future and well as regretting the past won’t earn me any new hive! I need to get writing!

Do you guys loose your writing mojo at times? What do you do to get it back when it happens?

I try to read. Especially savings reports of other people. They remind me that I too can achieve my goals, but first I need to find it in me to write.

I know that once I start, it usually flows. Just that first step is needed. Picking up the phone, uploading pictures to illustrate my story and get writing.

Today is the last day of this week’s #pobphotocontest by @friendlymoose and the subject is FABRIC. Not sure why but ‘Favric of life’ is all that’s been rumbling through my head ever since I saw the topic.

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How does one capture the fabric of life on the picture though? The emotions, the ups and downs, the happiness, the fear and the sadness?

I honestly had no idea how, so instead I captured the moment of life that I experienced last Friday. It was my friend’s birthday party and we talked about it for weeks, but when Friday came, another wave of anxiety came too and suddenly I didn’t want to go.

Last Sunday I was at her place, helping her decorate the place for the party, with those psychadelic coloured fabrics and getting excited about the party and then this 🤷🏻‍♀️

I always loved a good party. I’m really unsure when the change creeped up on me and I started feeling anxious about going to a party and conversing with people.

They used to make me happy. I loved a drink too! But these days 3 bottles of red wine are waiting for me in the kitchen for the day when I feel like drinking and that day almost never comes. Maybe cause drinking alone feels sad. But then drinking with other people didn’t feel any better either.

When did this happen and why?

Lost interest in drinking is not a bad thing, but if it comes together with avoiding people and isolating myself at home on my sofa then that’s not so good either.

I called another friend of mine and shared with her how I feel about going to the party. She felt very much the same. Tired and not really up for anything.

Somehow talking to each other helped both of us to motivate each other and get off our sofas to attend the party. We were both glad we did, cause once we arrived at the party, the upbeat music and happy faces made both of us feel better and for a few hours we were dancing and socialising with a bunch of mainly strangers.

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I guess that’s the fabric of life right here. Some days we are happy and buzzing around, other days we need another soul to bounce off to motivate ourselves to do something that can possibly bring a smile to our faces.

Like the out of focus picture. Surely not a great one for the contest, but it makes me smile, cause I was trying to capture the amazing fabric, when a friendly soul sat by my site and moved my hand accidentally and that was a result of it.

Then another friendly soul asked:

‘Don’t you feel like the music is speaking to you and telling you how to feel? You’re not alone it says now and you’re not. We all have our issues and regrets. We’ve all made mistakes. But we’re not alone in that. We’re all human. And what is a mistake anyway?’

Seriously, I barely know the guy. He doesn’t know my story. But we’re all human indeed and it’s so easy to indulge in our problems and feel like we’re all alone in this, while every single person here is also struggling with one thing or another.

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Does it make me feel any better though? Not really. I look at people around me and often ask in my head ‘How are YOU dealing with your circumstances?’. What makes you wanna get up from bed in the morning?

For most people it’s family, goals, partners. And if they’re not coping it’s alkohol, drugs, antidepressants. The amount of people I talk to that are on antidepressants is staggerring. How did we get to this point?

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Me? I seem to have lost my drive and sadly work is the only thing that gets me up from bed 4 out of 7 days in a week. The long weekends that I was so excited about when I first started this job are now dragging and I find it hard to get excited about anything.

Yet I still refuse asking my doctor for a pill that will make it all go away. I try to exercise more. I try new supplements to help with anxiety and I try to force myself out of my 4 (or more) walls and see other people. Prescription meds can wait. First I want to try all other options, despite how hard it gets at times.

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How about you, my reader? Do you ever struggle with anxiety and general lack of direction in life? How are you coping? What are your ways to deal with anxiety? Let me know in the comments!

Camera:	iPhone11
Photographer:	@fantagira