Let's Write Together- Colt Winchester

This was a fun one and a nice change of pace from the other events.
Can't wait to see what we are going to do on the next one. 😉

!PIZZA

I had alot of Fun today. Story came out awesome, looking forward to the next episode😃

Oh, man, I'm bummed that I missed this last night. I clonked out early. sigh This is a great start to a story I hope is continued in next week's Write-together. Going to definitely make that one!

!PIZZA

Dont make him call Leprechaun!

very nice! lets go pizza clan :D

!pizza
!hivebits

The following feedback is an example of a ‘Red Pen’ style edit with ‘Medium Spice.’. These on-chain editing services are available to Scholar & Scribe members for a discounted amount of SCHOLAR, SWAP.HBD or HBD.

This piece was done free of charge to help develop a portfolio of examples. Normally, this would cost: 75 SCHOLAR or 7.5 HBD (cost band for a 1,501–2,000 word piece).

As this piece is a crowdsourced freewrite, I didn’t expect to arc like a short story, or be all that polished (or make much sense 😉).

Original text is preserved in the quote format. Notes and suggestions appear after each section. The “rewrite” is a little tough to do outside of a word processing program, so I mostly provide direction on where to rewrite.

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I looked around the room groggily. I seemed to be in some kind of ward. There was a beeping machine next to me. For some reason that made me worried. I moved and felt a sharp pain in my arm. Looking down I was confused to find tubes running up to the beeping machine. What the hell happened?

Nice short sentences paint the energy of the scene well. Issues: adverb in the first sentence is a weak start: suggest replacing “groggily” with something that shows grogginess. Cut “For some reason”—this is almost always ‘stage direction’ from the Writer. Characters don’t question their gut reactions in real-time, they just have them.

Cut and tighten filter words in this part: “I felt a sharp pain in my arm. I was confused to find tubes running up to the beeping machine. What the hell happened?”

Suggestion: “A digging, stabbing pain raced through my arm. There was a mass of jumbled tubes plugged into a beeping machine, plugged into—me? What the hell happened?”

I lay there considering things for a moment, then a woman in a nurses uniform came into the room. She peered at the machine for a second, then greeted me in an odd way.

"Mr. Winchester? Colt Winchester?" The name didn't sound familiar to me. Why would she call me that? I'm.... Fuck what is my name....

Cut all this: “I lay there considering things for a moment, then”—doesn’t really add anything important to the story.

Cut: “greeted me in an odd way.” If it’s actually odd, Show, don’t tell. I think the oddness is that the protag doesn’t recognize the name being said. This is shown during the exchange, so this ‘tell’ line is clutter and not needed.

Formatting: new para break after dialogue helps with flow. Missed possessive apostrophe.

Ellipses have three dots vs four.

The woman was talking again, I tuned her out as I considered my missing name and tried to make sense of the situation. I couldn't remember anything since.... since they told me to be ready to move some cash. The boss wanted to be prepared for a huge increase in our "laundry" operations. It seems like that was a while ago and I'm not sure what happened in between. My name though... What the hell is my name?

Cut: “considered my missing name and” (this confusion is shown at the end of this para). Fix ellipses. ‘Seems’ should be “seemed.” Normally I’d take issue with the passive voice at the opening of the paragraph, but in this case it works as the nurse is certainly not the protag’s focus.

The nurse was busy pulling the tubes and needles from my arm, I focused on her badge for a second. It read "Karen."

"Nice haircut Karen. Tell me... why did you call me that?"

Suggest replacing “busy” with “now.”

Rewrite here cuts out filler statements: The nurse was now pulling the tubes and needles from my arm. Her badge read: Karen

Add speech tag (I said) to dialogue. Suggest replacing “that” in dialogue with “Colt” (or some other reference to the name. It happened long enough ago in the prose that a small reminder is helpful).

"You've been out for a while Mr. Winchester. It's not surprising you are confused. Colt Winchester is your name. At least. It's the name written on the ID you were carrying in your wallet. That was your wallet right?" She seemed to be looking at me curiously.

Add speech tag after first sentence (she said). Comma after “At least,”

Re: She seemed to be looking at me curiously. — Show don’t tell, especially not with an adverb. A simple eyebrow arch would do here.

"Why wouldn't it be my wallet Karen? Let me see!" If she had my ID why would she be skeptical? "And what happened? I don't remember much." I don't remember anything, in fact, and just want confirmation that Colt Winchester really is my name.

Hopping tenses here. Some of this reads more like author notes vs prose. I think it’s stronger if you cut all the prose here and just leave the dialogue.

She finished pulling the IV out and turned off the infernal beeping of the machine next to the bed. I tried to sit up and immediately fell back to the pillows.

Would expect her to react to his demands. If she’s indeed ignoring the protag, something like “She made no move to retrieve my ID. Instead…”

"Don't try to move too much Mr. Winchester. You've lost a lot of your strength! It's been weeks." She crossed the room to a table against the far wall and pulled out a small wooden box that she brought over to me. Inside was a leather wallet, several rings, a mean looking switchblade, and a small scrap of paper- it looked like the corner of a napkin. It said "Rose" in the corner, and a number- too short to be a phone number. I opened the wallet- there was about about two hundred dollars in it. Mostly twenties and tens. Tucked in the spine of the wallet was a cylinder that looked like a rolled up single. It seemed very familiar and I sniffed suddenly. I pulled the ID out next. A New York drivers license. The name printed on it was Colt Winchester... Damn. I guess that is my name.

You can’t pull a box out of a table. (Specify drawer if that’s what’s intended.)

Replace hyphens with em-dashes.

If the number is too short to be a phone number, then just say what the number is and the Reader will be able to infer. There’s a cool number that happens at the end of this scene… make it that!

Remove “suddenly” — useless adverb.

Tense hop: it should be “I guess that was my name.”

"You're a long way from home Mr. Winchester. What brought you to Naples?"

"Naples? Where the hell am I?" I thought we were in New York still. What state is Naples in again?

"You're in Florida. Like I said, a long way from home..." What would I have come down to Florida for? We don't have any operations here... at least not that I can remember!

“Where the hell am I” is an odd choice, right after he’s told where he is. Better would be to move the following tell into the dialogue (you can “tell” in dialogue all you want): “We aren’t in New York?”

New paragraph for prose after nurse’s last line ends.

Tense hop: “We didn’t have…” – “At least not that I could remember.” (remove exclamation point)

"Exactly how long have I been in this bed Karen?" I asked here and then picked the rings up out of the box. One was a plain gold band... my wedding ring? It was too small anyway. The other was a heavy silver piece cast with a skull. It had stones set in the eyes. They glinted ominously at me in the light filtering in through the blinds. I caught a whiff of tobacco smoke and... something else... as I picked the wallet up again. It was familiar, but I couldn't place it exactly. Somehow skunky... I looked through the wallet again and found a business card in the front. It didn't have my name on it... It said "Capone Industries" and had a phone number.

“and then” - try to only use one or the other.

Cut: “It was too small anyway.” (Seems like a useless detail)

“They glinted ominously” > every adverb is usually a chance to show, don’t tell. This is one such case!

Lay off the ellipses! A few here and there are okay, but too many and it gets distracting. There are more elegant ways (showing) to portray a character clawing slowly through emerging thoughts.

"I need to make a call," I said to Karen. "Where's the nearest phone." I started to push myself up to get out of the bed once more, I felt stronger already.

"Mr. Winchester I don't think you should be getting out of bed. You've been through a lot." Suddenly I felt dizzy and grabbed my head as I sat on the edge of the bed. I felt thick bandages around my skull. I hadn't noticed them until now.

"WHAT HAPPENED?!" I shouted.

Don’t use ALL CAPS to convey volume. Show, versus making punctuation/styling do the work.

Cut “to Karen” (it’s been established).

Cut: “Suddenly” (useless adverb!)

Replace “I felt” (filter words) with something more show-y. E.g. “My hand went to my head, and encountered a thick and sticky mass of gauze.”

"Calm Mr. Winchester and I'll tell you. I can take can take you to make that call afterward." I stopped trying to stand up and just sat weakly on the bed, gripping the mattress with my hands. "You were shot. You are lucky to be alive. You've been in that bed for twenty five days. No one has come to visit you- but you've got the whole town talking! We did everything we could for you but you might never fully recover. I'm sorry to have tell you this sir, but there is a piece of the bullet still lodged in your head."

Double “can take” in the second sentence.

Start new paragraphs after a dialogue finishes and the focus shifts to someone else.

Cut: “weakly” > adverb, show don’t tell.

I find it odd that she’d slip in “No one has come to visit you”—doesn’t feel very empathetic of a nurse. If this is a key story detail let’s have the protag find this out in some other way.

Missing word in last sentence: “I’m sorry to have to tell you this”

I slid off the bed onto the floor upon hearing that. Karen came and sat next to me and put her hand on my shoulder. Karen somehow smelled familiar, the name Rose flashed back through my tortured head.

"You were found at the scene of a drug bust. They confiscated 300 pounds of pot. For the first week or so everyone thought you were a criminal, but after a while people got talking about how you got shot and figured you must be some kinda hero. What were you doing there?"

"I can't remember Karen, the last thing I remember was a normal day at the office... Even that is fuzzy and I mean, damn, I forgot my own name!" Something felt off about the town thinking I'm a hero. I knew that much. I'm definitely not a hero. "I really have to make this phone call Karen. It's important. I can't remember why... but it is."

This is a pretty solid exchange. Cut the word “somehow” from the third sentence.

"Let's get you in a wheelchair and I'll take you to a phone then Mr. Winchester. You promise me you'll tell me when you remember? I want to know what you were doing there before the cops even showed up."

"Get me to a phone Karen, and I'll tell you whatever you want!" I struggled back to my feet with Karen's help and sat back on the bed while she left to get the wheelchair. I picked the silver ring back up out of the box where I had left it on the bed. I put it on my right hand, then took it off again... It didn't feel quite right. Karen was back in just a minute or two with the wheelchair and I managed to cross the room to the door on my feet before gratefully collapsing into it. I held the wallet in my hand ready to call the number on the business card. As Karen wheeled me towards a bank of phones along the hospital corridor a notice board with banners, postcards, and announcements tacked to it caught my eye. One poster in particular jumped out at me. It said "Rosie and the Buds, playing Friday night at Number 129…

I think a lot of this can be cut. The ring stuff should stay. The whole getting into the chair, holding a wallet, and being wheeled to the phones… this adds no important info and slows everything down.

Is this 129 significant? This scene would wrap some much better if ‘129’ was the number from earlier—the number that was too short to be a phone number.

Fifteen hundred miles away in a smoke filled office behind "Mister Bubble's Suds" Liam McHugh slammed his fists on the table.

Smoke-filled. Add comma after Suds, but before the quotation mark.

"Boys! I don't care what you have to do! Just find him for me! It's been weeks and none of you have gotten any results! We lost two hundred grand! And the pot! If I don't see his head on a platter this week, NO, TOMORROW! We'll have to hire the Leprechaun...."

Back off the exclamation points (one or two here is fine). Don’t use ALL CAPS.

The room was filled with gasps and then incredulous, shocked silence.

Why? It’s not really clear.

"Boss, you sure about that? You know the Leprechaun don't stop once you pay him. Remember what happened to the McLeary's?" An unidentifiable voice inquired from gathered group of thugs, thieves, and dealer's that formed the bulk of McHugh's organization.

Simplify and put the speech tag right after: “Boss, you sure about that?” asked one of the goons.

Cut the “from gathered group…” bit. All tell, not necessary, easy to infer that this is some kinda crime organization we’re dealing with. If the makeup of the crowd becomes relevant, show some detail as needed.

"I don't care if what happened to the Mcleary's happens to you lot. I just want the drugs or the money or both! They deserved it for how they use to talk about Da!" Silence reigned for another moment before the crowd of villains began to filter out of the room sheepishly. Liam McHugh sat heavily in his chair once they had all exited. He didn't dare tell any of the family, but unless they got some results, it was over. It had been a last gasp effort to turn things around for the family on 4/20. What better time to get into the weed markets, someone had suggested. It might even have been Colt's idea. All the more reason for his head on a platter.

Cut: sheepishly. Adverb, show, don’t tell.

The phone began to ring.

I dialed the number laboriously. I slammed the phone down half way through, and flipped the card over. I'm not sure why, or how I knew, but there was another number on the back... Handwritten. I started dialing again. Even the effort of getting into the wheelchair had exhausted me. It seemed to take forever before the phone started to ring. It only had time to ring once.

Cut: laboriously. Adverb, show, don’t tell.

"Where did you get this number? Who is this?"

Add a speech tag and indicate that the voice is coming from the phone.

"Who's this? I got the number off a business card."

"This number isn't on any business cards. Where did you get it?"

"In my wallet... Who is this?" I started to get frustrated, the possibility of answers seemed to fading fast.

I think we can cut: “, the possibility of answers seemed to fading fast.” ~ this can be inferred, but I’m not even sure I buy it. It’s like 5 seconds into an argument, too soon to determine that there would be no answers.

"I don't care how you got that number, if you can't tell me who you are I'm hanging up."

"Look. I just woke up in hospital after a month. I was shot. I found the number in my wallet. Who the hell is this?" A silence on the other end of the line for a moment.

A few more speech tags might help here.

Tweak: The line was silent for a moment.

"I don't care if you were shot! Where are you?" Suddenly his voice seemed familiar to me and I had a brief memory of a balding, fat, Irishman smoking a cigar at me across an enormous desk. He was waving a brick of cash at me.

Cut: Suddenly. Try doing something like starting with “I had a brief memory…” then after the brick of cash bit, write: “The voice on the phone—it was this man. I was sure.”

"Who is this? I'm in some rinky dink hospital in Florida. Where are you?" I tried to stall so I could think, I needed to figure out who this fat Irishman was.

"Look Colt- stop playing games. We both know you've got something of mine. And I want it back. Don't make me call the Leprechaun. You better be here with it in a few days. Be here by Tuesday. I hope you know I'm being generous." With that he hung up. I was more confused than ever and gratefully sank back into my wheelchair. Karen looked shocked... maybe she had heard some of the conversation... I was too tired to care.

Nice endpoint! Pare back the ellipses :)

* * *

As this was a freewrite with a crowd that can add in anything they want, it wouldn’t be fair to judge this piece on its arc, standalone power, or character development. But it actually does do some of this, so that’s impressive! If we were to develop this into a proper beginning of something longer, I’d suggest:

• Trimming down the opening “waking scene” by a good margin. We spend a lot of time yakking with Karen and the protagonist being out of sorts. Unless the nurse is a key character, much of her role and the dialogue could probably be compressed down to the essentials: A person with partial amnesia wakes up, has a pile of weird clues in their possession, and makes a phone call.
• Expand the Liam scene: this guy seems like the main antagonist, so let's give him room to breathe. The whole phone conversation at the end could probably be shown from Liam’s perspective, actually.

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