Chaos and Order

Balance and order only last so long until chaos seeps into my life. My universe naturally loves been in a state of high entropy, so any efforts I make to stabilize and routinize it is short-lived. I got a pretty good hang on it a few weeks ago, and every passing day, the consistency that brought me that far has been my sobriety chip, until I lost that too recently. After that, well, let’s just say it’s been a slippery slope.

An old addiction/obsession has creeped its way back

The past 1 year, I’ve had my eye on a prize and pursued it with such passion and determination that almost every other thing that’s not it in my life has suffered, including my well being.

Addiction and obsession are already negative words. But I assure you, I don’t use them to mean any of the things they typically mean in everyday contexts. What I am addicted/obsessed about is very much healthy. In fact, a lot of people glorify and envy that about me. But they’re not aware of the toll it takes, and regardless of whether the thing is good or not, an addiction/obsession will never be healthy, and that’s the problem.

Tough Trade

What I find interesting though is that after surrendering to the chaos, I haven’t felt more like my old self in a long time like I do right now. In this long time, I have talked about struggling to reconnect with my old self. You know, love the things I used to love and just in general, be more of the person I used to be.

Comfortable as it’s felt, it’s become a rut, and has to end. I have to admit though, I enjoyed it while it lasted. Over the days leading to this weekend, I fucked up my sleep schedule binging movies from the past I never got the chance to finish, mindlessly scrolling reddit at night, and sleeping for most of the early hours of the day. This has been problematic because waking up early became central to my new definition of what a successful day looks like, and a fucked up sleep schedule completely thwarts that. It doesn’t help that my brain actually never goes to sleep when I sleep, because I hear it still planning and scheming things even whiles I sleep, and I remember everything in detail when I’m up.

I’ve also completely ditched my Microsoft To-Do scheduling (which has pretty much been my way of keeping myself organized, accountable and productive). Things like these are usually signs of an impending episode of depression for me. But I’ve been pretending to have my shit under control for so long that it’s difficult to tell the signs anymore because at this point, even I don’t recognize them.

But of course, I have not allowed myself rot in complete waste. I’ve actually done quiet the opposite - I lived in a too fast lane for a bit, got burnt out, and that burnout thrust me down this what I’m hoping to be a very temporary ordeal (used for a lack of a better word).

Luckily, I think I am still able to recognize these patterns when they’re happening, and I did this time no different. I had a check-in with myself yesterday and we’ve come up with a plan to get shit back on rails. This post was one of the things on that plan: the other is staring at me on my wall now, and the rest….well..the rest is coming together nice and slow. If all goes according to plan, I should be reading this post a week from now in total cringe of how I allowed myself even get there. Lol. I should get to those plans now. Thanks for reading this far and I’ll hopefully catch you on the next one.

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