Surrendering to the silent currents

Last year, I felt like I was sinking deep into the ocean. The slandered tongues of others got me questioning my values and abilities. My boss then sometimes makes my skin crawl, especially when she thinks I'm not good enough for her company. Just like they say, you can't eat your cake and still have it. I kept holding on to the job while I went head-to-heels searching for survival.

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Life wasn't easy; it was tough, and day in and day out came with different situations and challenges. Sometimes I drench my pillows with tears, praying that one day my wish will be granted. I stumbled into a course that I bought, but due to how stressful my job was, I couldn't study it. I did it when I had free time on Sundays. I thought it was all going to turn out to be the rest of the courses I bought earlier. I still can't place the urge that makes me buy more courses. I studied this particular one, promising that I would put all my best into it, but it was just on Sundays that I did that.

Further into the months, I went to different states for an interview, but it all boiled down to nothing. I was distressed. It felt like I was sinking deep into the ocean with no help coming from nowhere. At some point, I got tired of the whole trip and search. I just decided to end everything because I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to breathe. I needed some space aside from waking up every morning all dressed up and rushing to work so I wouldn't be late. I resigned from work and stayed home. That was the best decision I made for myself. I needed to feel myself and take care of myself. To stay long without having those feelings of work-related challenges.

Nobody wanted me home; everyone wanted to see my ass working morning and night. Of course, the bills have to be paid, but this time I took a bow. I stayed home for two months, and I had the time of my life. I had time for myself; I had time to rest; I had time to sleep more, ignoring those alarms by my bedside; I had time to study; and I had time to write. It was a wonderful time to reflect on my life, but those two months weren't a waste. I improved my knowledge, read a lot, and wrote a lot.

Fast forward to this year, just like every other person who made a new year's resolution too. I did too, but something was different from the ones I made in other years. I was intentional about what I wanted, and I saw myself working towards it even though it was so discomforting. I got an internship position and other streamlines of contract from the course I studied. Now I see myself struggling with time just to meet the deadline. I became an owl, keeping myself awake at night just to meet up with my tight schedule. I researched veraciously and kept keen on details about things around me; ideas came from anywhere, and it has helped in my creativity. Now that I see myself struggling to adapt to the changes, I have to be patient with myself. It is just going to be one step at a time. It was tough for me to adapt to staying up late at night, but now I go a little into the night before I sleep. It's overwhelming to adapt to changes, but I'm willing to be patient with myself. It's been a roller coaster of eye-openers and acquiring new knowledge, and I'm seeing myself grow with each passing day. Prioritizing self-investment has been one of the best decisions I have made for myself.