A story of heartache and growth

We are all wired differently and as different as we are, not everyone likes to be ghosted, not everyone has the balls to deal with rejection and I belong to the category of people who do not do well when ghosted.

As much as I love to get attached to people, I also do not like the aftermath of getting attached to the wrong people.
I think my getting overly attached to people stems from my being too picky when it comes to choosing who I grant access to my life.

I could laugh and talk to you but it’s all on the surface if you aren’t “my person” but if you are “my person” I tend to be overly attached to you sometimes and whenever you opt and leave it’s always heartbreaking for me.

I hate to be ghosted by people I care about, I wouldn’t give a hoot if a random person ghosts me but when someone I hold dear disappears without any valid explanation? It gets to me.
I know for a fact that there are times when people go through stuff and they disappear, that’s an exemption though but if we were cool and you disappeared like that? It’s a different matter entirely.

I don’t have so many friends so the few I have, I try to put in the work to make sure it works because no matter what friendship is golden. So when a dear friend disappears it just doesn’t hurt me but also questions how you see me as a person or a friend.

When this disappearance happens I am always disturbed as I can’t help but question myself if I did something wrong or not and this can be exhausting as I end up thinking and thinking.

Prior to this time, I’ll let you be once you go all MIA on me, I wouldn’t question you, I’ll just let you be. While I looked like I wasn’t fazed by whoever ghosted me, deep down, I was always troubled.
Whenever I think about this person or whatever reminds me of them automatically makes me feel bad. My mood changes instantly and this is because in a few minutes, I have had to reminisce about the good old days and also the point when we stopped talking as well. These bittersweet memories change my mood entirely.

Ghosting helped reduce the number of friends I had which I was and still am grateful for but I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that some people will only be in my life for a season.

I’d move around with so many unanswered questions and the pain of losing a loved one ever fresh in my heart.
It wasn’t an easy phase as I wasn’t free, my mind and heart were always clouded by many “What ifs” and this made me question my ability to maintain friendships and it also made me second guess myself a lot. At that point in my life, I always looked forward to the expiry dates of my friendship with people hence the reason why I stopped giving it my best.

You can imagine how the decision of one person can alter everything.

One day I had to reflect on my life and tell myself some hard truths.
I had to first get rid of all the self-blames and doubts I had.
I also came to understand that people will definitely leave my life but not because I wasn’t good enough or couldn’t maintain friendships. The moment I was able to understand all of these that was the moment I was entirely free from all the guilt and pain I had accumulated from different broken friendships and I tell you for a fact that was the best decision I ever made.

I also decided to prioritize closures. Before now I didn’t put much effort into knowing why people walked out of my life but now I do and if I get clarity on everything and the friendship doesn’t still work? Great, and if it still works? Awesome!
I wasn’t just doing all of these to save face or what the other person had to say, I was doing it for myself, for my peace of mind, and for my own freedom and that was all that mattered.

I have learnt to let go of any and everything that will trouble me or jeopardize my freedom and this coping mechanism has helped me a great deal and I am happy for how far I have come.