Navigating Parent-Child Relationships

I came across these interesting questions culled by @selfhelp4trolls about our relationship with our parents and I couldn't help but talk about mine. I feel bare talking about it but here goes.

What role do/did your parents play in your life?

My parents have always been my 'parents'. Let me explain. I saw my dad as just a father, the one who would set me straight with a stern voice and gave me everything I requested for as long as he had it.

My mum was a stern one too but not in the same way as my dad. My entire relationship with my parents was one where I always had to be on best behaviour and not disappoint them. I lived in fear of my parents with anxiety that ate me up inside.

When I began making friends in school and learnt about their relationships with their parents, I was always in awe because I didn't know a relationship outside what I had with my parents was possible.

I couldn't have conversations with my mother because I always seemed to fall out of line and I'd be reminded I was only a child. I always felt maybe it's because she had me when she was much older so we couldn't relate properly.

It was mostly a 'do as I say' situation with my parents and I wasn't allowed my individuality neither was I friends with them. Our dynamic was not personal but I knew they loved me though and I loved them, still love them.

Has your relationship with your parents changed over the years?

Our relationship hasn't changed much over the years. Okay, maybe slightly. My dad has loosened up in recent years and isn't as tough as before. I have expressed my feelings to him a number of times and even when it looked like too much information for him, he listened and saw things from my perspective.

The moment I started university, I could tell my dad saw me as responsible enough and he trusted me to make decisions on my own. Still, I lived by his rules.

With my mum, our relationship changed about three years ago when I showed her I could scream the house down too lol. She said I became disrespectful but that really was the first time it felt like I was seen as an opinionated individual. I felt seen as a person and not just her child to be controlled.

Is there anything you wish your parents would do （or would have done) differently?

I wish my parents weren't so tough. I wish I was allowed to express myself more and allowed to know them as individuals with feelings rather than just parent figures. I know it was hard working, providing and caring at the same time in the hard economy. They wanted a better life for their children but at the same time, they neglected the bond that could have been.

How are you similar to your parents?

Honestly, I feel like I don't even know them enough to list our similarities. My husband mentioned that I walk like my mother and I was surprised to hear that. He said I smile like my dad too, another interesting fact. What I do know is that I have the same reserved personality like my dad and I look like him.

My parents do say that I feel like I'm always right and whenever they say that I'm like...yeah, we know where that comes from.

How are you different from your parents?

My parents care about how the society views them which is common with their generation but I don't. My decisions are not guided by societal standards and I always choose to go for what pleases me instead, which is usually the cause of our rifts.

Do you prefer a more involved relationship with your parents or more distance?

I always wanted a personal relationship with them, one where we would be involved in one another's lives and our bond was prioritized above everything else. I was practically an only child growing up because my brother already was in the university. You'd think we'd be very close for a family of four but that was not the case. My dad and brother can't even have a conversation that doesn't look like an interview.

Now that I'm older, the burden is on me to have a relationship with my mum and that is just weird and feels forced. She complains I don't open up to her but I honestly don't know how to navigate that. I've kind of always been alone and figured things on my own.

I made peace with the fact that we're not close and don't agree most of the time several years ago. Plus, our relationship is way better long distance than when I live in the same space with her.

Well, I'm trying to do things differently and change the patterns I saw growing up. I'm unlearning and relearning certain behaviours I have picked up and challenging myself to be an involved parent to my children when I have them.

I don't just want a parent tag, I want to be a guide, friend and confidant because I do understand how a parent-child relationship is important for not just the physical but also the emotional and societal well-being of a child.

How's your own relationship with your parents? Join the CCQ contest here.

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