A Sordid Confession

Part of the reason I write is to transmute my feelings into a sharper, more fluent way for me to understand them.

I can't explain it, but when I write what I feel down it's a way in which I process sensory data.

Like how when some people have had a bad day, they punch a boxing bag, or others go for a 5 mile jog.

I process it through writing.

This has it's advantages, because in a way I've crafted a style that can be easily digested by a lot of people. As I've said in the past I've wrote on big magazines and millions of people have read me.

I'm also quite open about how I am as a person when not very many men are -- and those that say they are, aren't really.

Even perhaps me up until about a year ago.

I've made decisions recently where I've felt as if I've been falling on a cliff edge before not knowing whether I'll float to the bottom or explode in a messy pile of.. human bones and blood.

That's where I've talked about learning the feminine, and submission.

Things that men rarely get taught.

We are taught to fiercely control our surroundings, either overtly or covertly, and it's transmitted to us in all different ways -- if not from our parents then our friends and colleagues.

Submission to a higher goal is scary when you don't know the destination.

One thing I've always been scared to do is start up learning to teach myself music.

I stumbled across how powerful music was for feelings when I was learning to make videos.

A video with just me talking and it was boring, stale, and I couldn't really weave any emotion into what I was trying to convey like I can with my writing.

It was very difficult learning to produce; how to attract the onlooker in the same way that I do with my writing.

But then I found music, and wow does sound really change the direction in emotion and feeling towards what I was trying to put across to the viewer.

The same spoken paragraph from me can be delivered in many different ways depending on the sound style I had attached to the clip.

I realised that music is a powerful emotion amplifier.

So perhaps I could learn how to sing, and create music.

I've always wanted to do this. As a young boy I was always signing and trying to play music. But alas, drinking and taking drugs got the better of me.

And perhaps I wasn't ready at that age anyway.

So this is my confession to The Flame.

I want to learn how to create music again. It's always been in me.

I want to sing to audiences and harmonize with them through music I've made from the soul.

I write from the soul, so it's about time I made music from the soul.

How do I start?

I have absolutely no idea, but I expect YouTube is a good start, and when I have enough funds to hire a music coach then maybe we will go from there.

I've crushed it at writing. It took me 10 years to get this far.

Perhaps it's time to learn to start crushing it at music. I mean, why not right?

The point of music is to tap into the most primal parts of the human body and harmonize with people -- that's something I'd absolutely love to do.

So that's my next adventure in my spare time.

Music.