Feeling Disappointed

Feeling Disappointed in one's self often happens when our actions do not aligned with our values, our upbringing, or the kind of person we believe ourselves to be. This is the weekend-engagement, WEEK 298 hosted in the WEEKEND EXPERIENCES and I am happy to write on one of the topics that says DO YOU EVER FEEL DISAPPOINTED IN YOURSELF AND IF SO WHY ALSO, HOW COULD YOU RECTIFY THAT SITUATION.?

Disappointment in one's self can be painful because it moves us to confront parts of our characters that needs growth and many people experience it at some point in their lives. It could be a turning point for them. Please read along as I share with you all that point in my life when I felt disappointed in myself.

I have always known myself to be a sweet and caring person. I love deeply, I give freely, and I try my best to support people around me, even when some has taken advantage of my kindness. After I got married, I began to notice some changes in my character, I became easily irritated, small issues would provoke me, I started to react with anger and aggression, expecially towards my husband.

What hurts me the most was that my husband is calm and gentle, whenever I raised my voice at him in public, he would not respond. Instead he would remain quiet. At that time, I did not fully understand the weight of my actions. But deep inside me, I knew something was wrong. This was not how I was raised. I grew up watching my mother treat my father with respect, I had never seen her shout at my father in public. I began to question myself "when did I become this person?"

One a Sunday early morning, my husband woke me up, and sat me down and opened his heart, he told me how ashamed and downgraded he felt whenever I yelled at him in public, expecially coming from the person who was meant to respect and honour him. His words pierced my heart, I became more disappointed in myself. At that moment, I wished I could turn back time, but I knew I could not undo what had already been done. But one thing is certain, "change" I decided to change moving forward.

I apologize sincerely and promised him that I would no longer treat him in a way that disrespects him. The next day being Monday, after he has gone to work, I was alone in the sitting room, I cried bitterly, because I had allowed my inability to conceive after few years of marriage and the pressures that I was getting from my in-laws to take a toll on me emotionally. I reflected on the kind of person I had become and the kind of family I wanted to build. Then it became clear to me that my uncontrolled anger can tear apart the happiness I desired.

I immediately reach out to a friend who is like a mother to me, a woman I greatly admire for how she treats her own husband with patience and respect, even though he can be difficult at times. She told me she had noticed the way I spoke to my husband in public and she had even planned to talk to me about it. Hearing that broke me again, I wondered how many others had noticed and what they might think of me. But she gave me wise counsel, she helped me understand that people will always talk of me, whether i do good or bad. That the most important thing that I should be worried about was to correct the wrong and focus on becoming a better person.

Yes, there is this saying that the most important battles we fight are within ourselves. So I became more intentional about my behaviour. Sometimes, when I felt highly provoked, I would reterally put water in my mouth as my friend advices me to do just to keep myself from speaking. I started carrying water bottle everywhere I go, 🫣🫣🫣🫣 surprisingly, it worked. It gave me time to cool down and think before reacting, I began to watch my tone, my words, and my body language. Of course, change don't happen overnight, but with constant effort, with time, I began to see changes, even my husband testified to it.

For a person to receive healing, he or she must first admit that something is wrong, right? No one seeks medical attention if they believe they are perfectly healthy. In the same way, growth begins with honest self examination, when we acknowledge our weakness or mistakes without excuses, then apologize sincerely to those we hurt, seek wise counsel, take practical and consistent steps to change, then we will see the changes we desired.

Thank you for stopping by, this is @sarahbaby.
All pictures are mine.