The Day I Let My Name Sit There

For almost like ten minutes or thereabouts, I stared at the “post” button when I started writing, while my thumb rested on my phone screen. I already wrote the post; it was ready, but it was my first time using the site, and I had my username all over it, exposed to other users who cared to look at my blog. That was the part frightening me.

I had always practiced how I write in a quite different way, reading it several times, and at the end of the day, I might end up deleting everything or leave some parts alone and still keep the rest in my phone book because the thought of second eyes or other people going through what I've written can make my stomach tighten. I was so afraid that someone could make a jest of what I have written, my grammar, style of writing, calling it ordinary, or just go through it and think, "Who does this person think he actually is?"

One afternoon, I was in my room in the school hostel when a close friend asked why I usually hide my writing. In my mind, it was the usual answer that came to me, and I said it to him exactly that way. He smiled and said something to me that I have been making use of ever since that day. He said, “You will never be ready if you keep waiting for people to approve you first.” Though when he first said it, it sounded somehow odd in my eyes.

I thought about what he said, and when he left, I opened my phone note again. The hostel had already become quiet this time because it was kind of getting late. Though there were still some outside discussing. I went through my draft once more. My hand wasn't as shaky as it was when I pressed post. It was nothing that seemed like a big deal after, though. I got some reading on it, a few reactions, and some comments. Though the numbers of comments I got were more than what I expected. Someone even put me through some things I needed to do to make the my other posts align. That day went by. That was not a disappointment. I had spent so much time preparing for the disappointment that might come with it because I was always thinking about how bad it could get when I embarrass myself.

Since that day, I have written a lot of posts and published them. I no longer hesitate like I used to be because I'm already used to it besides my style of writing. Though I still wonder what some might think when they read through. That one is still there, but it has stopped being the reason or the person holding the phone.

What made the difference was something smaller than I expected. Because I stopped handling the thought and what others will say as a locked gate that I always need their permission to pass through. And sometimes, before I finally press the post button, I still usually have some pause and go over it again. Even though I know that I am no longer that first person, I know I can go ahead and press the post button while afraid.

Thank you for reading.

_{Images created by Gemini AI}