Divorce, Children, and Healing: Whose Pain Comes First?

I remember vividly, in December 2023, after I had just gotten back from Abuja, I went to spend some time with my big brother. He said he wanted to get married that December, but the family kicked against it and asked him to move it to January because of the activities that take place in December. When I got to his place, I felt like I was home, and sometimes his fiancée does come over to say hi. During my stay, I saw a lot of red flags in the relationship, but my thoughts were

He knows her better, and she knows him better, so I have nothing to say.

She grew on me, and I started liking her as a sister-in-law. I was part of the planning of the wedding. After they got married, I didn't visit them for almost a year, and my big brother kept inviting me because we were both living together before they married, but I wanted them to have their lovely honeymoon together.

Today's date is 12 May 2025, and it's the second month of their divorce process, which is still going on.

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Sometimes I ask myself, could they have done better? Was it because there was no kid involved? Could they have tried to figure things out if children were involved?

All these questions run through my mind whenever I think about them. Anyway, people, they are lucky because there was no child involved, and I wonder how divorce can be tagged as something LUCKY. Whether you have children or no children, divorce is not a happy thing.

Most times when I talked to her, she would say things like "I already moved on, I am happy now and so on," but after a few more conversations, she would say things like "I never knew it would end like this; I always thought it was a forever is the deal thing," and with just those few words, I would know she's hurting.

If a couple who has no children could be going through this kind of emotional and traumatic phase, what would a couple who has kids involved in the marriage do or pass through?

Now, imagine being a child caught in that emotional storm. One day, everything feels normal—two parents under one roof—and the next thing, you’re being shuffled between homes, carrying questions no one is quite ready to answer: "Was I the cause of my parents divorce?"

Children often don’t understand the “why” behind divorce; all they feel is the absence, the confusion, and the quiet pain that sneaks in during family events, holidays, or bedtime.

On the other hand, divorce doesn’t erase the responsibility parents have toward their children’s emotional health. Just because you are healing doesn’t mean they aren’t breaking in silence. Since they don't want their children to suffer the effects of the divorce, they are also doing things to help themselves heal.

So, it is not a matter of comparison but of balance. Healing as a parent and protecting the child's mental well-being must happen side by side. One should not drown the other. Because in the end, a child who grows up in a peaceful two-home household is far better off than one raised in a single home full of silent tension, tears behind closed doors, and forced smiles at dinner.

The thought of divorce is sad enough for couples without children, and if children are involved and it has nothing to do with domestic violence against either partner, I think they should try to solve their differences for the child's sake.

Thanks for reading. My name is Fashtioluwa.